August 6, 2016
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Stories by Walter Mencken
"Homelessness is not an American problem. It’s an un-American problem.”
Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump was in town — well, Rancho Santa Fe — for a fundraiser on July 12, which happened to be the same day that the San Diego Police Department released Anthony …
July 30, 2016
Trump explains failed attempt to build a resort in Baja
Recently, KPBS.org ran a story documenting the complaints of investors in a never-built Baja resort that bore the Trump name and seal of approval. Besides being bitter over the way the deal went south, these …
July 25, 2016
Trump strikes out at Rancho Santa Fe fundraiser
“I guess it’s true what they say,” lamented frustrated political neophyte Donald Trump as he waited for his Uber to pick him up from The Bridges’ main clubhouse. “Being rich doesn’t necessarily make you smart …
July 24, 2016
Hillcrest Business Association seeks to drive undesirables out of San Diego’s gay district
Hillcrest Business Association Bill Nickels likes to think he is a friendly, tolerant individual. But he’s also a businessman, and as such, his tolerance has its limits. “People like me — normal, decent, hardworking Americans …
July 23, 2016
Popular TV character becomes the face of San Diego’s latest protest movement
On the popular Netflix women-in-prison drama Orange is the New Black, Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren is a troubled inmate who requires occasional visits to the psych ward. But in San Diego, she is the new …
July 17, 2016
SDSU seeks to resolve controversy by adopting new mascot
Poor Monty Montezuma. For almost 30 years, the fearsome Aztec warrior and San Diego State University mascot has had to do battle not just against opposing teams, but against a steady stream of criticism regarding …
July 16, 2016
San Diego Police break up Park at the Park homeless protest prior to All-Star game
“First it was the sharp rocks along the side of the road on Imperial Avenue,” said Homeless Lives Matter spokesman Ron Vagabond from his two-person tent on Petco Park’s rolling green lawn prior to Major …
July 15, 2016
Online release of Jerry Lewis Holocaust film spurs outcry at Legoland death camp display
For decades, Jerry Lewis’s massively misconceived Holocaust drama, The Day the Clown Cried, has remained inaccessible to both the curious and the critical, a morbid mystery wrapped in an existential enigma: What were they thinking? …
July 3, 2016
Help us rename the Marine Corps Mud Run!
In mid-June, the Marine Corps revealed to the public that a previously undetected broken pipeline within Camp Pendleton had dumped more than 870,000 gallons of sewage onto the base grounds over the course of three …
July 2, 2016
Midwest metropolis cedes iconic status to San Diego
Members of the victorious 2016 Cavaliers basketball team do their best to ignore the gnawing emptiness tearing at their souls as they arrive in Cleveland following a thrilling seven-game NBA Finals against the Golden State …
June 25, 2016
San Diego Bishop takes a moment to express his solidarity with LGBTQI community
On June 19, the Global Network of Rainbow Catholics posted an online petition at change.org to express “sorrow and solidarity with the LGBTQI community in the United States” following the horrific shooting by Muslim Omar …
June 24, 2016
Trump dismisses San Diego-based lawsuit, citing primacy of “showbiz” over “regular biz”
FEDERAL COURTHOUSE, SAN DIEGO — “Politics is show business, people,” said Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump at this morning's press conference. “It has been ever since the Lincoln-Douglas debates, and probably before that. All this …
June 18, 2016
Rapper Snoop Dogg defends lousy first pitch at Padres game
Rap legend Snoop Dogg threw out the first pitch for the Padres June 8 home game against the Atlanta Braves, though calling it a “pitch” might be a bit generous: the ball sailed so far …
June 16, 2016
Visiting professor complains about San Diego State mascot’s pregame ritual sacrifices
Everybody loves it when Monty the Montezuma plunges his blade into the chest of an opposing team’s mascot and extracts the sometimes-still-beating heart. Everybody, that is, except San Diego State visiting professor Sogy Sponge. Sponge …
June 12, 2016
Local company celebrates Hillary Clinton’s selection as the first female robot presidential candidate
“Hillary Clinton’s selection as the Democratic candidate for President is now as certain as the replacement of humanity by robots,” says Brain Corporation Chief Communications Officer Sarah Brum. “So, in a way, it’s totally fitting …
June 11, 2016
San Diego Chargers twist language in unpredictable ways
