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Stories by DJ Stevens

And the winner is...

The most hipster thing ever!

Dear Hipster: What are the five most hipster things that have ever happened? — Derek I guess this is it. Number one. The hipsterest thing of all. We began this journey by learning about some ...

Eat everything in your house

How rad is it to live in such a world of plenty?

Dear Hipster: What are the five most hipster things that have ever happened? — Derek I’ve already plumbed the depths of my knowledge and summoned the three most hipster things ever. Based on completely objective, ...

The best minds of my generation destroyed by madness

Angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection

Dear Hipster: What are the five most hipster things that have ever happened? — Derek As we enter the third part of my efforts at cataloguing the five hipsterest things of all time, I’ll briefly ...

George Plimpton: a life lived on a "wouldn't it be crazy if" basis

The number four most hipster thing ever

Dear Hipster: What are the five most hipster things that have ever happened? — Derek As promised, I now continue a painstaking countdown of the five most unequivocally hipster things that have ever happened. Last ...

Y'all best stick to beer and booze

The wine world has no room for hipsters

Dear Hipster: Between discourses on the early days of the hipster-PBR relationship, paeans to the superiority of snooty craft beer, or nostalgic returns to traditional dad beers (e.g. Narragansett in the North East, Natty Boh ...

Hipster humor, explained

The majority of your friends will hate the Orange Head joke

Dear Hipster: Please tell me a good hipster joke. What kind of jokes do hipsters generally like, anyways? — Chad Well, on the one hand, you have your “hipster jokes” such as, “How many hipsters ...

Rap puts hipsters in a bind

We sometimes like the music just because it's good

Dear Hipster: We hear so much about hipsters and the obscure indie rock bands they love, but I want to take that discussion in another direction. Specifically, a direction completely apart from twee indie music ...

Cirque du Hipster

If you have to ask about the cool thing, then you're probably not sufficiently into it

Hipster: So, are there any notable hipster events held anywhere? Craft-beer festivals don’t count. Beard contests, obscure craft hobbies and art on display, booths with books of unheard-of authors, single-speed bike races? I think this ...

Wooing the ad-shy hipster

There is only one thing a Ferrari attracts: other dudes

Dear Hipster: What is the deal with advertising to hipsters? I would think that hipsters would be immune from marketing ploys, if for no other reason than hipsters wouldn’t want to purchase something so mainstream ...

The good old days that never were

The case for Howard the Duck and “Kyrie” is with the jury

Dear Hipster: I have been thinking about the popularity of retro stuff recently, at least from a pop-culture standpoint. To me, it seems like people remember the past as distinctly better than it actually was. ...

A blunderbuss-load of errata

No query too obtuse, no question too droll, no answer too useless

Nothing warms my heart in the dead of winter more than the random questions y’all propound upon me throughout the year. I refuse to believe you’re just messing with me. Instead, I think of this ...

The tortuous relationship between hipsters and stick-and-ball sports

The hipster goes through between one and five stages of sports appreciation, always in the same order

Hey Mr. Hipster Dude! With the passing of another Super Bowl of Crap, do hipsters actually pay any attention to all the sports crap that’s going on? If they do, WHY? I usually ride my ...

Where it's always 1997

Full House reruns 24 hours a day

Dear Hipster: Why can I not divide by zero? I feel like there’s some Illuminati conspiracy to cover up the truth. — Z. Math has nothing to do with it. As anyone with an ounce ...

Talk of the occasional guava pastry leads to a physics lesson

Ironic heat death of the hipsterverse caused by a gradual loss of potential coolness

Dear Hipster: Why is there never any parking near hipster coffee shops (especially ones that contain guava pastries)? — Janelle Khaleesi There’s a simple answer and a hard answer. I’ll give you the easy one ...

Get stabbed by a guy named Nekro Klown

Or die at Thunder Nationals

Dear Hipster: Would you rather attend the Gathering of the Juggalos or the Thunder Nationals monster-truck competition? I don’t actually care, but I admit to some curiosity. — Deb Oh. Wow. Tough choice. On the ...

Withdrawing in disgust is not the same thing as apathy

Hating generates false camaraderie

Dear Hipmeister, In a recent answer to a question about increasing automobile size, you wrote, “It’s like a big middle finger to hipsters everywhere, which, naturally, people love.” That brought two questions to mind. One, ...

