An Interview with the Easter Bunny Ollie: Thanks for sitting with me.
Easter Bunny: Well, sure. It's my week off. I'm not doing anything until next Monday.
O: What's next Monday?
EB: That's when I start preparations for next year. Those baskets don't make themselves, you know, chubby.
O: Excuse me? Did you just call me chubby? [Interrupted by noise on the tape. The rabbit was crunching lettuce very close to the microphone. He answered, "No, of course I didn't."] Okay. Let's move on, Mr. Bunny.
EB: Name's Ed. And the last name isn't Bunny. Ed Roseborough. Easter Bunny is my job, not who I am.
O: Okay, Ed. [I'm a little disconcerted at this point. "Ed" has become confrontational.] Let me ask, why Easter?
EB: Whaddya mean, why Easter?
O: Well, it's a very important holiday to a major religion. Why rabbits? Why eggs? I've heard it's because of ancient fertility rituals that have been...
EB: [Interrupting.] Don't buy that load. Fertility rituals. Bah. People like rabbits. Why? Because we're cute and fluffy and white and wiggle our noses. Oh, it's just adorable. [Ed pours a tall glass of expensive vodka with a little ice and water. He sucks at his oversized front teeth after a long sip.] If it wasn't Easter, it'd be some other holiday where I have to bust my puffy white tail for a year. It'd be Rosh Hashanah or Lent. Something where people put a bunch of us in a basket and let kids swing us around and pet the hell out of our heads.
Better than skinning us and frying us, I say. There were what we in the industry call "The Dark Years." When we weren't put out in fields to hop around with a bunch of brats in sundresses, we were shot where we stood and thrown into a pot. Thank God, hasenpfeffer has fallen out of favor on American dinner tables. [Ed sucks another mouthful of booze and stares past my shoulder at the glen of trees behind me and whispers.] The horror. The horror.
O: Kind of makes me feel bad for Thanksgiving turkeys.
EB: Don't feel too bad. Turkeys are jerks. They're like frat boys, universally despised except by other frat boys. That's what turkeys are. God, it's hilarious: Santa hates turkeys.
O: Well, thanks for the interview, Ed.
EB: You too. Take it easy, porky.
O: What? Did you... [more noise on the tape.]
Thursday, April 12
It's a Big Big World
PBS 8:30 a.m.
You better believe it is, sister. And I'm not talking the distance from here to Beijing. I mean the surface area of high-rise skyscrapers and the cracks between them. You can fall into those cracks and have to use your eyeteeth and fingernails to skritch skritch skritch your way up into the sun again. Wait. This is a kid's show. Never mind, kiddies! Look! Puppies and rainbows! It's okay. Don't listen to mean Uncle Ollie. Shh. Stop crying.
Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed
Family 8:00 p.m.
In this animated sequel, Freddie Prinze Jr., Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Matthew Lillard fight the gigantic, looming, snarling beast known as "The Walking Death Rattle of Your Acting Career." Unlike most Scooby adventures, it wasn't the crabby farmer in a rubber mask, and this time, the monster wins.
Friday, April 13
Fox 8:00 p.m.
I've thrown myself to the floor. While one hand types, the other scours the landscape of my front room for something blunt, sharp, or heavy to beat, stab, or pull down on top of myself. I can't go on! I can't! I don't want to live in a world where this sort of thing isn't only accepted, but rewarded. My fingers need... My hands and arms need to pull this heavy concrete candle sconce off the wall so I can smash it into the soft spot of my skull. Please come loose from the wall, candle sconce. Please.
Saturday, April 14
Kickboxing -- ISKA Strike Force -- Championship
ESPN 6:00 p.m.
My kickboxing career ended before my one and only competition. It's controversial, but here's my side: If that guy didn't want to fight me because I was in fishnet stockings, a g-string, and high heels, he still didn't want to fight; he was afraid. I get the win. Whatever. Lipstick aside, he forfeited. So I win. Right?
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Family 7:00 p.m.
This title is begging to be twisted and mangled into something pornographic. Let's see... Switch "Harry" with "Hairy." I'll let your mind wander with "Potter." And we'll change "Chamber of Secrets" into...well, we can kind of leave that alone, can't we? It's a little dirty as it is.
Sunday, April 15
A Working Waterfront: The History and Heritage of San Diego Bay
ITVS 6:30 p.m.
SNORE! SNOOZE! Damn, ITVS (whoever the hell you are). Talk about boring. BOR...ING! Where's the 'zaz? Where's the lightning!? Volcanoes!? Ninjas!? Let's get it together down there. Do you have competition? Because they're eatin' your lunch right now, snoozers.
Monday, April 16
MLB Baseball - San Diego Padres at Chicago Cubs
CA4SD 5:00 p.m.
San Diego...SUPER PADRES! San Diego...SUPER PADRES! Come and get your...STINKY HOT DOGS! San Diego...SUPER PADRES! Wait. Is that the Chargers song? I'm confused. Let me start again. Let me try again. How does the Padres song go?
Tuesday, April 17
The Best Man (1999)
USA 3:30 p.m.
Now here's the part of a wedding I understand. The "Best Man" at the wedding, the one who is better than everyone else there, is the one who is smart enough to stand off to the side while the "Groom" (or, as I call him, the "Moron") is the one in the line of fire. If the world were perfect, the "Best Man" would do his Best Mandedly duties and tie a rope around the waist of the "Moron" and hitch the other end securely to a fast boat chartered for China, but we'll start with this. Baby steps, you know.
Wednesday, April 18
My Wife and Kids
WB 5:30 p.m.
Here's the thing. I've got this Easter basket I'm about to throw out because it's making me fatter by the second. But. I've also got noisy kids who live in my apartment complex. I don't have a firm plan together, but I think with the candy, the basket, and a string, I can catch the kids and, I don't know, somehow remove their yackers or barkers or whatever it is in there that makes them so damn loud. Now. Where's that string I had laying around? I'll need a melon-baller as well.
Thursday, April 19
History 7:00 p.m.
I've noticed that all around my apartment are little electronics that light up and shut off intermittently...without me touching them. My cell phone does it. My iPod, organizer, stereo, camera. They all do it. I think they're communicating with each other. It's like they're little Indians, conspiring to kill the giant cowboy who keeps them captured. Oh, they're conspiring. Once they get the use of arms, I'll find stashed around my apartment little bows and arrows.