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Stories by DJ Stevens

22 shades of hipsterness

No bags, please, just put it in my bicycle panniers

Hipster: People all over town are giving away their hipsterness (or lack thereof) in front of local grocery stores! Since those little plastic bags were banned in California, I’ve noticed that shoppers differ widely in ...

What's with all the heavy metal distinctions?

Sad White People + Occasional Clapping

Dear DJ: On an episode of Seinfeld, Elaine called Kramer a hipster dufus. Sure, Kramer was a doofus, but was he a hipster doofus? Did they have hipsters in the early ’90s? — RJ Narlian ...

The San Diego hipster constantly threatens to move to Portland but doesn’t

The Portland hipster keeps threatening to move to Detroit/Baltimore/Tallahassee.

Dear Hipster: I think you can probably guess where this is going, but, how about the difference, if any, between San Diego hipsters and Portland hipsters. — Janelle Portland hipsters have acquired some legendary statues ...

The gulf between San Diego and Austin hipsters yawns deep

On the odium toward sellouts

Dear Hipster: Okay. How about the difference between San Diego hipsters and hipsters from, say, Austin, Texas? — Janelle To the uneducated eye, a local hipster may be indistinguishable from a far-flung Texan cool kid. ...

Proven hipster business models

Accept that, unless you are actively selling, you are being bought

Dear Hipster: I have been wondering, what’s the best way for me to get rich quick without having to do too much work? I know, that sounds a little sarcastic, but I’m serious. Surely there ...

There have always been hipsters

Odds are even they’ll survive the apocalypse(s)

Dear Hipster: Will there always be hipsters? If so, why? If not, why, and what will come after? — Daisy In one sense, hipsters have been around in one form or another since just about ...

Not exactly L.A. versus San Diego

The San Diego hipster isn’t ashamed to be a lifetime bartender.

Dear Hipster: What’s the difference (if there is one) between an L.A. hipster and a San Diego hipster? — Janelle Picture two hipsters with rhyming names, Alysyn from L.A., fresh from riding the gentrification wave ...

A burrito is many things, but ... a sandwich?

The best thing you ever ate at 4:17 a.m.

Dear Hipster: Is a burrito a sandwich? — Gary Why you must ask me such things as lie beyond my sphere of expertise, I shall never know. Is a bicycle a vehicle? Is a chihuahua ...

The hipster was inside you the whole time

Seven solutions

Dear Hipster: You’re in a lightless, windowless, doorless room with four pills; two red, two blue. Take one of each, and you will attain hipster immortality. Everything cool will be old news to you before ...

Things hipsters ought to like, but don't

Dennistown is a bit too obscure

Hi, DJ Stevens: Are you a real DJ or are those your initials? — PM (initials) I wouldn’t say I’m not a DJ. Calvin Harris has been biting my style for years. He knows I ...

Don’t expect a taxpayer-subsidized Trump Phone

They aren’t special in any regard anyway

Dear Hipster: Are Obama Phones still called Obama Phones, or are they now Trump phones? And I must also ask, is any kind of free phone something a true Hipster would carry? I mean, what ...

What is hip?

Answer correctly for a chance to win swag — no Googling!

Dear Hipster, I became a part of the new breed. I’ve been smoking only the best weed and hanging out with the so-called hippest set. I’ve been seen in all the right places, and with ...

But ’70s surfers didn’t wear skinny jeans

They say everybody sells out eventually

I’ve decided to do the sensible thing by breaking down this message, clause by clause (the letter writer’s query in italics), to tease out the subtleties. After all, we’re not so different, he and I. ...

The snootiest coffee and the hoppiest beer are equals

Embrace the hipness

Dear Hipster, Is there an aspect of hipster culture — be it as simple as footwear or as complex as existential philosophy — that you reject? — B. Butterbur Negative. I am all that is ...

Daylight Saving Time: Deal with it

Indispensible to some, vexatious to many, and more or less inextricable

Here’s a question I’ve been asking my entire life, and I’ve never gotten an answer that sounded logical: why do we have Daylight Saving Time? Probably the only response I’ve ever gotten that sounded right ...

Even hipster girls get a sexy makeover for the sake of entertainment

It's all about fantasy

Dear Hipster: In sci-fi, spaceship, submarine, or war movies, why are the men outfitted totally in armor, but the females have skimpy bikinis and high-heeled boots (yet never get wounded)? — Ralph From tasteless Whitesnake ...

It doesn’t help hunting’s cause that it’s a big pain

There are so many other ways to get your wood-to-table fix

Hipster: I was thinking about hunting the other day, and I thought it was kind of ironic that you never hear the manly man lumberjack hipsters talking about hunting. Wouldn’t that go along with the ...