“Convadium,” crooned my partner in gadabouting Pemberton Throckmorton III, drawing out the “a” and lingering just a moment on the “m.” “Just listen to it! It’s the space of the future! What can’t you do …
June 8, 2016
Farting clowns make big stink
“Here at the San Diego Padres,” says the team’s Executive Chairfellow Ron Fouler, "we’ve always believed in the healing power of humor. I mean, can you think of another Major League Baseball outfit that’s had …
June 4, 2016
Police beat back angry mob from barrier wall at downtown Trump rally
“If those people wanted to come in,” says Trump supporter Guy Oldman, "they could have applied for entry passes like the rest of us. Instead, they’re showing complete disregard for the law by trying to …
June 3, 2016
Hillary sends husband Bill as one crying out in the wilderness
On May 21, Bill Clinton addressed a crowd of Democrats at Bonita Vista High School in Chula Vista in preparation for the California primary election on June 7. Press was excluded from the event, but …
May 30, 2016
Donald Trump promises, if elected, he'll send U.S. Special Forces to recover American jobs being held on foreign soil
Donald Trump spoke to a sellout crowd at the San Diego Convention Center yesterday, telling Republican supporters that he is the only choice for a country on the verge of disintegration. “Entropy is the law …
May 28, 2016
Following campaign stop in Vista, Bernie Sanders hunts down and kills wild investment banker at the San Diego Safari Park
Sanders: “For too long, the investment banker has viewed himself as the apex predator: he hunts freely and consumes whatever he likes, but nothing can touch him. I’m here to serve notice that those days …
May 26, 2016
Statue honoring local basketball great Bill Walton is taken back to workshop after numerous structural failures
Sad news out of Ski Beach: only two weeks after its unveiling, Alessandra Black’s statue honoring local legend Bill Walton will have to be taken back to the shop. Recent signs of buckling and stress …
May 21, 2016
SDSU President Hirshman demands resignation of students calling for his resignation
San Diego State University President Elliot Hirshman spoke out today against protestors who have been calling for his resignation ever since he failed to strongly condemn a series of fliers distributed on campus by the …
May 15, 2016
City Attorney Goldsmith admits problematic desire for more “hardcore” targets
UNDER THE PACIFIC HIGHWAY OVERPASS, OUTSKIRTS OF LITTLE ITALY — For several years, city attorney Jan Goldsmith contented himself with standard, low-level prosecution of the city’s medical marijuana dispensaries, which exist in a kind of …
May 1, 2016
Poway Proposition Plea: Vote Yes on F
Since its designation as a school district in 1960, Poway Unified has built a reputation as one of the finest places to get an excellent education (contract) in the state. Besides the crucial core program …
April 30, 2016
Key & Peele film poster uses local police sketches in place of stars
WAITING IN LINE FOR POPCORN, AMC MISSION VALLEY 20 — Keanu, the new comedy from Comedy Central comedians Key & Peele, has already attracted attention for its whimsical marketing campaign, which inserted the film’s titular …
April 29, 2016
Bishop McElroy addresses USD drag show controversy: “My sweet little darlings, please come home.”
Last week, the University of San Diego, a Catholic institution, once again hosted an LGBTQ organization's annual "PRIDE Celebration of Gender Expression: Supreme Drag Superstar" show, a tawdry, sad affair that nevertheless seeks to promote …
April 23, 2016
Bishop McElroy makes appeal on behalf of Catholic education in wake of Mar Vista High sex scandals
On April 13, Edward Aaron Mendoza, a one-time assistant football coach at Imperial Beach’s Mar Vista High School, pleaded not guilty to 20 felony counts stemming from an alleged extended sexual relationship with a 13-year-old …
April 21, 2016
Ex-mayor Bob Filner comes out in support of city attorney candidate Cabrera following anti-slut-shaming op-ed
On April 7, Democratic candidate for city attorney, Gil Cabrera, penned an op-ed for VoiceofSanDiego.com entitled “Slut Shaming Isn’t a Viable Legal Strategy.” He decried the tendency of lawyers to defend clients accused of sexual …
April 15, 2016
Donald Trump appropriates scrawled slogan for border wall initiative
On April 10, a series of pro-Trump messages were found scrawled in chalk on the sidewalks of UCSD, at least one of which included the slogan, “Build the wall, deport them all.” University Administration and …
April 15, 2016
San Diego selected as trial city for online retailer’s personalized organ-delivery service
Today, Amazon announced “the next step in our evolution toward becoming the most essential goods and services provider the world has ever seen. Thanks to technology we’d rather not discuss and you’d rather not know …
April 14, 2016
Generation Y Not Bernie?
