John Calipari’s hair says, “I should be selling knife-sharpeners on TV.”
Players change teams. Teams change stadiums. Teams change cities. Owners die. Owners sell. Teams are named. Teams are renamed. No matter what the change, fans continue to hate. At some point in a fan’s life a hatred rises up against a special team. That hatred remains fresh regardless of time or place. During a fan’s lifetime that team will have a new owner(s), may play in a new city, likely play in a new stadium, and, absolutely, will no longer have a single player or coach who was on the roster when that fan’s hatred was rooted. No matter, hate renews and endures.
So, in no particular order, coupled with no empirical evidence, the Box offers a list of America’s most hated teams.
Alabama Crimson Tide football. Just the words get you going. The deification of Paul “Bear” Bryant. His memory will be exploited until the last dime is leached from the dumbest fans on Earth. The littering of campus with giant statues of dead football coaches. The nauseating “Rammer Jammer” cheer. Say the words, “Nick Saban” and feel your stomach turn. Nick Saban hired Lane Kiffin as his offensive coordinator. Say the words, “Lane Kiffin” and feel your stomach turn. Alabama plays in the SEC.
Duke Basketball. Sick of it. Sick of East Coast fawning media coverage. Dick Vitale. He didn’t go to Duke or coach Duke, but he’s always there when Duke is on TV. While we’re at it, how long are we going to put up with French sissy schools? The Duke Blue Devils. Think World War I. Think French Alpine light infantry battalion. Now think Chasseurs Alpins. I know this is a stretch, just one more. Think, les Diables Bleus. THAT is where Duke’s nickname came from. A damn World War I French army battalion.
Kentucky basketball. John Calipari’s hair says, “I should be selling knife-sharpeners on TV.” John Calipari’s mouth says, “We don’t just play college basketball, we are college basketball.” He might be right. According to collegespun.com, “Calipari is the only coach in NCAA history to have trips to the Final Four vacated at two different schools; UMass and Memphis...his Naismith Coach of the Year awards came in seasons that were later vacated by the NCAA.”
New England Patriots. Bill Belichick. Belichick’s news conferences. Spygate. Deflategate. Going for it on fourth down when his team is leading 49-7. Phony (but technically permissible), injury reports. Quarterback Brady lives in L.A., in a house with a moat around it. Although still hated by many, the Oakland Raiders have been so bad for so long, they’ve dropped out of Division I Hate. San Diego Chargers have been so mediocre for so long they are unable to generate the enthusiasm it takes to reach Division I Hate status. Same with the Padres. Seattle is getting there, but probably needs another year or two...if they keep winning.
But, good news, there is a West Coast team that has been reinstated to the highest level of fan hatred. Presenting the San Francisco 49ers of Santa Clara, led by 35-year-old rich kid Jed York. By the way, rich kid is not the owner, rich kid’s mother owns the franchise.
Future Bet: 2015 NFL Win Totals
York builds an ugly $1.3 billion stadium for Silicon Valley millionaires. Raises the price of a general ticket 40 percent. Stadium finished, he fires famously successful head coach Jim Harbaugh (four years, 44-19-1) and everybody else who called him by his first name. York hires last year’s defensive line coach as his new head coach. Defensive line coach has never been a head coach or offensive/defensive coordinator in college or the NFL.
LB Patrick Willis retires. LB Chris Borland retires. RB Frank Gore signs with Indianapolis. Colin Kaepernick was rumored to be trade bait. CB Chris Culiver signs with Washington. LG Mike Iupati signs with Arizona. WR Michael Crabtree signs with Oakland.
The Niners are projected to finish last in the NFC West. So, all this bloodletting is not about winning with class, not about wining at all, it’s about restocking the franchise with second-raters who will kiss rich kid’s ass.
Ex-Niners Frank Gore works out at Undisputed Boxing Gym. His trainer wrote a message to the 49ers on his Facebook page, “You deserve everything that’s coming your way.”
Finally, there are teams that are so hated, all you have to do is say their name: New York Yankees. Los Angeles Dodgers. Ohio State Buckeyes. Notre Dame football. USC football. L.A. Lakers. Any football team with the word “Florida” attached to it. The state of Rhode Island. “Jon” instead of “John.” Smelly people on buses. Brushing dead locusts off your SUV. Mouth noises. Mayonnaise. Deciding what’s for dinner. Be careful out there.