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"On the last day of the month named for the great Emperor Augustus, at five hours past the sun's climax in the sky, I shall light my own funeral pyre and be burned alive," said Emperor Elagabobus, a man said to be the most decadent of all the Emperors ever to rule over San Diego. "The people have become a lynch mob, but I shall show them something that their sad little imaginations could not even conceive. They shall not kill me. I shall kill myself. They shall not hang me from a tree. I shall send myself to heaven, rising with the flames even as they consume my mortal form."

In the meantime, Elagabobus plans a no-gropes-barred orgy, to be conducted at City Hall during regular business hours. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" he said.

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