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Stories by DJ Stevens

It’s a trap

Like reading one of those timeshare advertisements that promise free island getaways

Dear Hipster: What would you say if you were walking downtown and you saw a pink poster in the window of an apartment complex advertising “Hip Apartments for Lease” alongside another pink poster of a ...

The perfect catch-all holiday

Maybe you should give Festivus a shot

Dear Hipster: With the so-called Holiday Season fully upon us, one cannot engage in the world without fielding a barrage of “Happy Holidays!” and other such seasonal well-wishes. As if it weren’t enough to be ...

The Mac Davis Rule

Nobody Likes a Smartass

Dear Hipster: At this point in my life, I have friends in their twenties, thirties, forties, and even fifties. Usually, I don’t think too much about the potential generation gaps that separate us. After all, ...

Delightfully improbable scenario

Insta boomerang of self making snow angel while drinking hot rum toddy

Dear Hipster: If it snowed in San Diego this winter (I mean, in the city proper, not up in the mountains) do you think local hipsters would be into it, or would their immunity to ...

A chorus of hearty mehs

Next year? You’d best start planning now.

Dear Hipster: If pies can be ranked in order of hipness, then what else goes appropriately on the hipster Thanksgiving table? — Karen The key to any good hipster Thanksgiving table is balance — balance ...

Virtuous behavior through humblebrag

Saving the world one $80,000 luxury car at a time

Dear Hipster: I don’t agree with Corn Dog Guy (or Girl) that hipsters = yuppies. In fact, I’m not even sure there are yuppies anymore. When I think of “yuppies,” I think of a whole ...

Australians being hilariously Australian

The etymology of jive terms “hep,” “hepster,” and “hep cat”

Dear Hipster: I saw a video the other day on the Australian National Geographic website, of all places, about how the Oxford English Dictionary gives the etymology of hipsters as having something to do with ...

A penchant for all things random

What? Why? How?

Dear Hipster: I was chilling at a brewery with a couple friends the other night, and I inadvertently eavesdropped on a couple hipsters who were drunkenly bellowing behind me about some shenanigans one of them ...

A cruel, gentrifying hybrid called... Corn Dog

All of them sold the heck out and published books. Typical.

Dear Hipster: I think the concept of hipster has changed so much throughout the past 25 years that I don’t even consider hipsters Hipsters anymore. I consider them to be...yuppies. Am I wrong to think ...

Ripe for holiday mockery

What will be the number one hot Halloween costume this year?

Dear Hipster: Every damn year, Halloween comes around and I realize I’ve got a party on Saturday...and it’s Thursday...and I don’t have a costume, or even an idea. I swear, this year I’m going to ...

Blind pet diagnosis: the truth lies somewhere in the middle

I propose a simple series of diagnostic tests

Dear Hipster: I have a 13-year-old Italian Greyhound rescue, Turbo, who I just discovered is almost totally blind. Italian Greyhounds are sighthounds. Does Turbo’s sightlessness make him an ironic, hipster sighthound? Should he move to ...

A perverse tribute to a true dive

The only true dive is one that would resent the title

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrpTDaSjfaM

This burnt ochre-colored craving

Pumpkin spice pioneer, for I believe your day is coming

This burnt ochre-colored craving

Life expectancy

The future needn’t always come at the expense of the past

Life expectancy

A generation of industrious professionals

Hipster parents will be paradoxically proud of the mainstream little overachievers they raised

A generation of industrious professionals

Hipster superpower

Shaving with your laser vision?

Dear Hipster: Would it be hipster to refer to “an hipster,” as opposed to “a hipster,” or would it be pretentious? — An Enquirer I think it’s only pretentious if you say “an hipster” when ...

The difference matters

How much hipsters giveth unto pop culture, but also how much they taketh away

Dear Hipster: You write often of the quirks and idiosyncrasies that differentiate hipsters from what I will call, for lack of a better word, the bourgeoisie. I want to hear about the inverse principle. Namely, ...

How to avoid hipsters

“Man, I remember when it wasn’t so played out”

Dear Hipster: I’ve noticed the way this column often provides helpful (dare I say “invaluable”?) advice on how to distinguish various varieties of hipster from each other, on where to find hipsters, and on why ...

