Quantcast
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

The Reader's Eye on Television

This one time I took a pant-load of acid in a bar. Things started out slow; from the corner of my eye I caught a swirling pattern of white lights. Soon things progressed to a frightening dance of rolling, cycling, head-twisting mania, but I knew I was going to be okay as long as I had a glass of water in my hand. I was standing at the fire escape contemplating the line of ants with tiny angel wings marching around the doorframe when a beautiful woman asked if she could buy me a drink.

"Oh, honey," I said, and I set a sweaty palm on her shoulder. "I'm already assed-up enough. How about a glass of water?"

We followed the floating stewardesses that marked the path to the bar. A tall glass of water was set in front of me, and I looked into it to see that the ice was changing to marbles and back again. I thanked the bartender and the woman who offered me the drink, and I tipped it back to take a swig. What I got was a mouthful of gin and ice that spilled out from the glass around my mouth and dumped down my shirt.

I wiped my mouth and brushed at the little damp spots on my chest, and I realized my upper lip was wet again. I touched it and felt a drop. I felt another one on my forehead.

"Jesus," I said to the blonde lady who got me the gin. "It's raining in here."

"I'm sorry," she said and shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know..."

"Never mind," I told her. "I'm going to find an umbrella."

Across the dance floor I spotted a group of umbrellas. After I climbed up some steps, I was above the umbrellas and I was wiping the water off of them. One of the umbrellas had a television built into the top of it, and I wondered how its small wire frame could hold such a thing. I wiped at the screen and got as much of the water off the top of it as I could.

The TV turned up and faced me. It was a bald man's head, and through a scowl he said, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" That part was real. I didn't imagine it.

"Nothing," I said, and I took a drink from the glass of water I'd been sprinkling on him.

WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK

Thursday, April 20

Supernatural

WB 9:00 p.m. You know what I could use more of? Bigfoot. What I want to know is how are little Bigfeet made? You know what I mean. Mmm...hairy.

The Ultimate Fighter

SPIKE 10:00 p.m. I like Ultimate Fighter three more times than little white girls like Christmas.

Friday, April 21

Six Feet Under

HBO2 8:00 p.m. I want to meet Princess Diana. Like in one of those magical fairy-tale questions, "Who would you rather have sushi with, Gandhi or Abe Lincoln?" I'd choose pedicures with Lady Di, and while we were getting our tootsies tickled, I'd reach over and touch her nose and go, "Beep!" Because, y'know, how many people have ever honked a princess on the nose?

Saturday, April 22

Inside This Old House

AETV 10:00 a.m. Where do homeless people masturbate?

California's Golden Parks

KPBS 5:30 p.m. Some days I thank God I was born in California. I could've been born an Eskimo and spent my life crotch-deep in snow, working at the pie factory, sandwiching ice cream between two chocolate wafers.

Sunday, April 23

Date My Mom

MTV 6:30 p.m. Here's a dating tip I had to learn the hard way: keep your cake hole shut. If you go in for the first kiss and actually get it, don't pull back and in a shocked tone exclaim, "Grandma?!" You won't get extra points for being funny.

Monday, April 24

Cops

FX 1:30 p.m. All I'm saying, Officer, is if she didn't want to see a grown man naked, she shouldn't have been on a secluded jogging trail in the park and looked directly into my opened trench coat. I'm the one who's been violated here.

Tuesday, April 25

Teachers

NBC 9:30 p.m. This show's so stupid I had to wear a helmet the day after I watched it.

Wednesday, April 26

Nick Lachey Special

MTV 11:00 p.m. Ladies, you have something and we want it. You can keep us restrained for a while, mollify us with beer, pizza, and sports programs, but eventually we'll get that look in our eye, that wild-man need. If it comes down to it we'll demand you hand over the apricot face scrub. That stuff's like a little tub of magic for our skin!

Thursday, April 27

Everybody Loves Raymond

WB 11:30 p.m. There's quite a bit of anxiety associated with using a public restroom. Will the lock break free if someone jiggles the handle while I'm in here? Should I apologize to everyone in line behind me? These are the questions that the writers of this program should consider while they're brainstorming in their boardroom.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

Legacy International Center: the inverted cathedral

“Just as folks go to Sea World or the Zoo, it’s just another interesting item that they can come to.”
Next Article

Dead Cross cover Black Flag’s “Rise Above” in solidarity with Black Lives Matter

Jonny Tarr, Dead Cross, Electric Mud, Howard Blank’s Outsiders, Trees

This one time I took a pant-load of acid in a bar. Things started out slow; from the corner of my eye I caught a swirling pattern of white lights. Soon things progressed to a frightening dance of rolling, cycling, head-twisting mania, but I knew I was going to be okay as long as I had a glass of water in my hand. I was standing at the fire escape contemplating the line of ants with tiny angel wings marching around the doorframe when a beautiful woman asked if she could buy me a drink.

