Almost Factual News Entries for July, 2013


Dinosaur rampages through downtown San Diego, killing dozens

Emergency SWAT team unable to respond to threat of hungry Tyrannosaur: "Under current Strong Mayor guidelines, we have to await the mayor's green light before taking action, and he just wasn't reachable during his counseling."

Distraught dad of digested daughter: "I certainly hope Mayor Filner's behavioral therapy sessions prove fruitful and he returns to work ...

Emperor Tibobius in exile

Debauched monarch vows to return "a better man, a better ruler, and most importantly, a better lover. When I come back, I'll be so smooth that they won't even know they were harassed."

Pictured: Tibobius in his island retreat, preparing to receive instruction that will improve his game. Neil Strauss, noted author of ...

God Himself attempts to prevent Mayor Filner from taking leave of office

Microphone failure clear indication of Divine Will

"Lord, let your public servant go in peace..."

Jan Goldsmith's "Hair": "Bob Filner sexually harassed me."

Sentient symbiotic organism breaks silence, comes forward with story of "inappropriate touching" and "degrading comments."

"Of course, I realized that my testimony would likely be seen as suspect, given my close relationship with City Attorney ...

NBC 7 Microphone: "Bob Filner sexually harassed me."

Normally inanimate object comes forward with story of Mayoral misbehavior

Gloria Allred: "Bob Filner sexually harassed me."

Attorney for woman bringing sexual harassment suit against Bob Filner comes forward with story of her own.

This is getting ridiculous. "As I made clear in my initial press conference," says Gloria Allred, attorney for Irene McCormack ...

Mayor Filner responds to Taylor Baldwin's on-air claim, "He made me feel cheap."

"I need help. I make terrible jokes all the time."

On July 14, the Reader's website published a transcribed account of a UT-TV Prime Time with Taylor Baldwin segment in ...

New UC head Janet Napolitano: "I believe the children are the future... of homeland security."

Former Secretary of Homeland Security makes first statement since confirmation as new head of UC system

"Who knows which young person at a UC school might be working on the next PRISM right now? I sure ...

Faulconer and Gloria visit Fantasy Island

Did we say visit? Hell, they run the place!

Papa Doug Manchester buys Playboy Enterprises for $400 million

Papa Doug: "Hugh who?"

Local mogul indulges fondness for failing print media properties, also promises string of Playboy hotels nationwide. "I showed up ...

Mencken for Mayor

The Mayor San Diego deserves. A Mayor you can believe in. A Mayor who is not afraid to tell the truth, even if he has to make stuff up to do it.

Not to be outdone by Jersey Joe's, San Diego's New York Giant Slice Pizza offers "hot lesbian action" via restaurant's webcam

"You can watch Jersey Joe jerk it, or you can see something you actually wanna see."

Jersey Joe, owner of Jersey Joe's Pizza in the College area, was recently caught masturbating in the kitchen of his ...

WWE superstar James Storm distances himself from Filner Headlock

"I'm all about using the Mayor's signature headlock to humiliate the opposition," says Storm, "but Filner was using it on his own team. That's cold."

Mayor's Office flooded with panties

Outraged opponents mail over 3000 pairs of ladies' undergarments to Mayor in response to Irene McCormack Jackson's allegation that he suggested she work "without panties."

Faulconer: "There's a land called France, where the naked ladies dance..."

"...which is probably why Bob Filner took a trip there!"

"I mean, we don't know, because the Mayor isn't talking about it. But we're talking about it. Oh yes, we ...

Kevin Faulconer: "We can't run San Diego's government because we can't stop thinking about Bob Filner's sexual hijinks."

"Who gives a crap about roads and water and garbage like that when there are groped breasts and tongued throats to be considered?"

PRESS CONFERENCE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW - "Our taxpayers deserve a City Council that can do its work without having to ...

Comic-Con 2013 hires Nerd Herders to keep crowds moving smoothly

Convention organizers: "We must never have a repeat of 2012's Saturday Stampede. These seemingly harmless creatures can turn deadly under the wrong conditions."


In wake of allegations, local strip club begins offering "Filner dance"

"Of course, here at Cheetah's Totally Nude, we do better because we work without panties on, just like the Mayor said."

As details from the sexual harassment allegations against Mayor Bob Filner continue to spill out, at least one local business ...

NYC Mayoral Candidate Anthony Weiner: "Bob Filner is a model mayor."

Former Democratic Congressman, disgraced after sending explicit text pics, says he regrets resigning in 2011, praises Filner's "firm grip" on his office. "Looking back," says Weiner, "I can see that my resignation was a selfish act. I was embarrassed and ashamed ...

In latest glitch, Apple Maps labels San Diego "Groperville"

Apple blames latest mistake on faulty map app's interactivity with Apple iNews app San Diego's downtown - that's the train station in the lower left quadrant - clearly mislabeled. Apple CEO Tim ...

Filner scandal makes cover of national magazine

"Quite frankly, we find the resemblance a bit uncanny." Alfred E. who, man?

As Democratic support wavers, Bill Clinton sends Bob Filner "Hang in There!" card

"This lil' pussy just won't quit, and neither should you!" reads former President's inscription Still no word, however, from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton

U-T San Diego issues apology for Filner typo

These things happen

Statement from U-T San Diego Chief Copyeditor Ti Po: "U-T San Diego remains committed to quality, objective journalism. Sexual harassment ...

Mayor's former Transparency Czar repeats murky call for his resignation

"Saying 'sorry' isn't enough," said Donafria at a press conference today in which she repeated her call for the Mayor ...

In wake of scandal, Mayor Filner to propose new Weak Mayor guidelines

The power of Strong Mayor is simply too much for some men.

Yesterday, Emperor, er, Mayor Filner issued a video apology to the City of San Diego for his "inappropriate and wrong" ...

The unkindest cut

Emperor Filner's beloved First Lady of San Diego deserts him, citing "devolvement in personal relationship" and "knowing which way the wind is blowing."

First picture of City Hall debauchery emerges

Warning: not for the squeamish.

The following photo was delivered to the offices of SD on the QT by a man who would identify himself ...

Bob on the Throne, meet Jack in the Box

Local fast-food exec vows to remodel North Park restaurant without "traveling down the Sunroad and dropping off a sack of cash at the foot of Filner's latest pet project." A photo sent from Mr. Box's office to Mr. Filner's office and later obtained by SD on the QT ...

Emperor Tibobius accused of sexual debauchery by members of ruling class

Former Member of the High Council Donafria turns on former ally against the Development Hordes that have so long despoiled our peace, calls for his removal.

The scene, as recounted by Donafria in her impassioned speech just before taking her own life on the floor of ...

Police investigating mysterious disappearance of Padres President/CEO Tom Garfinkel

"One day, they announce his resignation, and the next, he's gone - poof."

Was struggling exec sacrificed to the baseball gods? "Look," said Padres Executive Chairman Ron Fowler, who took over Garfinkel's post ...

Did Emperor Filnero purge staff of disloyal traitors?

Former Deputy Chief of Staff Allen Jones dies shortly after consuming "foraged mushroom tart" at The Linkery. Filnero: "You want humiliation? I crucified St. Peter upside down!" Emperor Filnero's longtime aide and counsel Allen Jones died ...

Emperor Bobigula appoints his horse as new communications director

In wake of Irene McCormack's resignation, Mayor-turned-Emperor appoints someone he can trust to deliver his messages to the masses. A Sunroad for the Sun God - when you think about it, it's only fitting. First statement from Communications ...

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