Matthew Lickona 11:49 p.m., Dec. 10
Don't Touch that Dial!
La Jolla Citizen's Committee Mobilizes in Opposition to Restrictions on Energy Use
Spokesman: "The day I can't run my home ice-cream parlor, keep my 12,000-square-foot house at 66 degrees, and run the auto-chiller on my pool is the day the the terrorists win. I thought this was a free country."
RELAXING IN SOME RICH DUDE'S 55-DEGREE WINE CELLAR, LA JOLLA - As San Diego writhes in the grip of a brutal heat wave, City Officials have declared a Flex Alert with regard to power usage, asking citizens to set their thermostats at 78 degrees, and to avoid use of major appliances between the hours of 11 a.m. and 6 p.m. To some, it just seems like good civic sense, especially in light of San Onofre Generating Station's recent shutdown. But to the members of LOUCHE (La Jollans Outraged and Upset over Communistic Hoarding of Energy), it's an offense against not only American individualism, but the American dream itself.
The Supreme Court decision Planned Parenthood vs. Casey was crystal clear on this matter," says LOUCHE spokesman J. Twaddle McGoldfart. "The court ruled, 'At the heart of liberty is the right to define one’s own concept of existence, of meaning, of the universe, and of the mystery of human life.' And my concept of existence and meaning sure as hell doesn't include a 78-degree Master Suite and waiting until American Idol is on to have Consuela wash my clothes. Not everybody has a separate laundry wing, you know, and when the dryer starts to shimmy, I can hear it all the way in the TV room."
Continued McGoldfart, "Frankly, the only thing I find more oppressive than the blistering, unforgiving heat of the sun is a bunch of Socialist busybodies telling me what I can and cannot do in the privacy of my own home to ensure my own comfort and well-being. Next they'll be telling me to stop watering my Kentucky Bluegrass putting green six times a day."