In the image presented by the offensive tweet, The Swinging Friar flirts with the idea of becoming the Jumping Jesuit in order to spare himself the humiliation of trying to rally fans through another losing season. “One winning record in the past 10 years. At a certain point, you realize that you’re not rebuilding, you’re just who you are. It’s gotten so the few fans who still come to the games can’t even look me in my big, goofy eyes.”

NO, NOT REALLY — Kevin Whine, the new host of 97.3’s “Mo-Sho” morning show, just wanted to make a good impression upon his arrival from San Francisco. “The City had just come out with this big report about suicides at the Coronado Bridge,” says Whine. “And I got to thinking about how, of course, San Francisco is the undisputed champ in this department, because they have the Golden Gate. Hell, even the name sounds like a passage to the afterlife. But Coronado is no slouch. And it’s like Linus said in Peanuts when he wrote to the Great Pumpkin: ‘Being number two, you try harder.’ I wanted to give props to my new home’s scrappy, striving attitude when it comes to checking out, and so I took a leap and posted a Tweet. But I guess they do humor different down here.”

Yes they do. Outrage raged across the normally tranquil Twitter landscape, to the point where the Padres themselves felt compelled to comment on their new radio network’s tone. “Mental illness and suicide are not joking matters,” said Padres Executive Jokemaster Ron Foulball, “especially because you’d have to be crazy to be a Padres fan these days, and even more especially because we’re a dying team in a dying sport, being covered by a dying medium. More than 400 people have jumped from the Coronado Bridge since it opened in 1969 — which, yes, is the same year the Padres joined the Major Leagues. What's your point?"

"Anyway," concluded Foulball, "yes, we are considering the possibility of ending our contract with Entercom over their decision to stick us on the same station as this Whine fellow, even though we’re only one year into a five-year deal with them. Over the years, we’ve learned a little something about staying too long in professional relationships.”