“This was always the goal,” says Ofo spokes-man Sherman Fixie. “Charging people to ride our bright yellow bikes was a way to cover the cost of administration, production, and distribution. But we never planned to …
October 4, 2018
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Stories by Walter Mencken
Mission O-ccomplished
The Untouchables
City councilman Chris Cate has proposed new regulations for the city’s massage parlors, regulations that will, in his words “provide the San Diego Police Department and City Attorney’s office with the tools needed to effectively …
October 4, 2018
Gabby DiMarco elected to Beer Ball Hall of Fame on First Ballot
NO, NOT REALLY - Last January, the Hoff finally made the HoF: ace Padres reliever Trevor Hoffman, whose 601 saves are second only to Mariano Rivera, appeared on 79.9 percent of the ballots cast by …
June 22, 2018
San Diego State debuts new Spirit Leader
San Diego State University President Randy Rush today addressed the ongoing controversy surrounding the former mascot for the school’s athletic competitions. While the great marority of students, faculty, and alumnae favored maintaining a human Azetc …
June 22, 2018
Garbage Fire wins silver
NO, NOT REALLY - From the judges’ comments: “San Diego is not a city known for grand idiomatic gestures, so it was a welcome surprise to see it stage an actual garbage fire in a …
June 22, 2018
Siren song
NO, NOT REALLY — “Well, now we know why someone placed a fake mermaid on the rocks off Sunset Cliffs,” says San Diego Fish & Game’s head of code enforcement Howard Phillips. “She proved to …
June 8, 2018
Coast Guard seizes over 5000 pounds of cocaine
JUST ADORABLE, REALLY — Above, Coast Guard agents in San Diego proudly display palettes of cocaine seized from a boat in international waters off the Central American coast last week. In a related image, right, …
June 8, 2018
"Porn has already shown them everything!"
NO, NOT REALLY — “Thanks to PornHub.com, 12-year-old kids already know about fisting, felching, scat play, trannys, grannys, Georgy Porgy Orgies, and all the rest of it,” laments concerned mother Chastity Rose (above right) as …
June 8, 2018
San Diego, America's Finest Drone Zone
NO, NOT REALLY: Your daughter, shielding her face from a peeping drone (shadow in upper left corner). “Soon, this sort of thing will be a thing of the past,” says Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao. “The …
May 25, 2018
The Kardashian Konundrum
NO, NOT REALLY — Interim DA Summer Stephan: “People should rise through their chain from deputy public defender to becoming a trusted team leader and making reforms that way, rather than really what is the …
May 25, 2018
Win/Loss, Gwynn/Gloss
NO, NOT REALLY: What’s in a name? “Some people are calling it an act of vandalism that dishonors the memory of a champion,” says Padres General Manager B.J. Stellar. “But it’s important not to get …
May 25, 2018
Science: girls have cooties
NO, NOT REALLY — The Salk Institute for Biological Studies in La Jolla confirmed what everybody already knows today when it revealed that boys are genetically superior to girls. “And not just genetically,” says gene …
May 4, 2018
Fly away home(less)
NO, NOT REALLY — Last February , the City of San Diego bought a defunct downtown indoor skydiving facility for $7 million. Critics were quick to criticize the move, saying that the building was totally …
May 4, 2018
The old SONGS and dance routine
NO, NOT REALLY — Hi, everybody! My name is Homer Simpson, and I’m a nuclear safety inspector at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant in [REDACTED]. Don’t let the fact that I have yellow skin and …
April 20, 2018
Putting Eostre Back in Easter
NO, NOT REALLY — “Remember the fuss over the decision to change ‘Christmas on the Prado’ to ‘December Nights’?” asks Sandra Heathen-Druid. “All those people upset about taking Christ out of Christmas. But from the …
April 20, 2018
A bridge (joke) too far
NO, NOT REALLY — Kevin Whine, the new host of 97.3’s “Mo-Sho” morning show, just wanted to make a good impression upon his arrival from San Francisco. “The City had just come out with this …
April 6, 2018
Trump begins construction on Border Wall
