4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Can Peeps cure scurvy?

Purchasing half-priced Easter candy from the local Rite Aid

Pumpkins don’t peep, chickens do.
Pumpkins don’t peep, chickens do.

Hipster:

Why do I feel compelled to purchase discount, post-Easter candy when I would never, under normal circumstances, purchase a giant bag of Kit Kats and mini-Snickers for myself? Is there something about leftover holiday candy that somehow makes it taste better than regular candy?

— Kelly

Dear Hipster:

Is it true that Peeps can cure scurvy?

— Dale G.

Dear Hipster:

If, hypothetically speaking, I were to go out and purchase an obscene amount of obsolete, half-priced Easter candy from the local Rite Aid at any point during the week or so after Easter, would that make me more of a shrewd entrepreneur who knows how to buy the dip, or a sad glutton with a soon-to-be-defunct pancreas?

— Brad

Some people will tell you candy market timing is a myth, little more than a trick used by con artists to talk unsuspecting candy investors into liquidating their candy 401(k)s so they can buy into a “system” that doesn’t exist. These people clearly aren’t reading the right Reddits. If they were, they’d know the seasonal candy market goes through bull and bear cycles like any other market, and if you play it right you can be raking in that sweet, sweet candy like the candy wolf of candy Wall Street. But timing is everything. People who get in too early end up paying nearly full price for prime candies (basically anything Reese’s and maybe those caramel turtles), and the chumps who get in too late are stuck with leftover Smarties and gigantic buckets of seasonal Twizzlers. The smart candy shoppers — the ones who have been following the right threads all year and ignoring all the wrong tweets — get in there right at the point where you can get the good stuff at maximum markdown.

The art of post-holiday candy purchasing is, of course, not limited to Easter, unless you only want discount holiday candy in pastel-colored packaging, in which case Valentine’s Day and Halloween aren’t going to do it for you. Another big advantage to post-Easter candy liquidation is the relatively high ratio of Peeps to all other candy during the Easter season. Sure, there are “Peeps” for all seasons, but does anybody believe the lie that pumpkin Peeps and Santa Claus Peeps really count as Peeps when they obviously look nothing like little baby chickens? I, for one, take no solace in even Peeps bunnies, and they’re the most Easter-adjacent of the ersatz Peep varieties.

All of this is to say you should take no shame in gorging yourself on deeply discounted holiday candy. Post-holiday candy discounts give adults all kinds of marvelous excuses to indulge, from thrifty (“Well, it was only $3.99 for a short ton of tootsie rolls”) to ironic (“Normally I don’t go in for candy but I couldn’t resist a package of half-melted chocolate bunnies that look like extras from a 1980s horror flick”) and everything in between.

Furthermore, although Peeps cannot prevent scurvy because they contain zero vitamins, a package of peeps has about 1 gram of protein in it, so if you ate about 1000 peeps it would be roughly analogous to the protein intake you would get from eating one of those ultra-salty roast chickens from Costco. It’s probably a tossup which of those diets would kill you faster.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

The Decemberists 20th Anniversary Celebration, Bird Watching In & Around San Diego

Events April 25-April 28, 2021
Pumpkins don’t peep, chickens do.
Pumpkins don’t peep, chickens do.

Hipster:

Why do I feel compelled to purchase discount, post-Easter candy when I would never, under normal circumstances, purchase a giant bag of Kit Kats and mini-Snickers for myself? Is there something about leftover holiday candy that somehow makes it taste better than regular candy?

— Kelly

Dear Hipster:

Is it true that Peeps can cure scurvy?

— Dale G.

Dear Hipster:

If, hypothetically speaking, I were to go out and purchase an obscene amount of obsolete, half-priced Easter candy from the local Rite Aid at any point during the week or so after Easter, would that make me more of a shrewd entrepreneur who knows how to buy the dip, or a sad glutton with a soon-to-be-defunct pancreas?

— Brad

Some people will tell you candy market timing is a myth, little more than a trick used by con artists to talk unsuspecting candy investors into liquidating their candy 401(k)s so they can buy into a “system” that doesn’t exist. These people clearly aren’t reading the right Reddits. If they were, they’d know the seasonal candy market goes through bull and bear cycles like any other market, and if you play it right you can be raking in that sweet, sweet candy like the candy wolf of candy Wall Street. But timing is everything. People who get in too early end up paying nearly full price for prime candies (basically anything Reese’s and maybe those caramel turtles), and the chumps who get in too late are stuck with leftover Smarties and gigantic buckets of seasonal Twizzlers. The smart candy shoppers — the ones who have been following the right threads all year and ignoring all the wrong tweets — get in there right at the point where you can get the good stuff at maximum markdown.

The art of post-holiday candy purchasing is, of course, not limited to Easter, unless you only want discount holiday candy in pastel-colored packaging, in which case Valentine’s Day and Halloween aren’t going to do it for you. Another big advantage to post-Easter candy liquidation is the relatively high ratio of Peeps to all other candy during the Easter season. Sure, there are “Peeps” for all seasons, but does anybody believe the lie that pumpkin Peeps and Santa Claus Peeps really count as Peeps when they obviously look nothing like little baby chickens? I, for one, take no solace in even Peeps bunnies, and they’re the most Easter-adjacent of the ersatz Peep varieties.

All of this is to say you should take no shame in gorging yourself on deeply discounted holiday candy. Post-holiday candy discounts give adults all kinds of marvelous excuses to indulge, from thrifty (“Well, it was only $3.99 for a short ton of tootsie rolls”) to ironic (“Normally I don’t go in for candy but I couldn’t resist a package of half-melted chocolate bunnies that look like extras from a 1980s horror flick”) and everything in between.

Furthermore, although Peeps cannot prevent scurvy because they contain zero vitamins, a package of peeps has about 1 gram of protein in it, so if you ate about 1000 peeps it would be roughly analogous to the protein intake you would get from eating one of those ultra-salty roast chickens from Costco. It’s probably a tossup which of those diets would kill you faster.

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Tatis Jr. suffers “Jacob’s joint” injury as punishment for his anointing as Padres’ savior

Touched By An Angel
Next Article

From the mind of Luc Besson

District B13 introduced American audiences to parkour
Comments
0

Be the first to leave a comment.

Sign in to comment

Sign in

Art Reviews — W.S. Di Piero's eye on exhibits Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Best Buys — San Diego shopping Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits City Lights — News and politics Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Famous Former Neighbors — Next-door celebs Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town Here's the Deal — Chad Deal's watering holes Just Announced — The scoop on shows Letters — Our inbox [email protected] — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Of Note — Concert picks Out & About — What's Happening Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Pour Over — Grab a cup Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Sports — Athletics without gush Street Style — San Diego streets have style Suit Up — Fashion tips for dudes Theater Reviews — Local productions Theater antireviews — Narrow your search Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Waterfront — All things ocean Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close