Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Sponge for knowledge of all things weird

“My pained expression has a lot to do with my exceedingly snug trousers.”
“My pained expression has a lot to do with my exceedingly snug trousers.”

Title: Creative Flow | Address: http://chelscreativ…">chelscreativeflow.t…

Author: Chelsea Louise | From: Imperial Beach | Blogging since: December 2012

Post Title: TMI = Trading Masturbatorial Inquiries

Post Date: December 18, 2012

Sponsored
Sponsored

I am a pretty open book. I’m spread-eagle when I write, because secretly I want people to know all my weird inklings. I write about a lot of superfluous mumbo-jumbo. It’s liberating, putting yourself out there and risking embarrassment. We only live so long and we all have a voice. I wish more people opened up, because I love taking a stroll down everyone’s crazy block. Sometimes we need to creep into some red-light district avenue of life, peering off peripherally at the scandalous silhouettes sticking their tongues out between their fingers.

It’s a rush being open to new experiences, good or bad. A cosmic bond — Taoist, Christian, atheist — an allegory of experiences is what I envision. I have been writing in my journals since Hooked on Phonics brain-washed my little feeble brain. I envisioned myself as a gentile Anne Frank. I’m not kidding. My first journal, the heading reads, “I hope to be like Anne Frank, and have people read of my ordeals.” Admittedly, I had a flair for drama, so these conceived ordeals are pretty exaggerated.

My biggest ordeal was wearing an overall-style dress, bending over in the cafeteria, and having everyone gawk at my Hanes Not-Her-Way wedgie. I don’t think my journals will be in the human archives, and my life was nothing close to escaping the Nazi regime. I was just a pro at embarrassing myself. I was like a drunken sailor walking down the hallway; I must’ve eaten shit on a daily basis. My equilibrium is pretty shitty, and I trip and fall a lot. This was the determining factor in my 86ing skirts in middle school. I don’t know how many people saw my ass, but that is the cross I must bare….

I have been laughed at a lot in my early years, so I wear humiliation like a Girl Scout badge. It’s a part of life — get over it! I don’t padlock my journals. They are a free-for-all for future historians. I know I will be in the annals of time as a freak, and that is all peachy keen with me. 

There’s no such thing as NORMAL. We all pretend to be normal, but pretending to be something we are not is a recipe for self-doubt and feels pretty shitty at the end of the day. For me, it’s easier to judge “normal” people than Freak-formers. More than meets the eye ! I spent a lot of years holding in my inner freak. When JTT was a prepubescent sex-god (that’s wrong), I was drooling over the bulge-tastic David Bowie from Labyrinth. When girls were collecting Barbies, I was obsessed with Trolls. I wasn’t even allowed to own a Barbie because I was known for tearing their heads off and poking my eyes with their dagger-like hands. Plus, there were the incessant questions I asked my debutante Grandma. “Why don’t they have a bagina or a noodle?”

I can also remember going to see The Lion King in theaters and yelling at the screen, “Where’s their penises?!” I was in time-out, I think, for all of 1994. I was just curious! I wanted to know! I really didn’t plan out the outcomes; I was all action and no theory. 

I was a sponge for knowledge of all things weird. I wasn’t interested in anything practical. That’s probably why I’m inept at all things logical. Whenever I play Trivial Pursuit, I win all the pink pie pieces. I rock at Rock ’n’ Roll Jeopardy. I probably could tell you every crazy, non-useful fact you could imagine. Like, why cats show their butts to humans. [Ed. note: it’s a form of greeting that indicates trust.]

Mind-blowing! Look out, Alex Trebek! I don’t mind being a loser as long as I’m free and no maniac villagers decide to come drag me out of my room, clad in my man-shirt and lady boxers, and burn me at the stake. If someone reads this and has a “me-too” reaction, then that makes all the difference. Freak nation unite!

The latest copy of the Reader

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Successor to Lillian Hellman and Carson McCullers

Crossword puzzles need headline
“My pained expression has a lot to do with my exceedingly snug trousers.”
“My pained expression has a lot to do with my exceedingly snug trousers.”