"Oh, honey," I said, and I set a sweaty palm on her shoulder. "I'm already assed-up enough. How about a glass of water?"

We followed the floating stewardesses that marked the path to the bar. A tall glass of water was set in front of me, and I looked into it to see that the ice was changing to marbles and back again. I thanked the bartender and the woman who offered me the drink, and I tipped it back to take a swig. What I got was a mouthful of gin and ice that spilled out from the glass around my mouth and dumped down my shirt.

I wiped my mouth and brushed at the little damp spots on my chest, and I realized my upper lip was wet again. I touched it and felt a drop. I felt another one on my forehead.

"Jesus," I said to the blonde lady who got me the gin. "It's raining in here."

"I'm sorry," she said and shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know..."

"Never mind," I told her. "I'm going to find an umbrella."

Across the dance floor I spotted a group of umbrellas. After I climbed up some steps, I was above the umbrellas and I was wiping the water off of them. One of the umbrellas had a television built into the top of it, and I wondered how its small wire frame could hold such a thing. I wiped at the screen and got as much of the water off the top of it as I could.

The TV turned up and faced me. It was a bald man's head, and through a scowl he said, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" That part was real. I didn't imagine it.

"Nothing," I said, and I took a drink from the glass of water I'd been sprinkling on him.

WHAT I WILL AND WON'T WATCH THIS WEEK

Thursday, April 20

Supernatural

WB 9:00 p.m. You know what I could use more of? Bigfoot. What I want to know is how are little Bigfeet made? You know what I mean. Mmm...hairy.

The Ultimate Fighter

SPIKE 10:00 p.m. I like Ultimate Fighter three more times than little white girls like Christmas.

Friday, April 21

Six Feet Under

HBO2 8:00 p.m. I want to meet Princess Diana. Like in one of those magical fairy-tale questions, "Who would you rather have sushi with, Gandhi or Abe Lincoln?" I'd choose pedicures with Lady Di, and while we were getting our tootsies tickled, I'd reach over and touch her nose and go, "Beep!" Because, y'know, how many people have ever honked a princess on the nose?

Saturday, April 22

Inside This Old House

AETV 10:00 a.m. Where do homeless people masturbate?

California's Golden Parks

KPBS 5:30 p.m. Some days I thank God I was born in California. I could've been born an Eskimo and spent my life crotch-deep in snow, working at the pie factory, sandwiching ice cream between two chocolate wafers.

Sunday, April 23

Date My Mom

MTV 6:30 p.m. Here's a dating tip I had to learn the hard way: keep your cake hole shut. If you go in for the first kiss and actually get it, don't pull back and in a shocked tone exclaim, "Grandma?!" You won't get extra points for being funny.

Monday, April 24

Cops

FX 1:30 p.m. All I'm saying, Officer, is if she didn't want to see a grown man naked, she shouldn't have been on a secluded jogging trail in the park and looked directly into my opened trench coat. I'm the one who's been violated here.

Tuesday, April 25

Teachers

NBC 9:30 p.m. This show's so stupid I had to wear a helmet the day after I watched it.

Wednesday, April 26

Nick Lachey Special

MTV 11:00 p.m. Ladies, you have something and we want it. You can keep us restrained for a while, mollify us with beer, pizza, and sports programs, but eventually we'll get that look in our eye, that wild-man need. If it comes down to it we'll demand you hand over the apricot face scrub. That stuff's like a little tub of magic for our skin!

Thursday, April 27

Everybody Loves Raymond

WB 11:30 p.m. There's quite a bit of anxiety associated with using a public restroom. Will the lock break free if someone jiggles the handle while I'm in here? Should I apologize to everyone in line behind me? These are the questions that the writers of this program should consider while they're brainstorming in their boardroom.

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Corbin’s Q’s Scrumptiously SLO barbecue

Dee-Lish. I mean, an exceptional combo of tastes.
Next Article

Mark Dresser’s musicianship cuts through it all

Long-time UCSD professor’s telematics trials
Comments
0

Be the first to leave a comment.

Sign in to comment

Sign in

Art Reviews — W.S. Di Piero's eye on exhibits Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Best Buys — San Diego shopping Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits City Lights — News and politics Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Famous Former Neighbors — Next-door celebs Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town Here's the Deal — Chad Deal's watering holes Just Announced — The scoop on shows Letters — Our inbox [email protected] — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Of Note — Concert picks Out & About — What's Happening Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Pour Over — Grab a cup Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer News — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Set 'em Up Joe — Bartenders' drink recipes Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Sports — Athletics without gush Street Style — San Diego streets have style Suit Up — Fashion tips for dudes Theater Reviews — Local productions Theater antireviews — Narrow your search Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Waterfront — All things ocean Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close