Various Authors 6 a.m., May 29
Did Emperor Filnero purge staff of disloyal traitors?
Former Deputy Chief of Staff Allen Jones dies shortly after consuming "foraged mushroom tart" at The Linkery.
Filnero: "You want humiliation? I crucified St. Peter upside down!"
Emperor Filnero's longtime aide and counsel Allen Jones died just days after resigning his post over charges of "ritual humiliation" perpetrated by Filnero on his staff, SD on the QT has learned. Though his death was not announced until today, he perished on June 23, just hours after consuming a (presumably poisonous) mushroom tart at local food mecca The Linkery.
Filnero's office has released a statement on the matter: "His Radiance Filnero was, of course, in France at the time of Jones' unfortunate demise, addressing the matter of rebellion in the Middle-Eastern provinces of his Empire (aka The Grand Assembly of the Iranian Resistance). So of course, he could have had nothing to do with the poisoning. Of course, it is not impossible that some noble soul still loyal to Filnero decided on his own to act against the foul traitor Jones. Such is the love that the people bear their Emperor. Let all take heed."
In a possibly related item, The Linkery abruptly announced its imminent closure last night. Ownership cited the need to move on, preferably to a country without extradition.
More like this:
- Emperor Elagabobus announces plan to celebrate final week in office with nonstop orgy — Aug. 23, 2013
- Sunroad developer announces plan to name 9-foot Centrum Park easement "Filner Alley" — Aug. 23, 2013
- In wake of scandal, Mayor Filner to propose new Weak Mayor guidelines — July 12, 2013
- Emperor Bobigula appoints his horse as new communications director — July 2, 2013
- New releases opening this week — March 8, 2013