Engels: “Arrogant Bastard is the beer that put stone on the map. And Trump is the politician who might wipe America off the map. Putting him on the label for November was a no-brainer, which also seemed fitting. Plus, since we just laid off five percent of our workforce, Trump’s Apprentice catchphrase made a certain amount of sense.”
  • Engels: “Arrogant Bastard is the beer that put stone on the map. And Trump is the politician who might wipe America off the map. Putting him on the label for November was a no-brainer, which also seemed fitting. Plus, since we just laid off five percent of our workforce, Trump’s Apprentice catchphrase made a certain amount of sense.”
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Engels: “After we learned that Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton told a Brazilian bank that her dream is 'a hemispheric common market, with open trade and open borders,' we started thinking about her long-established ties to foreign donors, her seeming lack of concern about American jobs disappearing into other countries, and her willingness to get mixed up in foreign conflicts that have no clear bearing on the protection of American freedoms. Plus, you know, Benghazi. We made this stout with roasted German hops, which we import through our newly opened Berlin brewery, and also a Japanese sake yeast, to give it that Asian influence. And then we aged it in old tequila barrels. Truly, an international beer for an international candidate.


"When I was President at POM Wonderful,” says newly installed Stone Brewing CEO Dominic Engels, “we got in trouble for claiming that POM Wonderful could help you cheat death by preventing heart disease and prostate cancer. So I’m not going to tell you that Stone beer can help fix America this November. But it can definitely ease the pain of watching the American experiment go through its great, wrenching death spasms.

"No matter which party you support, there’s a beer that can absolve you, the American voter, of all responsibility for the fate of the nation. Oops, there I go again!"

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Comments

Rocket_J_Squirrel Oct. 22, 2016 @ 10:02 p.m.

I suggest one for for Libertarian Party Gary Johnson:

WTF is ALEppo? Ale

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Walter Mencken Oct. 25, 2016 @ 10:40 a.m.

Mr. Graham, what I can't quite countenance is the hubris of The Onion to attribute quotes to our Vice President Joe Biden without so much as a "by your leave" courtesy notice. Especially when using the situation of female rockers who failed to break through, through no fault of their own, as part of the jest. Mr. Harrington, save your sympathy for the poor souls who got laid off. I despise false economic necessities. Cheers!

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Rocket_J_Squirrel Oct. 25, 2016 @ 8:53 p.m.

Walter:

I THINK you need to put ALMOST FACTUAL NEWS in the largest font possible so people can see it and might understand you are spoofing.

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Walter Mencken Oct. 25, 2016 @ 11:11 p.m.

You may well be right, sir. But I don't make these decisions.

0

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