James Michael Dorsey 6 a.m., July 31
Dueling poop groups
RECONSIDERING OUR ORDER, BROCKTON VILLA, LA JOLLA - "It started with the seals," recalls Eloise McKinley-Braeburton, who famously spearheaded the La Jolla Women's Club effort to have Children's Beach renamed Sealshit Cove "in the interest of truth, justice, and who knows, maybe even civic action on the part of America's Finest Shitty. Sorry - 'city.'"
But of course, notes McKinley-Braeburton, "as that horrid children's book that seems so popular with today's toddler set reminds us, everybody poops. And since everybody seems to be welcome along the shores of La Jolla Cove these days, that means that the seals aren't the only ones, how do you say it, 'stinking up the joint.'"
The new culprits are the many birds that alight and then eliminate on the rocky outcrappings that make La Jolla Cove an otherwise attractive tourist destination. "The very idea that there should be some sort of legal stink about cleaning up this mess is a crock of shit," complains McKinley Braeburton. "I've read that there are multiple layers of regulations through which our duly elected pooplic officials have to dig before action can be taken. Well, the La Jolla Women's Club is also digging through multiple layers, if you take my meaning, and we have had quite enough. Area of Biological Significance, indeed."
To that end, she and her allies have formed POOP, which stands for Prohibit Ornithological Olfactory Punishments. "POOP," she explains, "is presenting POOP [the Public Outhouse Outlaw Proposal] to the City Council on Monday. And if we cannot get satisfaction and relief, we will consider partnering with the decidedly less dignified activist group POOP [People Outraged Over Poop], which subscribes to a policy of POOPSEA [Pelicans and Ospreys are Over-Populated, Shoot 'Em All]. It's a drastic option, but I mean, really. My grand-nephew Warwick Throckmorton III just paid $2.3 million for a home overlooking the Cove, and he hasn't been able to open the windows for a month now. Oh, my goodness - you see how upset I am? I've gone and mentioned money!"
McKinley-Braeburton is not without her opponents, however. The same people who fought her on GROSS, the General Referendum On Seal Shit, are reportedly getting ready to drop a counter-proposal, known as POOPS [Protect Our Outdoor Poop Sanctuaries].