This recent photo of the San Diego Water Purification Demonstration Plant would seem to suggest that the Waltons remain a pretty crafty bunch.
  • This recent photo of the San Diego Water Purification Demonstration Plant would seem to suggest that the Waltons remain a pretty crafty bunch.
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Sculpy the Sculpin, Ballast Point’s new official mascot. “Everyone loves Ballast Point’s Sculpin IPA’s,” explains Constellation spokesborg Cyrus Sooth. “But our market research indicated that the illustrations on the labels were too ‘busy' — almost to the point of visual overload. Which is the last thing your average beer drinker wants from a label when he’s scanning the shelves at the supermarket or liquor store. We think the grumpy cartoon look of Sculpy will appeal to craft beer drinkers, who tend to skew young and use emojis a lot when they text. And they’ll appeal to other sorts of beer drinkers as well, from Bronys to biz kids to Belles. And the shifting color scheme will provide an easy guide for fans and newcomers alike. Clockwise from upper left, you have Sculpin IPA, Grapefruit Sculpin IPA, Habanero Sculpin IPA, and Pineapple Sculpin IPA. And remember, this is just a tiny tweak to the label, to ease entry into the marketplace. Fiddling with the package should in no way be seen as a precursor to fiddling with what’s inside. Why, that would amount to changing what makes Ballast Point…Ballast Point!"

When MillerCoors bought Saint Archer Brewing for $35 million, fans of San Diego’s craft beer community grumbled, but consoled themselves with the thought that Saint Archer was always about the money, anyway. But when Constellation Brands bought Ballast Point for $1 billion, the incursion of soulless Big Beer — “where it’s all about the brand and not the brew” — could no longer be ignored.

“These were guys who started out of a home-brew supply store,” says local beer drinker Bud Gutt. “You can’t get more crafty than that.”

Only 10 barrels? Now that’s small-batch brewing!

And when 10 Barrel Brewing Co., a former Oregon craft brew now owned by Anheuser-Busch, got approved to install a brewery at 15th and E Streets downtown, “it became clear that we were under attack. But sadly, it did not become clear to everyone. Joe Gaslamp is probably gonna see a name like 10 Barrel and think he’s all set to enjoy another fine offering from the craft beer capital of the world.”

Unfortunately, recent developments indicate that the corporate creep into craftland is not limited to the beer scene.

“We’re very pleased with the new logo,” says Starbucks Head of Brand Acquisitions Bryan Borg. “Frankly, the old one was a bit redundant. That’s a lovely ampersand, but when you already have a plus sign between “Coffee” and “Tea,” you don’t really need it. In the new logo, you still get the target’s, er, the acquisition’s full name, but the redundancy has been replaced by our signature split-tailed mermaid. Speaking of redundancies, did you say something about them still having a CEO? Let me make a note of that.”

Yesterday, San Diego’s highly regarded Coffee & Tea Collective announced that it had been purchased for $50 million by the coffee giant Starbucks.

“People are naturally going to regard this as the little fish getting swallowed by the big fish,” said C&TC CEO David Howcome. “And it’s true that I’ve gone on the record in the past with my criticisms of the one-note dark-roasting style at Starbucks — the way it tends to obscure varietal characteristics. But I prefer to think of it as a powerful virus entering a much larger, much less vital organism. I’m hoping my enthusiasm for great craft coffee will prove infectious to the whole Starbucks culture. If not, then I will just have to console myself with a yacht and a place on St. Bart’s. I hear the coffee’s pretty good there!”

Dr. Pepper Snapple Group vice president of research and development Dr. David Thomas, seen here negotiating with Peter and Ashley Woodlawn outside their home in Point Loma. “The Woodlawns bring a level of care and creativity to their lemonade that we at Dr. Pepper Snapple Group find very exciting,” says Thomas. “They even offer pulp and no-pulp versions of their artisan lemonade, which they note is made from lemons they picked themselves out back, and sweetened with real sugar instead of corn syrup. We see a big bright future ahead for Mission Hills Lemonade Company, and we want to help make that future even bigger and brighter. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d really like to close this deal before Mr. and Mrs. Woodlawn come out of their house and complicate matters.”

And that’s not all.

While enjoying a brisk Saturday-morning stroll from the alley behind The Alibi to the Mencken domicile, this reporter stumbled across what may be the first sign of Big Juice’s push to get in on San Diego’s sweet craft action.

Unfortunately, as of press time, SD on the QT was unable to confirm rumors that Walmart had entered into negotiations with the City of San Diego to bottle the city's toilet-to-tap purified drinking water under its Great Value label. Also unconfirmed: the slogan “From crap to craft.”

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dwbat March 5, 2016 @ 1:53 p.m.

Rumors coming from Ben The Beach Bum's Burger Blog say that Jack in the Box will buy San Diego's own Hodad's. Robert O. Peterson would be proud.


DJ Stevens March 7, 2016 @ 9:47 a.m.

I'd move to Russia, or somewhere else without so much corruption.


dwbat March 9, 2016 @ 4:35 p.m.

What does that comment have to do with this satirical piece?


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