Where San Diego hipsterness begins

Save $2 and get the shredded beef burrito instead

Dear Hipster: What is the most San Diego-specific hipster thing you could do? — Kyle On balance, our local hipsters are much the same as hipsters in any other urban locale worthy of an Eater ...

Don't try to predict the next big thing

Pick a number between 35 and 7892, divide it by a rye Manhattan...

Dear Hipster: Why do so many hipsters harbor ambitions as musicians? — Ernesto It’s actually the other way around, many musicians live hipster lives. The part of the human brain that makes music begins to ...

Seasoned with a hint of social conscience

A home-cooked meal drowned in the sauce of creative necessity

Dear Hipster: I’ve been following your advice about eating all the food in the house in order to make space, but its not been so easy. Why do I have all these cans of sun ...

Brick & mortified

More "doomed to obsolescence"

After an outpouring of creative ideas from the brightest minds among the Reader’s local fan base, I offer the following list of neologisms that might fill the gap in the English language where there really ...

A Hip Hopera

“Slicker than a porpoise and thicker than a horse is”

Dear Hipster: What kind of music is best for working out? — La Jolla Spin Class Junkie I wouldn’t know. We hipsters prefer to remain thin by smoking cigarettes and eating kale. Dear Hipster: I ...

Doomed to obsolescence

Blockbuster syndrome?

At the end of May, I put out a call for suggestions from readers for a word meaning “the pain you feel when you realize something you love about the world is doomed to obsolescence.” ...

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Why aren't they ordering craft cocktails in North Park alongside the lumberjacks?

Dear Hipster: I was idly browsing Westworld reddits the other day, trying to figure out exactly what the heck has been going on the past couple weeks, and that got me thinking about cowboys. Real ...

Dads who like booze donuts and sausage cocktails

"Am I no longer cool? Do I even care?"

Dear Hipster: I’ve been having a kind of hipster crisis lately. I fear I am gradually becoming less and less cool. It seems like just yesterday I was tending bar, sleeping in, getting drunk at ...

Martinis and kidney shaped pools

and; Can one be both retro and creative?

Dear Hipster: Consider the following a sort of follow-up to your recent missive about weather and seasons. Which is the more hipster destination, the desert or the beach? — Dale J. Hmmm, both certainly have ...

Tech, you were my brother, and I loved you

But the future doesn't look bright for us

Dear Hipster: What was your favorite hipster moment during the royal wedding? — Erin Not watching it. Dear Hipster: Did you hear Yanny or Laurel? — Derek I don’t get what all the fuss is ...

Why isn't there Amerivision?

California could kick in the occasional gangsta rap-surf-punk-norteño fusion number

Dear Hipster: I have no opinion on the chicken song, but I sort of wonder, why doesn’t the US have something like the Eurovision Song Contest? — Denny Beats the heck outta me. I would ...

And the winner is...

The most hipster thing ever!

Dear Hipster: What are the five most hipster things that have ever happened? — Derek I guess this is it. Number one. The hipsterest thing of all. We began this journey by learning about some ...

Eat everything in your house

How rad is it to live in such a world of plenty?

Dear Hipster: What are the five most hipster things that have ever happened? — Derek I’ve already plumbed the depths of my knowledge and summoned the three most hipster things ever. Based on completely objective, ...

The best minds of my generation destroyed by madness

Angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection

Dear Hipster: What are the five most hipster things that have ever happened? — Derek As we enter the third part of my efforts at cataloguing the five hipsterest things of all time, I’ll briefly ...

George Plimpton: a life lived on a "wouldn't it be crazy if" basis

The number four most hipster thing ever

Dear Hipster: What are the five most hipster things that have ever happened? — Derek As promised, I now continue a painstaking countdown of the five most unequivocally hipster things that have ever happened. Last ...

Y'all best stick to beer and booze

The wine world has no room for hipsters

Dear Hipster: Between discourses on the early days of the hipster-PBR relationship, paeans to the superiority of snooty craft beer, or nostalgic returns to traditional dad beers (e.g. Narragansett in the North East, Natty Boh ...

Hipster humor, explained

The majority of your friends will hate the Orange Head joke

Dear Hipster: Please tell me a good hipster joke. What kind of jokes do hipsters generally like, anyways? — Chad Well, on the one hand, you have your “hipster jokes” such as, “How many hipsters ...