Normal Heights foodie gang goes underground

Hipsters sabotaged the dining industry by seeding the foodie scene with cravings for kale and grass-fed meats.

Hello again, Hipster: I saw the attached graffiti near my workplace in Normal Heights. Are there hipster turf wars in San Diego? Is this the foodie gang’s tag? If they have a beef with another ...

How to spot a poser

Intern at uncle’s law firm by day, “punk” by night? Poser

Dear Hipster: How do you spot a poser? — Deb Oh, damn. Let’s just take a breath here. Slow down a minute before we dive into a long answer for a short question. Talk about ...

No room at the Farm-to-Table Inn for the sensibly mature

Let your gray hairs grow wild and free

Dear Hipster: I found my first gray hair about five years ago, and ever since I’ve been plucking them out, one by one, as they arrive on my head. I consider them the forward scouts ...

Mexico: Just another place to get a dog

Raise your hipster cred by getting a pup from south of the border

Dear Hipster: Why does it seem all the hipsters go to Mexico to get their dogs? Not to sound too Trump-y, but what’s wrong with our local dogs? — Ed Till recently, a run-of-the-puppy-mill mongrel ...

Why David Bowie and not Justin Bieber?

Question offers another opportunity to throw Kings of Leon under the bus

Dear Hipster: It’s said that a catastrophic event (nuclear war, the volcano under Yellowstone erupting, a meteor strike) would kill off the more advanced creatures, like us, but leave less evolved beings, like cockroaches. 2016 ...

Definitely hold on to the Tubthumper LP

Good hipsters don't discard music.

Hey, Mr. Hipster, dude: As you can see, I have quite a few albums, including a few by the Soft Machine but none from the Tragically Hip. What’s up with that? Or is it down ...

Day-Glo in a sea of black pea coats

Hipsters aren't afraid of threads that pop

Dear Hipster: Please explain why Californians fear bright colors in their clothing. In San Diego; on the trolley; in the long lines crossing the border; everywhere you go, 98 percent of people are wearing drab ...

Dinner-party vegan means no harm

Vegan eggnog gets even the most recalcitrant aunts and cousins laughing

Dear Hipster: You hipsters and your crazy food predilections are killing me. I had my sister over for the holidays. She brought her new hipster boyfriend, who won’t eat corn, milk, and (obviously) gluten. If ...

Make cash king in 2017

You can buy a lot of used vinyl with the money you won't be spending on cigarettes

Dear Hipster:What will you do differently in 2017?— B. Despite my general disdain for mainstream concerns, I’ve come to appreciate the New Year’s Resolution, at least in a conceptual sense. Despite the fact that the ...

Audiobook-listening is not the same as reading

Why it matters if the words go through your eyes as opposed to your ears

Dear Hipster: My friend and I have a longstanding dispute, and I’ve unilaterally decided to bring you into it (you’re welcome). It began years ago, when that book Born to Run came out. I remember ...

Gifts for the last-minute hipster shopper

Consider giving the “Nasty Woman” T-shirt

Dear Hipster: I’m super burnt out on the whole “holiday shopping” scene. I went to the movies in Mission Valley the other day, and I’m still having flashbacks from the sight of cars practically running ...

Bob Ross, anti-hipster

Near-universal positive regard

Dear Hipster: Since he embraced kitsch and practically hid his most clever comments by saying them in the same soft tone of voice as everything else he said, was Bob Ross the ultimate anti-hipster? — ...

The rebellion against clever baby names

What about Bob?

Dear DJ: Riddle me this, why must millennials or hipsters name their newborns Lorax, Fennel, Maverick, Jaxson, Skylar, etc? What happened to good ol’ Bob and Henry? You know, names of power. — Javier Zoquaipa ...

Only a Gen Xer can stop a hipster trend

But ... do they need to be stopped?

Dear Hipster: I was wondering if hipster things that become cool and mainstream are not cool anymore. For example, I noticed that the hipsters here used to wear a scarf. I am not talking a ...

Sometimes it’s okay to tell racist jokes

Great answers for dumb questions

For every good soul facing a genuine hipster quandary out there, at least one budding troll just wants to see if he can get a rise out of me. I’m actually cool with it. I’ve ...

Hipster cold remedies

Somewhere between reality and the wishful optimism of New Age woo-woo

Dear Hipster: Winter is coming, and that means it’s time to get sick, right? Every year, I succumb to some sort of nasty ailment between Thanksgiving and Christmas. No amount of Ricola and handwashing seems ...

Worldwide hipsterdom

A reproducible aesthetic

Dear Hipster: Are hipsters based only in the U.S. or are they worldwide? — Brad Part of what makes hipster style interesting is the relative uniformity of hipster enclaves throughout the world. From San Diego ...

