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RECONSIDERING OUR ORDER, BROCKTON VILLA, LA JOLLA - "It started with the seals," recalls Eloise McKinley-Braeburton, who famously spearheaded the La Jolla Women's Club effort to have Children's Beach renamed Sealshit Cove "in the interest of truth, justice, and who knows, maybe even civic action on the part of America's Finest Shitty. Sorry - 'city.'"

But of course, notes McKinley-Braeburton, "as that horrid children's book that seems so popular with today's toddler set reminds us, everybody poops. And since everybody seems to be welcome along the shores of La Jolla Cove these days, that means that the seals aren't the only ones, how do you say it, 'stinking up the joint.'"

The new culprits are the many birds that alight and then eliminate on the rocky outcrappings that make La Jolla Cove an otherwise attractive tourist destination. "The very idea that there should be some sort of legal stink about cleaning up this mess is a crock of shit," complains McKinley Braeburton. "I've read that there are multiple layers of regulations through which our duly elected pooplic officials have to dig before action can be taken. Well, the La Jolla Women's Club is also digging through multiple layers, if you take my meaning, and we have had quite enough. Area of Biological Significance, indeed."

To that end, she and her allies have formed POOP, which stands for Prohibit Ornithological Olfactory Punishments. "POOP," she explains, "is presenting POOP [the Public Outhouse Outlaw Proposal] to the City Council on Monday. And if we cannot get satisfaction and relief, we will consider partnering with the decidedly less dignified activist group POOP [People Outraged Over Poop], which subscribes to a policy of POOPSEA [Pelicans and Ospreys are Over-Populated, Shoot 'Em All]. It's a drastic option, but I mean, really. My grand-nephew Warwick Throckmorton III just paid $2.3 million for a home overlooking the Cove, and he hasn't been able to open the windows for a month now. Oh, my goodness - you see how upset I am? I've gone and mentioned money!"

McKinley-Braeburton is not without her opponents, however. The same people who fought her on GROSS, the General Referendum On Seal Shit, are reportedly getting ready to drop a counter-proposal, known as POOPS [Protect Our Outdoor Poop Sanctuaries].


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Javajoe25 Nov. 29, 2012 @ 5:40 p.m.

These groups are wasting their time. If anyone wants to know what is really behind the stink at La Jolla, they should contact Concerned Residents About Poop (CRAP). This organization is determined to get to the bottom of this mess. They have worked for years in partnership with Tenacious Underdogs for Rectal Dynamics (TURD) to see that the assets and the interests of La Jolla wildlife are not overlooked or stepped on.

Many of the frequent and fragrant issues raised by the townsfolk carry a whiff of what some are calling poopie-envy. Some have even gone so far as to claim the real issue at La Jolla is not the stink coming from the cove, but the unmistakable odor of aged silicone coming from the hotels, mini-mansions and overpriced cottages occupied by the village residents.The entire matter is being investigated by the Americans Nauseated but United by the Stink (ANUS). A full report is expected soon.


Walter Mencken Nov. 29, 2012 @ 6:37 p.m.

I bow to your superior investigative skills.


Javajoe25 Nov. 29, 2012 @ 8:54 p.m.

It is I who should bow to you, Mr. Mencken;

I may occasionally unearth a real stinker of a story, but it is you who consistently inform all of our senses.

As always, I look forward to your next factual report.


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