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In the final series on my beard, I'm not going to talk about people like Osama, Hemmingway, and Lincoln -- that all had beards. I'm going to talk instead, about my heightened senses.

My night vision increased dramatically. I could hear high pitched noises that were driving me insane. I realized why dogs sniffed everything in sight. I even wanted to stick my bearded face out the car window at speeds of up to 90 mph.

The beard had possessed me. It had an uncontrollable grip on me.

As I was driving to visit my brother in Julian, I stopped on the side of the road. I was scratching my beard like a madman; I ripped off my shirt, with buttons flying everywhere, and ran into a canyon. I chased a gazelle 50 yards before tackling it, and devouring the thing (and wondering why people flock to Julian for the apple pie).

As I walked back to the car, dripping sweat and blood, and wiping dirt from my beard, thoughts of shaving entered my mind. I thought of Bob Geldoff in The Wall, shaving off his nipples in the bathroom. I would sooner do that, then touch my mane of redish brown beard hair.

Upon my return, I was drawn to the beach in Coronado. I jumped into the cold water, and came out with a 2-foot spotted bass between my teeth. Other fisherman looked at me -- were they impressed? Or did they think I was nuts?

All the stares. All the comments.

I ran to the middle of the Coronado Bridge. I let out a yelp, that sounded like a shrieking werewolf on a fullmoon. I then leaped off.

I woke up on the shore, spitting out water. I felt my face. It was smooth as a babies bottom. The beard was gone. I laughed giddily, like a man who just escaped an asylum.

I lay there, letting the sun bask my skin, like Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption, when he finally made his escape.

I walked barefoot to the nearest watering hole, dying of thurst. As I walk in, the bouncer asks to see my I.D. Hearing a bouncer say those words, to me...a man in his 30s...I cried. I dropped to my knees and balled my eyes out. My youthful face has been reclaimed.

The bouncer said, "We don't let crazies in here. You're 86'd."

I walked away with a smile on my face for the first time in months.

(note to self: next time, Google first to see if Gazelle are even indigenous to this country)

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Comments
14

Gazelles are found in Africa and Asia.

This beard could have its own horror film. Attack of the Beard, Beardo, That!, Growth That Time Forgot or Hair of Horrors.

Oct. 10, 2007

The Gazelle could have easily escaped from the San Diego Zoo or Wild Animal Park. It's been known to happen.

Goodbye Beard, it was a good run.

Oct. 10, 2007

Well, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was filmed in San Diego. The beard horror story, could be the next "great" horror film. Hey, towelheaded....I've heard "your people" complain about always being portrayed as terrorist in films. Well, us "bearded folk," are often appearing as homeless guys, or seriel killers, in movies. We should all protest together! Beard and all!!!

Oct. 10, 2007

You shoulda posted a picture. These blogs need illustrating.

Oct. 10, 2007

Well, there's a photo of me with Deep Purple singer Ian Gillan, in the music feature from last week. The beard was only a week and a half old then, though. Otherwise, the beard would've possessed me to jump onstage with Purple, and howl while they sang Hush. And probably take a guitar and solo!

I'll see if I can figure out how to throw one on here.

Oct. 10, 2007

Oooh cool nice photo and nice necklace. You look like Ringo Starr.

Oct. 11, 2007

For future ref. don't tell a guy he looks like Ringo. Paul, yes. Ringo, no. It's probably the equivalent of telling a woman she looks like Roseanne.

Oct. 12, 2007

Ringo Starr! Are you kidding?

Oct. 12, 2007

You're just jealous I didn't compare you to Freddie Mercury!

Oct. 12, 2007

I only look like Freddie Mercury if it's Halloween...and I'm wearing a Superman costume! I wish I had Mercurys voice. That cat could sing. I probably do, in the voice department, sound more like Ringo, unfortunately.

Oct. 12, 2007

I have been told I look like Freddie Mercury. I did not take it as a diss. For, I am the champion.

Oct. 12, 2007

A Champion with huge fangs, hmmm not sure what the ladies will think.

Oct. 12, 2007

Josh,

One "m" in Hemingway, but two in mine. ;)

Oct. 17, 2007

Hey Mike, nice to hear from ya. Well, I'll blame the spelling of your name, on me not remembering how to spell Papas name properly. I always remember the last thing I see, and seeing your name in the Reader, and never seeing Hemingway books anymore (not since they were forced upon us in high school), that's my excuse. And I'm sticking to it!

Oct. 22, 2007

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