Rap puts hipsters in a bind

We sometimes like the music just because it's good

Dear Hipster: We hear so much about hipsters and the obscure indie rock bands they love, but I want to take that discussion in another direction. Specifically, a direction completely apart from twee indie music ...

Cirque du Hipster

If you have to ask about the cool thing, then you're probably not sufficiently into it

Hipster: So, are there any notable hipster events held anywhere? Craft-beer festivals don’t count. Beard contests, obscure craft hobbies and art on display, booths with books of unheard-of authors, single-speed bike races? I think this ...

Wooing the ad-shy hipster

There is only one thing a Ferrari attracts: other dudes

Dear Hipster: What is the deal with advertising to hipsters? I would think that hipsters would be immune from marketing ploys, if for no other reason than hipsters wouldn’t want to purchase something so mainstream ...

The good old days that never were

The case for Howard the Duck and “Kyrie” is with the jury

Dear Hipster: I have been thinking about the popularity of retro stuff recently, at least from a pop-culture standpoint. To me, it seems like people remember the past as distinctly better than it actually was. ...

A blunderbuss-load of errata

No query too obtuse, no question too droll, no answer too useless

Nothing warms my heart in the dead of winter more than the random questions y’all propound upon me throughout the year. I refuse to believe you’re just messing with me. Instead, I think of this ...

The tortuous relationship between hipsters and stick-and-ball sports

The hipster goes through between one and five stages of sports appreciation, always in the same order

Hey Mr. Hipster Dude! With the passing of another Super Bowl of Crap, do hipsters actually pay any attention to all the sports crap that’s going on? If they do, WHY? I usually ride my ...

Where it's always 1997

Full House reruns 24 hours a day

Dear Hipster: Why can I not divide by zero? I feel like there’s some Illuminati conspiracy to cover up the truth. — Z. Math has nothing to do with it. As anyone with an ounce ...

Talk of the occasional guava pastry leads to a physics lesson

Ironic heat death of the hipsterverse caused by a gradual loss of potential coolness

Dear Hipster: Why is there never any parking near hipster coffee shops (especially ones that contain guava pastries)? — Janelle Khaleesi There’s a simple answer and a hard answer. I’ll give you the easy one ...

Get stabbed by a guy named Nekro Klown

Or die at Thunder Nationals

Dear Hipster: Would you rather attend the Gathering of the Juggalos or the Thunder Nationals monster-truck competition? I don’t actually care, but I admit to some curiosity. — Deb Oh. Wow. Tough choice. On the ...

Withdrawing in disgust is not the same thing as apathy

Hating generates false camaraderie

Dear Hipmeister, In a recent answer to a question about increasing automobile size, you wrote, “It’s like a big middle finger to hipsters everywhere, which, naturally, people love.” That brought two questions to mind. One, ...

“MMMBop” was one heck of a song

Your best friend’s little sister was right

Dear Hipster: Is it finally safe to admit that I really like the song “MMMBop,” or can people make fun of me for that? — Dave Can you believe it? Hanson’s Middle of Nowhere can ...

The bigger the car, the bigger the middle finger

Corporate America can't stand kale America

Dear Hipster: Why did cars become enormous sometime during the past ten years? — Ann L. If you listen to the think pieces, the reasons are various: building larger cars lets manufacturers skip out on ...

That “Chinese Restaurant” episode of Seinfeld...

Everyone has his fix

Dear Hipster: I was sitting around the other day with friends, commiserating over the injustice of being forced to wait till 2019 for the next Game of Thrones series, and I realized that a surprising ...

A reason to break from the corporate state

Valentine's Day perfect for you

Dear Hipster: Why does the Valentine’s Day stuff come out the day after Christmas? — S. Commerce, bruh! Sometimes, I actually think we are headed toward a future straight out of a George Saunders story, ...

Is small-batch bread necessarily good?

Watch for the bandwagon jumpers

Dear Hipster: Is “craft” beer more authentic than “artisan” bread? Am I better off with hand- or homemade? Is small batch better or worse than limited edition? I am lost in a sea of hipster ...

Let’s Be Friends

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