“MMMBop” was one heck of a song

Your best friend’s little sister was right

Dear Hipster: Is it finally safe to admit that I really like the song “MMMBop,” or can people make fun of me for that? — Dave Can you believe it? Hanson’s Middle of Nowhere can ...

The bigger the car, the bigger the middle finger

Corporate America can't stand kale America

Dear Hipster: Why did cars become enormous sometime during the past ten years? — Ann L. If you listen to the think pieces, the reasons are various: building larger cars lets manufacturers skip out on ...

That “Chinese Restaurant” episode of Seinfeld...

Everyone has his fix

Dear Hipster: I was sitting around the other day with friends, commiserating over the injustice of being forced to wait till 2019 for the next Game of Thrones series, and I realized that a surprising ...

A reason to break from the corporate state

Valentine's Day perfect for you

Dear Hipster: Why does the Valentine’s Day stuff come out the day after Christmas? — S. Commerce, bruh! Sometimes, I actually think we are headed toward a future straight out of a George Saunders story, ...

Is small-batch bread necessarily good?

Watch for the bandwagon jumpers

Dear Hipster: Is “craft” beer more authentic than “artisan” bread? Am I better off with hand- or homemade? Is small batch better or worse than limited edition? I am lost in a sea of hipster ...

Wanting to eat the Tide Pod is perfectly natural

Will you pay more for it?

Dear Hipster: Will I die if I eat a Tide Pod? — Derek You will probably die, yes. I won’t blame you. Wanting to eat the Tide Pod, at least a little bit, is perfectly ...

Brits who mimic Americans

Why they have an easier time than we do

Dear Hipster: Why are British people better at talking like Americans than Americans are at talking like Brits? — Dick Yet more random, with two possible explanations. One reason is that maybe they just want ...

At least a Netflix binger branches out

Better than re-watching your faves over and over

Dear Hipster: In terms of addictive behaviors, is it worse to binge-watch a Netflix show that you don’t even like, or to re-watch old shows and movies that you do like, but that you’ve seen ...

Nap vs. sleep

It's a shifty line

Dear Hipster: When does a nap turn into a sleep? — Neil The randomness continues. The shifty line between nap and sleep is like the one that divides being a full-time, professional artist or musician ...

Wolves have a clear advantage over bears

T-shirts are the measure

Dear Hipster: I have been pondering animals of late. Specifically, I have had large, predatory mammals on my mind. Mostly, I have been thinking about bears and the many ways in which they are probably ...

Atari Flashback 8 — what's not to love?

But retro Moog and Korg don't deserve quasi-mythic significance

Dear Hipster: What were the best and worst parts of 2017? What are we most looking forward to, from a hipster perspective, of course, in 2018? — Andrew Despite a rising trend in declaring every ...

Winter — the chance to grow a luxurious beard

Even San Diego allows for cool fashion

Dear Hipster: What is the best place to be a hipster during the wintertime? Is it a Colorado resort? The desert? Alaska? Florida? Whatever the place — why? — Dana, City Heights Hipsters love certain ...

Cheesy-yet-earnest ’80s music became cool again

Don't try to pinpoint the date

Dear Hipster: I was listening to 91X the other day and I heard “Everything Now,” by Arcade Fire, and I thought for a second there was some previously unreleased Duran Duran tune. In a way ...

Cringey and wincey go head to head

Beyond awkward

Dear Hipster: Why do people say “cringe-y” when they so clearly mean “wince-y”? One doesn’t cringe when one hears something awkward or embarrassing, one winces. One cringes when one is afraid. Am I missing something? ...

The Milky Bun from Orange County

White Americans do not have the lock on this thing

Dear Hipster: Does hipster-ism extend to multiple cultures? Living in SoCal, one gets to appreciate, and even integrate with, people and neighborhoods with distinct cultural identities. Are there branches of hipsters among different cultural pockets, ...

There are bands other than Green Day and Blink 182

And there is no Santa

Dear Hipster: As far as comparative Christmas-ruining is concerned, what would be worse — accidentally telling your four-year-old cousins the truth about Santa Claus or forgetting to get your boy- or girlfriend a Christmas present? ...

Sure-fire way to stop rampant consumerism

An experiment with one family

Dear Hipster: Fair warning, this is not a question. I just want to share with you a holiday tradition, followed by my family, because I think it will appeal to your hipster values. It all ...

Slings, arrows, and naming names

Who are Tim Mays, Sam Chammas, Chuck Patton, Paul Horn, Dave Good?