April 9, 2016
Padres front office praises promotions department’s decision to distribute rally towels during opening series
“The Padres have always prided themselves on their promotional prowess,” said General Manager AJ Preller in a postgame news conference following the team’s 15-0 drubbing at the hands of the Los Angeles Dodgers on opening …
April 8, 2016
Padres General Manager dismisses criticisms of team’s lackluster performance
Postgame Preller: “If you give a dog a bone, he’s not gonna want to go fetch now, is he? Go yell at the Chargers. We’re perfectly happy the way things are, and in the end, …
April 8, 2016
Padres’ opening day starter takes a drubbing on the field and online
A screenshot from the Instagram account of Padres starting pitcher Tyson Ross, who was chased in the sixth inning after the Dodgers scored five runs on five consecutive hits. Even teammate Matt Kemp chimed in …
April 7, 2016
Special advertising section
Whether it’s that horrid barbarian Donald Trump, that dreadful socialist Bernie Sanders, that trollish zealot Ted Cruz, or that pantsed harpy Hillary Clinton, you won’t want to face the next four years without a good, …
April 3, 2016
SeaWorld reveals new logo after dead whale found on Torrey Pines beach
“Every great civilization has been built on the backs of the exploited,” began SeaWorld spokesman Robert Orcant at the press conference revealing the theme park’s new logo, which depicts the dead juvenile gray whale that …
April 2, 2016
Republican rabble-rouser ruins Romney’s return
MOURNING FOR THE FUTURE OF HIS PARTY AND HIS COUNTRY, 30 FEET BELOW GROUND — “Looking back,” says Mitt Romney from within the security of the concrete bunker underneath his palatial La Jolla home, “it’s …
April 1, 2016
Trump promises solution to “Green Tide”
Donald Trump took a break from his campaign today to address an issue close to his heart: immigration. Specifically, the immigration of Mexican parrot populations to San Diego and other California cities. Speaking before a …
March 21, 2016
Locavores put spotlight on recent trend of game bird delicacies in San Diego restaurants
Pemberton Throckmorton III, food critic for the hipster bible, San Diego Farthuffer Monthly, is just wild about OB Warehouse chef Brian Kelly's latest creation, the generically named — and totally local —Greens ’n Bird. "San …
March 20, 2016
Parrots make it so you cannot hear the Faulconer at mayoral press conference on conure killings
Transcription of statement from Mayor Faulconer regarding the recent spate of parrocides: “The City of San Diego has long prided itself on SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAAAAAWWK, and a major component of that SQUAWK has been the …
March 19, 2016
Rash of local wild parrot killings continues in Ocean Beach/Point Loma
STARING INTO THE SKY CRYING “WHY” AND THEN GETTING SHAT ON, POINT LOMA — The remorseless killer of the wild ring-faced conures that have graced the early daylight hours of Ocean Beach, Point Loma and …
March 18, 2016
The Trump-et sounds
Recently, Federal Judge Gonzalo Curiel ruled that a San Diego-based class-action lawsuit against Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump’s real-estate educational program, Trump University, could move forward, raising the possibility of a presidential candidate being forced …
March 12, 2016
Corporate craft culture
When MillerCoors bought Saint Archer Brewing for $35 million, fans of San Diego’s craft beer community grumbled, but consoled themselves with the thought that Saint Archer was always about the money, anyway. But when Constellation …
March 5, 2016