Dear Hipster:
What color did you see when you looked at #TheDress?
— Amanda

DJ:
I don’t care what science says. I don’t care if BuzzFeed and Wired tell me otherwise. The damn dress is white and gold!
— Andy

The only way I could be more over it would be to travel back in time, before anybody had ever heard of #TheDress, and warn my past self into being over it before I even knew what it was. In fact, only the risk of ending reality as we know it through some sort of devastating butterfly effect prevents me from hopping into my Hipster Time Machine (Google “Time Traveling Hipster” if you don’t believe me), turning the dial waaaaaaay back to three weeks ago, and having a little chat with February DJ to warn him that, no matter what the internet says, #TheDress is irrelevant and he ought to ignore it at all costs.

As far as this hipster’s concerned, this kind of poor man’s meme can only happen on a slow news day. There was really nothing else to talk about in the world? Nothing? It’s not like Leonard Nimoy died, Sarah Chalke joined the cast of 48 Hours ’Til Monday (maybe someone will actually watch it now!), or ISIS destroyed an Iraqi museum full of ancient artifacts.

Oh well, I suppose you can have whole years that are slow for music — I’m looking at you, 2012, giving Adele and Kanye those Grammys. For shame.

You can have slow movie years, too. Go go Gladiator for 2001, amiright?!

What’s a slow news week in the big scheme of things?

Besides, #TheDress is a lie.

Compare #TheDress side by side with any other photograph of the same garment. Don’t worry. They are legion. The “real” dress is obviously blue and black. My elementary Photoshop skills eyedropper colors #TheDress as a kind of ugly bluish-grey and a fermented brownish-gold, which is exactly the color I see when I look at it. Not white, and not blue. Just the color of the photograph, filtered and overexposed into an accidental optical illusion.