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Who Plays Who: Local Election Edition

Who Plays Who: Local Election Edition

Who Plays Who: Local Election Edition

The (Central) American Dream

Mexican migrant caravan seeks “a safer, better life” in Honduras

“In 2011, there were 86.5. murders per 100,000 people in Honduras, making it one of the deadliest cities in the world,” says Mexican migrant Rafael Torres. “So naturally, when I heard that Hondurans were headed ...

Clawstrophobia

San Onofre nuclear plant resumes nuclear waste canister transfer, despite fears over new system’s safety

“We’ve learned our lesson, yes we have,” says San Onofre Nuclear Powderkeg spokesman Ray D’Ashun. “It’s true that we probably shouldn’t have bought those crummy steam generators from Mitsubishi, the ones whose failure resulted in ...

The Boss Baby’s Holiday (Bowl)

Politics on parade at annual waterfront procession

‘The Baby Trump balloon was already in San Diego, thanks to the whole migrant mess,” explains Holiday Bowl Parade designer Bill Blowhard. “So we thought we might as well make use of it in the ...

Alone in a Cloud

UCSD uncovers possible link between social media and unsocial living

Some three-fourths of Americans are lonely, according to a new study released by UCSD and published in International Psychogeriatrics. That’s up from the high of 57 percent found in previous studies, the most recent of ...

Darwin and the Birds

New California statute aims to build on recent events

According to California AB 2989, which goes into effect on January 1 of 2019, “Bicycle helmets are no longer required for riders of motorized scooters who are age 18 or older.” In a possibly related ...

The Ew Colossus

Artist clarifies meaning behind half-buried, ruined Statue of Liberty at border beach

“I could not care less about immigration,” says Xeno Pyle, a conceptual artist working out of his mother’s garage in North Park, “though I suppose some people could look at my installation ‘That’s No Lady’ ...

Moved by Movies

Cinephiles hope to spark sympathy for stranded migrants through the power of sepia-tinted film

“Has America ever seen Casablanca?” asks local film lover Roberto Azul. “Here you have a movie that is generally regarded as the second-greatest film of all time — right after Citizen Kane, which is, coincidentally, ...

Mission Accomplished

Migrant caravan prepares to return home after successful 3700km fundraising walk

THE BORDER — “Well, we did it,” said Caminar Por La Cura migrant caravan organizer Susan K. Roamin. “We walked all the way from Honduras to the border between Mexico and the United States, and ...

Vivx Lx Razx

UCSD tells Latinx/Chicanx students they must abandon their “hopelessly gendered language”

“When the Spanish came to the Americas,” says UCSD’s Dean of Re-education Manuela Gonzalez, “they were not content to bring a nightmare of slaughter, disease, pillage, and exploitation. They went further, imposing upon the people ...

VA = Vivisected Army?

Ho skips town after going too far with drunk vets

“San Diego VA division chief Dr. Samuel Ho crossed a line,” says whistleblower Maria Chin. “Running catheters through the necks of numerous alcoholics with deeply compromised health in order to take liver biopsies? There’s a ...

Thanksgiving Feast

E. coli looks up from the plates of a Rancho Santa Fe family gathered together to feast during the a record year for foodborne illness and realizes it has a lot to be thankful for.

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