Ways to entertain yourself, now that the election is over

For starters, learn the history of wood-cased pencils

Dear Hipster: How the heck am I supposed to ironically entertain myself now that I can’t hate-watch that trainwreck of an election? — David As far as the classic hipster pastime of “watching stuff in ...

Hipster laughmongers

Unpleasant, obscure, dark.

Dear Hipster Lore Master: You mentioned Louis C.K. in one of your recent dispensations of wisdom. It got me wondering: What kind of comedy works best for hipsters? C.K., I could see working because of ...

Ampersands are cool

Unmistakenly hipster

Dear Hipster: (1) What’s with the trend of local hipster places with two words separated by an ampersand? Like: Herb & Wood, Soda & Swine, Craft & Commerce, Ketchup & Vodka, etc. (2) Are those ...

Hipsters love typography

What is the point of all those fonts that nobody ever uses?

Dear Hipster: Why does Microsoft Word come with so many fonts that nobody ever uses? — Syd It’s not that nobody ever uses them, it’s that 99 percent of the available fonts in your word-processing ...

The goatee and affinity for local beers don’t tell the story

A sliding scale of hipsterness

Dear Hipster: Sadly, I must inform you that shrimp are crustaceans, not molluscs as you stated. I’m certain I’m not the only amateur marine biologist giving you crap about this. I enjoy your column, though. ...

Hipsters are not required to give up their skinny jeans by age 30

If the hipster world is anything like Middle Earth, Frodo hasn’t even left the Shire yet.

Hipster: How long have you had your column? Isn’t there some rule that says you’ve aged out of hipsterdom? Don’t hipsters follow a modified Logan’s Run rule? What gives? — Dan Dan. My man. Haven’t ...

Joe Exotic has the answer...and a kick-ass Instagram game

Vote for Joe...because America, meow

Dear Hipster: Election is almost upon us! Who will you (and the rest of the hipsters) vote for? — Dawn I actually thought I was going to get away with not fielding this particular inquiry. ...

Vague words and catchphrases lure Millennials into buying

“Artisanal” loses its meaning the moment it appears on a mass-marketed package

Dear Hipster: I enjoy reading your column. I thought of you recently whilst purchasing frozen precooked Baja shrimp at a strip-mall grocery store. The package boasted that the shrimp were “wild-caught by artisanal fishermen.” What ...

The unnerving man-bun craze

Hipsters can't take credit — too Hollywood

Dear Hipster: I need help with this man-bun craze, you know, the short hair with a little ponytail. One of my favorite performers has taken up the man-bun, and it’s on all of his album ...

Hipster Halloween costume rundown

Good reasons to avoid costumes that are in poor taste

Dear Hipster: Any good ideas for Halloween costumes? — Micaela My fave, the pop-culturally appropriate Hipster Halloween Costume Rundown. This year, the easy choice is scary clowns. I’m not sure if the whole “clown attack” ...

Yum: grape ice cream and liquid meats

The demand for counterintuitive foods

Dear Hipster: Why is there no grape ice cream? #lifeslittlemysteries. — Cici A surprising glut of insane theories surrounds the nonexistence of grape ice cream. Believe none of them. Corporate America (responsible for all but ...

Overlooked retro concepts

Will Bartles & Jaymes Fuzzy Navel wine coolers make a comeback?

Dear Hipster: I get why hipsters love to recreate awkward family photos from the 1980s and why they love ugly Christmas sweater parties. I dig it when they play records at home. In fact, I ...

It’s a dubious privilege to be a hipster

Still very much a class apart from the mainstream

Dear Hipster: As one of my friends recently noted on Facebook, “Part of being a Hipster is pretending you aren’t a Hipster, and in fact insisting you don’t like Hipsters. But, what science is still ...

How long can a culture built on insincerity last?

Instead of going forward 200 years, go back 200 years

Dear DJ, I’m an admirer of many aspects of Hipster Culture — craft, style, literacy, simplicity, girls in pleasant dresses, for instance. But I worry that it’s a culture doomed to failure, because it’s built ...

Oh...braying neighbors

Don't let assholes ruin your life

Dear Hipster: Ugh. My neighbors on Nextdoor are such pricks sometimes. I’m obviously not going to say where I live, but it suffices to say that any issue related to parking or pets (among other ...

Let the $13 Fiery Jackal happen

#lifeslittlemysteries — solved!

Dear Hipster: I have one of #lifeslittlemysteries for you. Why is it that whenever I don’t need a drink at the bar, the hipster bartender comes over to check on me with that little, “You ...

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