NO, NOT REALLY — On March 25, President Trump tweeted that “work will start immediately” on the Great Border Wall. Few people believed him, but fewer still could have predicted that later that same day, …
April 6, 2018
San Diego's debt to Bob Filner
[Walter Mencken stands at a podium in the basement conference room of Cheetahs Gentlemen’s Club in Kearny Mesa and addresses his audience, a group of men reclining at table.]When Gloria Allred showed up alongside Mimi …
December 27, 2017
At least the Charger Girls aren’t heading north
Alternative Facts[The scene: the basement of Our Lady of Sorrows church, Mission Valley. A circle of chairs. A despondent array of suffering souls.]Grab some cake and shaddupPhoto by Andy Boyd Cake courtesy of <a href="http://thefrenchgourmet.com/">The …
February 15, 2017
James Thurber, Hunter Thompson, H.L. Mencken give thanks for new American president
SCENE: The Mencken dining room, Thanksgiving. In attendance are host Walter Mencken, English novelist Evelyn Waugh, writer and critic H.L. Mencken, Pogo Possum, Roman emperor Claudius, writer and humorist James Thurber, writer and agitator Hunter …
November 23, 2016
The Surreal McCoy’s final masterpiece?
Former Convadium Curator Wanker: “The loss to Miami featured four interceptions, including a pick-six with the score tied and a minute to play. Small wonder that McCoy, an artist and coach clearly in the throes …
November 19, 2016
San Diego bishop addresses bulletin controversy
Shortly before Election Day, the bulletin at Immaculate Conception Catholic Church in Old Town featured a flyer that warned, “It is a mortal sin to vote Democrat,” and that souls that died in the state …
November 12, 2016
Chargers Curator Wanker comments on The Surreal McCoy’s latest work
Wanker: “In a word, heartbreaking. McCoy has at long last ventured into the realm of self-portraiture here, but it’s hardly an occasion for celebration. This is the work of a man who feels he’s coming …
November 5, 2016
Slacktivist protests police guidelines on theft prevention
According to the above flyer issued by the Chula Vista Police Department, “San Diego County’s top crimes are vehicle theft and vehicle burglary.” In Samantha Wilson’s estimation, that means “it’s safe to say that there’s …
November 3, 2016
It ain't gonna legalize itself
“We got the idea from our good friends in the pornography business, actually,” says Prop 64 organizer Billy Bongwater. “Remember when all those porn sites blocked access to California IP addresses in order to raise …
October 30, 2016
San Diego mayor takes action in wake of Chicano Park truck tragedy
“When I first heard the news about a truck dropping into Chicano Park,” says Mayor Faulconer, "I naturally assumed it was just another campaign maneuver from the Trump camp. But when I learned that the …
October 29, 2016
Juarez Cartel endorses Hillary Clinton for United States President
"The decision to endorse Hillary Clinton for President of the United States was not an easy one,” says Juarez Cartel head Vincente Carillo Fuentes. "Donald Trump has historically been friendly to those who share his …
October 27, 2016
Stone Brewing releases two candidate-themed beers just in time for Election Day
"When I was President at POM Wonderful,” says newly installed Stone Brewing CEO Dominic Engels, “we got in trouble for claiming that POM Wonderful could help you cheat death by preventing heart disease and prostate …
October 22, 2016
2016’s sexy Charger costumes have fans divided
Hey ladies, if you’ve been paying attention, you know that nothing’s been scarier this year than the San Diego Chargers (except maybe Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and there’s just no way to make them …
October 20, 2016
Trump sues local Apprentice contestant, claiming intellectual property theft
Mira Mesa entrepreneur April Dwyer was famously a contestant on the 2004 season of The Apprentice, the reality show hosted by current Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. She made it through four episodes before getting …
October 16, 2016
Local landmark(?) restaurant repurposed as mausoleum