Dear Hipster: Your list of great albums sucks. You suffer from a lack of taste. Go back to making jokes about mustaches and Cap’n Crunch. — Ethan Hipster: Nice work leaving out Paul’s Boutique, hipster. ...

Spongebob Squarepants is still on TV

The early 2000s can seem at once distant and familiar

Dear Hipster: Here I sit, gazing forlornly at my navel and contemplating the nature of time. What is time? While I can look at the clock and see the second hand tick-tick-tick the day away, ...

Omit the 21st century

Best albums for us

Dear Hipster: Top five desert-island album choices? — Hannah (listening to My Bloody Valentine in Talmadge) I’ve been sitting on this one for a while now, not afraid per se, but reticent to meet this ...

Hook me up to Cap'n Crunch

One food every day for the rest of my life

Dear Hipster: If you had to eat one food every day for the rest of your life, what would it be? — Dan Apparently I’m being forced, most likely at gunpoint or other annihilatory threat, ...

The line between genius and stereotype is just so thin

And a hipster bucket list is a contradiction in terms.

Dear Hipster: What’s the most hipster thing you have done recently? What’s the most hipster thing you have ever done? What’s the most hipster thing you can possibly conceive of doing but have not yet ...

The truth behind mustaches and charity

Weather the criticisms of your friends, buy the drinks

Dear Hipster:My friends and I agreed that we would all participate in Movember this year, each fully committed to grow his bushiest mustache. As a somewhat hirsute gentleman, my mustache has grown well and rapidly, ...

“It’s, like, you know, like....” — maybe this stuttering will disappear

No one predicted the Spanish Inquisition, or neo-swing in the late 1990s

Dear Hipster: A 35-ish man three tables down is talking a great deal to his two table mates. He begins every, and I mean every, sentence with “It’s, like, you know, like....” He repeats the ...

Fake it till you make it

It’s not like life hands out certificates.

Dear Hipster: I like to think of myself as an expert on certain topics. For example, I know more about DC wiring than most electricians, at least, the ones who primarily do residential AC work. ...

Animals do amazing things; people take selfies

They catch salmon, run 40 miles an hour

Dear Hipster: Why can only animals do amazing things, like catch salmon out of the water with their bear hands, fly, run 40 miles per hour on short little legs, smell the ghost of a ...

The world of the tabletop gamer is too intense

Warhammer 40K is not for the dabbler

Dear Hipster: I guess this is a sort of follow-up to your recent commentary on board-gaming, but I want to know where classic tabletop gaming fits into the mix. I’ve been a Warhammer 40K player ...

Glitzy nostalgia porn

That's why Marvel and not DC

Dear Hipster: So, we have Marvel movies and DC movies, both killing it at the box office these days. November will see Justice League and Ragnarok in cinemas at the same time. What I, and ...

Salt Bae, the Eclipse, IT, Cuphead, the Mooch — look for them Halloween

2017 superstars — even if you hated them

Dear Hipster: What are your top selections for Halloween costumes this year? — Sandy It’s once again time to celebrate that greatest of all hipster traditions: elaborate, ironic, pop culturally relevant Halloween costumes! Salt Bae ...

Neither sonnets nor haiku

Limericks showcase your cleverness and irreverence

Dear Hipster, Do you agree with my belief that haiku ought to be the poem of choice in the hipster community? They are simple yet crafty, and the principle of kireji — a sort of ...

I have never met a real life Dave Matthews fan

Some questions shouldn’t be answered

Dear Hipster: Who would win in a fight, Rick Sanchez or Scrooge McDuck? — Allen Some questions just can’t be answered, Allen. You might as well ask: Why is Germany the only country where the ...

The struggle of 50 hours at the office

Make that avocado toast in the day-job lunchroom

Dear Hipster: Is it possible to hold down a 9-to-5 professional career, say, as an accountant with a major international financial services firm, but still be a hipster? — Andy Of course. Nothing’s impossible in ...

Hipster-millennial overlap

Those people who name their children Patterson, Admiral, Dillinger

Dear Hipster: Well, I got a sell-out day-job again — having graduated from occupying reclaimed wood seats in North Park avocado toast & fair trade dens of day-time slack — but I just can’t stop ...

The excuses for loud motorcycles

My money’s on, “They just want to be cool.”

Let’s talk about these super loud motorcycles around town. What the hell?! I’m tired of turning a blind eye, or ear for that matter, to the subject. These guys think they can just blast through ...

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