Hillary Clinton smilingly carries a bag of “imported Colombian coffee” through one of the Juarez Cartel’s many tunnels between the United States and Mexico as a sign of friendly trade relations to come. “I was really touched by her willingness to actually get down under the ground and walk with us,” says tunnel rat Ernesto Cabrillo, pictured. “I’m not a citizen of the United States, and also a convicted felon, but she's definitely getting my vote."
"The decision to endorse Hillary Clinton for President of the United States was not an easy one,” says Juarez Cartel head Vincente Carillo Fuentes. "Donald Trump has historically been friendly to those who share his entrepreneurial spirit, who are willing to take great risks in order to win great rewards. He is also a friend to the wealthy, and let’s face it, a substantial chunk of what we sell is aimed at the one percent. The poor we will always have with us, as Jesus says, but if Hillary raises taxes on the super rich, it might mean a shrinking market for our more premium products. Also, increased border security under a Trump administration would create additional demand for the use of our tunnels by desperate souls eager to enter the United States, which means more profit for us. And, finally, a nation that elects Donald Trump president is very much a nation looking for new ways to perceive reality. And we can help with that.
"But in the end,” continues Fuentes, "we had to go with the candidate who has proven friendly to foreign donations, who dreams of more open borders and the free exchange of goods across those borders, and who is highly unlikely to nuke Juarez. Hillary understands that we are not bad hombres, but rather, the kind of hardworking, disciplined, innovative people that America needs — now more than ever.”