It's "bash DeNiro Friday" at

This is not the celluloid Visine needed to cleanse my eyes of the retinae-burning The Family. This is a joke, right, Bobby D? You can't be doing it for the green. Stallone is happy to devour any piece of meat …

I can remember when people read books instead of stealing them.

No, it doesn't look great, but everybody loves Kurt Russell, right? All I know is, I've been away from this blog for a while - the doctors say the scarring should be minimal, thanks for asking - and I need …

When was the last time Woody Allen acted in a film that he didn't direct? If you guessed Antz (like me), than we'd both be wrong. Did Alfonso Arau's Picking Up the Pieces even receive a theatrical release? According to …

Wow. I've seen the film, and lemme tell you, Denzel does not ask his boss in the interrogation room, "Did you know he was special forces?" It's one thing when the trailer gives you a scene that didn't make it …

Ask Paul Schrader a question. Details inside.

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jul/30/50318/ Paul Schrader has a new film opening and guess who snared an interview? That's right: Lickona! No offense, but that'll be the day! During the production, the tabloids made much ado about The Canyons. Schrader did not write the …

Now that's structure.

Okay, it's not out until tomorrow, but I really really like the device in Frances Ha of having addresses serve as chapter headings, especially when your film is set in New York City. Still, I'm not sure that even that …

Brilliant. Mean, but brilliant.

Okay, so that was awful. That's understood. But there's a special evil to the awfulness. Because even though the trailer is barely over a minute long, it still manages to insult each and every one of its Academy Award-winning leads …

Okay, so everyone's excited for this, because deep down inside, everyone is still an eight-year-old boy. Except, maybe, you know, the girls. But they'll go with their boyfriends, just like they used to go to the arcade with their boyfriends …

Fight heterophobia!

You know, "fear of the different." Because if a super-dude saved my son from a bus that was sinking into the water, I know I'd be pretty angry. Because the dude was super. How dare he? Wait, what? I dunno, …

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/apr/03/43107/ Television's last great gasp of inventiveness came when Kermit 'Mr. Blooper' Schaefer passed the boner baton to Dick Clark. Forget about balls dropping or kids dancing on the bandstand; Dick Clark's greatest contribution to American culture was the recycling …

I'm such a purist that the thought of watching even so much as a trailer on my computer is hateful. As much as I love the damn things, critics seldom see coming attractions before press screenings. Fortunately, I attend enough …

I mean, the name of the song is "Thrift Shop."

So there's a red-band trailer for Michael Bay's bodybuilding caper movie Pain & Gain. I can't embed it because I'm an idiot, but it's over here. The main thing is that the trailer uses Macklemore's earworm "Thrift Shop," a song …

Haven't seen this one yet, but there are some genuine chills in the trailer. Children who don't come home for family gatherings because they're playing video games with their friends. Is it at all surprising that the trouble starts here? …

How many acts of cinematic theft can you pack into one trailer?

Let's take a look! Beloved super-dude appears before huge crowd of adoring fans and kisses a baby. Wow, haven't seen that since Megamind! http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/feb/15/40221/ http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/feb/15/40220/ Oh, look: it turns out that we've got all this really cool technology, not because …

I don't think they're even trying any more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=a8DjuGlVknQ Just. Wow. What is the sound of one film pandering? Let's begin. Vince Vaughn is 42. Owen Wilson is 44. But for the sake of The Internship, they might as well be a couple of Foxy Grampas, looking to …

Some crucial omissions!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lx-mUxk82B4 I mean, yeah, 3D dogfights are probably cool, but we all know why everybody's going, right? 3D Buns! http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/feb/06/39648/ 3D Volleyball! http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/feb/06/39649/ http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/feb/06/39650/ And 3D tongues! http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/feb/06/39651/ I mean, really. Don't make me do your job, people.

Not to be confused withe Day of the Jackal or Day of the Triffids.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8Iig7KChzY This film got made in 2011, but for whatever reason, it's coming out here in 2013. The premise isn't terrible - the discovery of oil in the Middle East ignites old tensions between Arab tribes, and forces traditional peoples …

The interesting thing is, the actual film is not nearly as cliched as the trailer.

Seriuosly, Scott liked it quite a bit. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDiaXZiIJOQ But still. Let the cliched bodies hit the floor. http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jan/30/39273/ "My partner was clipped." (I got yer complex motivation right here.) http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jan/30/39274/ "You gave me your word. You're getting out of that …

BEHOLD THE NEW FACE OF TERROR!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwx1f0kyNwI If there's one thing the remake of Red Dawn taught us, it's that we cannot afford to underestimate the threat posed by NORTH KOREA. I know, I know - we've spent the past decade fighting wars in Iraq and …

The most iconic American cinema image you'll see this year? The most iconic American cinema image you'll see this year.

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2013/jan/17/38564/ Sigh. Full trailer here.