Title: Creative Flow | Address: http://chelscreativ…">chelscreativeflow.t…

Author: Chelsea Louise | From: Imperial Beach | Blogging since: December 2012

Post Title: TMI = Trading Masturbatorial Inquiries

Post Date: December 18, 2012

Sponsored
Sponsored

I am a pretty open book. I’m spread-eagle when I write, because secretly I want people to know all my weird inklings. I write about a lot of superfluous mumbo-jumbo. It’s liberating, putting yourself out there and risking embarrassment. We only live so long and we all have a voice. I wish more people opened up, because I love taking a stroll down everyone’s crazy block. Sometimes we need to creep into some red-light district avenue of life, peering off peripherally at the scandalous silhouettes sticking their tongues out between their fingers.

It’s a rush being open to new experiences, good or bad. A cosmic bond — Taoist, Christian, atheist — an allegory of experiences is what I envision. I have been writing in my journals since Hooked on Phonics brain-washed my little feeble brain. I envisioned myself as a gentile Anne Frank. I’m not kidding. My first journal, the heading reads, “I hope to be like Anne Frank, and have people read of my ordeals.” Admittedly, I had a flair for drama, so these conceived ordeals are pretty exaggerated.

My biggest ordeal was wearing an overall-style dress, bending over in the cafeteria, and having everyone gawk at my Hanes Not-Her-Way wedgie. I don’t think my journals will be in the human archives, and my life was nothing close to escaping the Nazi regime. I was just a pro at embarrassing myself. I was like a drunken sailor walking down the hallway; I must’ve eaten shit on a daily basis. My equilibrium is pretty shitty, and I trip and fall a lot. This was the determining factor in my 86ing skirts in middle school. I don’t know how many people saw my ass, but that is the cross I must bare….

I have been laughed at a lot in my early years, so I wear humiliation like a Girl Scout badge. It’s a part of life — get over it! I don’t padlock my journals. They are a free-for-all for future historians. I know I will be in the annals of time as a freak, and that is all peachy keen with me. 

There’s no such thing as NORMAL. We all pretend to be normal, but pretending to be something we are not is a recipe for self-doubt and feels pretty shitty at the end of the day. For me, it’s easier to judge “normal” people than Freak-formers. More than meets the eye ! I spent a lot of years holding in my inner freak. When JTT was a prepubescent sex-god (that’s wrong), I was drooling over the bulge-tastic David Bowie from Labyrinth. When girls were collecting Barbies, I was obsessed with Trolls. I wasn’t even allowed to own a Barbie because I was known for tearing their heads off and poking my eyes with their dagger-like hands. Plus, there were the incessant questions I asked my debutante Grandma. “Why don’t they have a bagina or a noodle?”

I can also remember going to see The Lion King in theaters and yelling at the screen, “Where’s their penises?!” I was in time-out, I think, for all of 1994. I was just curious! I wanted to know! I really didn’t plan out the outcomes; I was all action and no theory. 

I was a sponge for knowledge of all things weird. I wasn’t interested in anything practical. That’s probably why I’m inept at all things logical. Whenever I play Trivial Pursuit, I win all the pink pie pieces. I rock at Rock ’n’ Roll Jeopardy. I probably could tell you every crazy, non-useful fact you could imagine. Like, why cats show their butts to humans. [Ed. note: it’s a form of greeting that indicates trust.]

Mind-blowing! Look out, Alex Trebek! I don’t mind being a loser as long as I’m free and no maniac villagers decide to come drag me out of my room, clad in my man-shirt and lady boxers, and burn me at the stake. If someone reads this and has a “me-too” reaction, then that makes all the difference. Freak nation unite!

Comments
Sponsored

The latest copy of the Reader

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

San Diego Reader 2024 Holiday Guide – like none other

Candle-making, tree lighting, pajama jam
Next Article

O’side Tree Lighting & Gift Market, Holiday Lights at the Museum, The Elovaters and Little Stranger

Events December 5-December 6, 2024
Comments
Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

This Week’s Reader This Week’s Reader