4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Jay and Silent Bob’s earth shattering revelation

My favorite thing I can’t unlearn

Jay and Silent Bob: burger barons?
Jay and Silent Bob: burger barons?

Dear Hipster:

I’m depressed. Please cheer me up.

— Kaye

I’m going to assume you’re probably more displeased over the trillion trivial insults you might receive from life on any given day rather than actually depressed in a clinical sense. (In the latter case, case you ought to consult with somebody who can actually help with that.) Whenever I get down on life, I like to focus on the single stupidest piece of news I can possibly find. Nothing soothes the soul quite like discovering something that somehow makes you dumber when you learn it, which is definitely not how knowledge is supposed to work. This week, like every other week, offers up plenty of gems, but I think my favorite thing I can’t unlearn is the earth shattering revelation that Jay and Silent Bob Reboot director Kevin Smith’s movie-themed burger pop-up venture is coming to Phoenix, Arizona. Yes. That’s right. We’re living in a world where the news features fearful mutterings of civil war and press releases related to limited-duration fast food pop-up events at the same time. Soak it all in as you sink into the blissfully ironic bubble bath of 21st-century life.

If you know at least one or two things about the basic geography of the United States west of the Mississippi River, you may have heard that Phoenix is close enough to San Diego that you could drive there if you wanted to. Not that you should.

It’s not that B movie-inspired fast food pop-ups are one of the goofiest publicity stunts ever invented. If you don’t know the Hipster is a staunch advocate of ridiculous wastes of human effort and ingenuity in the name of quirkiness, you haven’t been paying attention. Far from being poor in concept, the problem with trying to recreate the fake foods of the page, stage, and screen is that you can never equal the imaginary deliciousness of imaginary food.

Imaginary food is so intoxicatingly delicious that it can physically lift people and talking animals off their feet, levitating them through the air along translucent rivers of smell. It’s possible to eat an imaginary blueberry pie by carefully removing a single, perfectly triangular slice and then unceremoniously eating the rest of the pie in one gluttonous bite. You’ve had lasagna before, right? Lasagna’s great, and you may really love lasagna; but even if it’s your favorite food, you will never feel about lasagna the way Garfield feels about lasagna.

I realize this may be an unpopular opinion. After all, many theme park experiences strive to recreate imaginary food for the benefit of overpaying fans. But these efforts are all doomed to failure, because there can be no burger as delicious as an actual Krabby Patty would have to be, with or without the undersea cheese. Imaginary foods are special because, not being limited to the finite number of physical and chemical reactions that create what we know as “flavor,” it’s possible to imagine them as impossibly scrumptious. That’s a standard no chef can ever meet, no matter how talented, which is why you shouldn’t drive to Phoenix for a vaguely Jay and Silent Bob-themed burger (or for any other reason because, per Peggy Hill, Phoenix is a monument to man’s arrogance). But you should have a good laugh over the fact this is even a problem in the first place.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

Reelin’ in the Years: footage fetish

The Coda Collection on Amazon Prime features Reelin’-curated content
Jay and Silent Bob: burger barons?
Jay and Silent Bob: burger barons?

Dear Hipster:

I’m depressed. Please cheer me up.

— Kaye

I’m going to assume you’re probably more displeased over the trillion trivial insults you might receive from life on any given day rather than actually depressed in a clinical sense. (In the latter case, case you ought to consult with somebody who can actually help with that.) Whenever I get down on life, I like to focus on the single stupidest piece of news I can possibly find. Nothing soothes the soul quite like discovering something that somehow makes you dumber when you learn it, which is definitely not how knowledge is supposed to work. This week, like every other week, offers up plenty of gems, but I think my favorite thing I can’t unlearn is the earth shattering revelation that Jay and Silent Bob Reboot director Kevin Smith’s movie-themed burger pop-up venture is coming to Phoenix, Arizona. Yes. That’s right. We’re living in a world where the news features fearful mutterings of civil war and press releases related to limited-duration fast food pop-up events at the same time. Soak it all in as you sink into the blissfully ironic bubble bath of 21st-century life.

If you know at least one or two things about the basic geography of the United States west of the Mississippi River, you may have heard that Phoenix is close enough to San Diego that you could drive there if you wanted to. Not that you should.

It’s not that B movie-inspired fast food pop-ups are one of the goofiest publicity stunts ever invented. If you don’t know the Hipster is a staunch advocate of ridiculous wastes of human effort and ingenuity in the name of quirkiness, you haven’t been paying attention. Far from being poor in concept, the problem with trying to recreate the fake foods of the page, stage, and screen is that you can never equal the imaginary deliciousness of imaginary food.

Imaginary food is so intoxicatingly delicious that it can physically lift people and talking animals off their feet, levitating them through the air along translucent rivers of smell. It’s possible to eat an imaginary blueberry pie by carefully removing a single, perfectly triangular slice and then unceremoniously eating the rest of the pie in one gluttonous bite. You’ve had lasagna before, right? Lasagna’s great, and you may really love lasagna; but even if it’s your favorite food, you will never feel about lasagna the way Garfield feels about lasagna.

I realize this may be an unpopular opinion. After all, many theme park experiences strive to recreate imaginary food for the benefit of overpaying fans. But these efforts are all doomed to failure, because there can be no burger as delicious as an actual Krabby Patty would have to be, with or without the undersea cheese. Imaginary foods are special because, not being limited to the finite number of physical and chemical reactions that create what we know as “flavor,” it’s possible to imagine them as impossibly scrumptious. That’s a standard no chef can ever meet, no matter how talented, which is why you shouldn’t drive to Phoenix for a vaguely Jay and Silent Bob-themed burger (or for any other reason because, per Peggy Hill, Phoenix is a monument to man’s arrogance). But you should have a good laugh over the fact this is even a problem in the first place.

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

PB Antifa events dissected

School janitor calls out San Diego teachers and bureaucrats
Next Article

The First Free Methodist Church of Escondido

We’ve been here for over a hundred years
Comments
0

Be the first to leave a comment.

Sign in to comment

Sign in

Art Reviews — W.S. Di Piero's eye on exhibits Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Best Buys — San Diego shopping Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits City Lights — News and politics Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Famous Former Neighbors — Next-door celebs Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town Here's the Deal — Chad Deal's watering holes Just Announced — The scoop on shows Letters — Our inbox [email protected] — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Of Note — Concert picks Out & About — What's Happening Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Pour Over — Grab a cup Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Set 'em Up Joe — Bartenders' drink recipes Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Sports — Athletics without gush Street Style — San Diego streets have style Suit Up — Fashion tips for dudes Theater Reviews — Local productions Theater antireviews — Narrow your search Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Waterfront — All things ocean Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close