Somewhere in the afterlife, former local businessman George Pernicano is twirling his famous mustache and chuckling. And while the 25-foot bronze angel that now sits atop his former restaurant in Hillcrest suggests heaven, both his …
October 15, 2016
Area man gets rich on “Chargerrors” with paid emoji
“From the first game, I had a bad feeling about this season,” recalls Local computer whiz/DJ D. Spare, creator of the Sad Charger emoji. “When Keenan Allen went down, I knew it was a sign …
October 13, 2016
In stunning reversal, mayor withdraws his support for Chargers’ convadium
PRESS CONFERENCE OUTSIDE DEEZ NUTS NATURAL SNACK EMPORIUM, EAST VILLAGE — Just days after coming out in support of Measure C, the upcoming ballot initiative that would authorize the use of public funds — in …
October 7, 2016
Chargers get creative in rehab
Charger trainer Dr. Isaac Moreau has been a busy man this season — busier than he’d like to be. Game after game has produced injury after injury, some of them season-ending. But he’s not just …
October 2, 2016
Chargers’ Curator Wanker comments on The Surreal McCoy’s latest work for the Convadium Gallery
Wanker: "The original Guernica, by the Spanish artist Pablo Picasso, is generally regarded as one of the great human outcries against the horrors of war. Created in response to the bombing of a Basque country …
October 1, 2016
The Surreal McCoy
For several seasons now, the San Diego art world has held its breath in anticipation, waiting to see how Chargers coach Mike McCoy would seek to differentiate his approach from the performance art antics of …
September 17, 2016
Zoothanasia? Animal coalition applauds California’s aid-in-dying act
Last Tuesday, the San Diego Zoo announced that it had made the difficult decision to euthanize Ranchipur, a 50-year-old male Asian elephant who was suffering from multiple ailments associated with old age. The news was …
September 4, 2016
What is the most dangerous game?
"Man, Achilles heels really seem to be our Achilles heel this season,” lamented Chargers coach Mike McCoy after losing his second player of the season, running back Brandon Oliver, to an injured Achilles tendon last …
September 3, 2016
Thoroughbred “Trophy Wife” has to be put away after mishap at racetrack
Trophy Wife, one of the entrants expected to make a strong showing at this year’s Del Mar races, has been forced to withdraw from competition following a season-ending — and possibly worse — injury to …
September 2, 2016
San Diego snags coveted nod from prestigious periodical
Citing the city’s “temperate climate, numerous underpasses, beautiful public parks, and historically generous populace,” Hobo Magazine has awarded San Diego its annual “golden shopping cart,” ranking it the number-one city in the country in which …
August 27, 2016
Special Advertising Section: Padres rebuild is your reward!
Rantin’ Ron says, “Time is running out! We’ve already sold such popular models as Craig Kimbrel, Andrew Cashner, Melvin Upton, and Fernando Rodney, not to mention that clunker Matt Kemp! But there are still deals …
August 15, 2016
Padres’ forlorn Fouler seeks de-tats-ment following Kemp's Instagram insult
Baseball experts were not surprised when the San Diego Padres traded Matt Kemp to the Atlanta Braves: the Braves desperately needed power, and the Padres desperately needed to escape Kemp’s enormous contract and hire some …
August 14, 2016
Adios, Olivera: Padres render newly acquired offensive threat Designated For Assignment
Acquired from the Atlanta Braves in exchange for Matt Kemp, third baseman Hector Olivera is finishing up an 82-game suspension following his arrest for assaulting a woman and leaving visible bruises on her body. It’s …
August 13, 2016
Un-Kemped: Padres send sluggish slugger to Braves
“For a long time,” says Padres executionary chairman Rod Fouler, “the word around Major League Baseball was that the San Diego Padres couldn’t pay to get someone to take Matt Kemp off their hands. Giant …
August 12, 2016
Trump decries neighbor to north after change in National Anthem
Most San Diegans know about the All Lives Matter moment before July’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game at Petco Park. Remigio Pereira, a member of the Canadian Tenors, took the opportunity to alter the lyrics …
August 7, 2016