Jay Allen Sanford 7 p.m., March 29
La Jolla: Sun, Sand, Surf, and Sh*t
"Look at them," says La Jolla matron Eloise McKinley-Braeburton with disgust as she gazes down at the seals basking on the sand at La Jolla Cove. "Lying there on the beach like...well, like fat pieces of shit."
The profanity is more than a little surprising to hear from the lips of such an august and refined personage as McKinley-Braeburton. But not any more surprising, perhaps, than strolling along one of California's most striking stretches of coastline, only to find yourself gagging on the stench of seal poop. Which explains why McKinley-Braeburton and her coterie of bluebloods from the La Jolla Women's Club have launched a campaign to have the La Jolla Children's Pool formally renamed Sealshit Cove.
"This farce has gone on long enough," says McKinley-Braeburton. "My great-grand-nephew Warwick Throckmorton IV is ten months old, and he doesn't smell this bad even after soiling himself in the ball-pit at the McDonald's restaurant play-land. Calling it a Children's Pool is, at this point, an insult to children everywhere. It is our fond hope that the new name will prove alarming enough to rouse this community into something approximating action."
Critics of the measure claim that "something approximating action" is already taking place, in the form of an odor-stopping chemical mist being wafted over the area every night. McKinley-Braeburton, grants that the mist - an entirely organic blend of probiotic agents and positive thoughts that help to break down the enormous mounds of excrement produced by the seals each day - is effective, but notes that it runs the city about $5,000 a day "for materials alone. That's money that could be more effectively spent on literally anything else. And besides, by four o' clock the following day, when we at the Women's Club like to take our post-afternoon tea constitutional, the seals have done yeoman work in repoopulating their nesting grounds."
Pacific Beach resident Andy Ferkis, visiting La Jolla for the day, said he supports the measure, but adds, "Well, they are La Jolla seals. Perhaps they think their shit doesn't stink."