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Really, don’t ever Google “hyperdontia”

Teeth are naturally terrifying

Vintage teeth, because anything else would be too horrible.
Vintage teeth, because anything else would be too horrible.

Dear Hipster:
Why do so many people have nightmares in which their teeth fall out? Is it just one of life’s little mysteries or is there a very good reason?
— Ella, Hillcrest

Though it features prominently in the first verse of Phantogram’s recent single, “You Don’t Get Me High Anymore,” the infamous “falling-out-teeth dream” is only the second-most common recurring nightmare among hipsters. In the most widespread hipster nightmare, you’re hanging out with a group of your friends at a local third-wave coffee shop, and you mention an obscure French indie synth-pop group that you just discovered on YouTube. You say, “You probably haven’t heard of them yet,” but your friends all turn to you, and one by one they repeat that they were into it last year, but they’re over it now. Then, they go on at length about a grindcore outfit from Boise that you’ve never heard of.

You finish your Guatemalan pour-over in silence.

There must be something universal about the “falling teeth” dream, since so many report having it. Nightmares about teeth make sense, since teeth are naturally terrifying. If you don’t believe me that teeth are inherently horrific, Google image search “hyperdontia.” But, really, don’t ever Google “hyperdontia,” no matter how curious you are. It’s a bad idea. Like asking a dermatologist, “What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever seen?”

I like this. I’ll now be answering #lifeslittlemysteries. And, yes, you can tweet your queries to @sdreader if you’d rather.

Dear Hipster:
Should I ironically drink a cold can of warmed-over cat pee, I mean, America this summer because it’s so silly?
— Chad, Hillcrest

Go for it. While you’re at it, stick a Confederate flag on the back of your truck and get to hatin’ the gays. It’s all good. You’re doing it ironically, right?

False.

Irony, even seemingly harmless hipster irony, should serve a purpose, otherwise you’re just a pain. What will you prove by drinking beer you don’t like? I doubt it will be the burning indictment of working-class America’s dark side that you want it to be.

Instead, produce a YouTube video featuring folksy guitar music and a Good Ole Boy character who explains the America-ness of America beer: from its European ownership, down to the rice it’s brewed from, which I wouldn’t be surprised to discover growing in China.

Dear Hipster:
Is it okay that, as a grown man, I’m wandering around my neighborhood playing Pokémon GO?
— Matt

Would you ask me if it was okay that you watch Sportscenter every day? How about asking whether or not it’s okay to spend $20 on an Uber to take you and your adult friends to a new brewery where you can spend $8 on a glass of novelty beer?

Anyone who thinks there’s a substantive difference between playing little kids’ video games and myriad other, equally asinine (at least to some) ways in which we mature citizens of the modern world spend our leisure time reveals nothing but his biases. I could hardly condemn playing Pokémon GO players and praise those who spend inordinate amounts of time composing the perfect Instagrams in the same breath. That would just be, well, frankly, hipstercritical!

Just, please don’t play while you drive. There are hipsters on fixies everywhere, and we don’t wish to be squashed.

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Vintage teeth, because anything else would be too horrible.
Vintage teeth, because anything else would be too horrible.

Dear Hipster:
Why do so many people have nightmares in which their teeth fall out? Is it just one of life’s little mysteries or is there a very good reason?
— Ella, Hillcrest

Though it features prominently in the first verse of Phantogram’s recent single, “You Don’t Get Me High Anymore,” the infamous “falling-out-teeth dream” is only the second-most common recurring nightmare among hipsters. In the most widespread hipster nightmare, you’re hanging out with a group of your friends at a local third-wave coffee shop, and you mention an obscure French indie synth-pop group that you just discovered on YouTube. You say, “You probably haven’t heard of them yet,” but your friends all turn to you, and one by one they repeat that they were into it last year, but they’re over it now. Then, they go on at length about a grindcore outfit from Boise that you’ve never heard of.

You finish your Guatemalan pour-over in silence.

There must be something universal about the “falling teeth” dream, since so many report having it. Nightmares about teeth make sense, since teeth are naturally terrifying. If you don’t believe me that teeth are inherently horrific, Google image search “hyperdontia.” But, really, don’t ever Google “hyperdontia,” no matter how curious you are. It’s a bad idea. Like asking a dermatologist, “What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever seen?”

I like this. I’ll now be answering #lifeslittlemysteries. And, yes, you can tweet your queries to @sdreader if you’d rather.

Dear Hipster:
Should I ironically drink a cold can of warmed-over cat pee, I mean, America this summer because it’s so silly?
— Chad, Hillcrest

Go for it. While you’re at it, stick a Confederate flag on the back of your truck and get to hatin’ the gays. It’s all good. You’re doing it ironically, right?

False.

Irony, even seemingly harmless hipster irony, should serve a purpose, otherwise you’re just a pain. What will you prove by drinking beer you don’t like? I doubt it will be the burning indictment of working-class America’s dark side that you want it to be.

Instead, produce a YouTube video featuring folksy guitar music and a Good Ole Boy character who explains the America-ness of America beer: from its European ownership, down to the rice it’s brewed from, which I wouldn’t be surprised to discover growing in China.

Dear Hipster:
Is it okay that, as a grown man, I’m wandering around my neighborhood playing Pokémon GO?
— Matt

Would you ask me if it was okay that you watch Sportscenter every day? How about asking whether or not it’s okay to spend $20 on an Uber to take you and your adult friends to a new brewery where you can spend $8 on a glass of novelty beer?

Anyone who thinks there’s a substantive difference between playing little kids’ video games and myriad other, equally asinine (at least to some) ways in which we mature citizens of the modern world spend our leisure time reveals nothing but his biases. I could hardly condemn playing Pokémon GO players and praise those who spend inordinate amounts of time composing the perfect Instagrams in the same breath. That would just be, well, frankly, hipstercritical!

Just, please don’t play while you drive. There are hipsters on fixies everywhere, and we don’t wish to be squashed.

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4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
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