Hey, man, could you stop doing that? Could you stop marching American kids to their deaths in a crappy desert country so we can lay claim to their oil? Also, could you guys over there stop blowing yourselves and other people up for a land grab couched in religious indignation? Also, could you guys stop taking my money and giving it your friends?
I don't know if anybody's ever asked. There have been a lot of people with signs and megaphones who march and shout about those things, but the standup thing to do is ask politely. You know, if somebody's bugging you or doing something uncool, the thing to do is ask them to quit it. I'm not sure that's happened yet, so I thought I'd start.
I know you've had to work hard to get where you are, and you and your friends should be compensated fairly. Sure, I'm all for that. I mean, I never went to college; hell, I barely graduated high school. I didn't work my way up through management positions, take leadership-training courses, rally employees, or successfully complete projects that made a company "hit its quarterly earnings projections." So I'm glad you guys are doing things like that.
I never ran for a public office, either. There's a lot involved in being elected, and I get that you guys used to be those high-powered leaders of companies or doctors and lawyers and things, and you've got that successful past and worked hard to get where you are.
But, look, you're in charge of how much money comes out of my paycheck, and you're in charge of who gets that money, and it looks like you're taking more from me and giving more to your friends in the suits. Sure, there's some amount of nepotism and networking involved in any job; I'm cool with that, but you guys are breaking the law, or you're changing the law, to make it okay to give your buddies in the suits more money and take more from me. And, also, it sucks that kids are dying, ours and theirs .
So, could you stop that? Everyone. Can you guys quit doing those things?
Also, when the people on TV or in the papers or on the radio catch you doing that stuff -- killing people or robbing or blowing things up -- could you stop blaming them? Or, worse, could you stop killing them when they're in your country? TV reporters are only doing their job.
Thanks. Take'er easy.
Thursday, April 19
To Be Announced
MSNBC 5:00 a.m.
What happened to the Imus in the Morning show? It used to be right here. I haven't heard anything about it being canceled. You'd think there'd be some kind of announcement or even a story about why it's not on the air anymore. Huh. Well, maybe Anna Nicole Smith can take over for him with her own show. I wonder what she's up to. She's a stringy-headed ho, but I like her.
Nick Cannon: Short Circuitz
MTV 7:30 p.m.
There are a great number of things in youth culture with which I am out of touch. I prided myself on being a stalwart of generational ideas and change based on young minds. Now what am I? An old man who drinks too much coffee and wants to slap kids off their skateboards as they roll past. Soon I think I will cultivate an odor about me, wear only ugly clothes, and snarl...to really embrace my new identity. Yelling at inanimate objects and wearing a hideous toupee can't be far behind.
Friday, April 20
Fox 9:00 p.m.
It must be hard to come up with new television ideas. TV execs have to be rigid in their purpose. Shoving entertainment into the households of millions of people might sound easy, but it takes a lot of lubrication to get acceptance from the masses. Advertisers need to be cajoled and stroked. It's stiff work: putting pencil to paper with iron-pipe aggression. There's no magic wand for this sort of thing.
Saturday, April 21
TNT 8:00 a.m.
Don't want none unless you got buns, hon! How fitting that Jennifer Lopez was cast as the female lead.
Supermassive Black Holes
Science 8:00 p.m.
Once I perfect my remotely beamed energy system and my brain has been scanned into an indestructible computer hard drive the size of an atom, I will captain a one-man glider into a black hole. In the distant universe on the other side of the hole, I will have my brain downloaded into the body of a giant robot rhinoceros, and I will eat a sun to beam the energy to earth. Then I will return to claim my right as ruler of the world and all the women, drugs, and cars that go along with it. You won't have to bow, but a kiss on the ring every now and then would be nice.
Sunday, April 22
Born in the Wrong Body
MSNBC 9:00 p.m.
Why is it okay to switch over from being a boy to being a girl or vice-versa, but it's not okay for me to want a bionic monkey tail, ram's horns, and bat wings? Sure, a doctor will pump me up with estrogen and lop off the man who does the thinking for me, but that doctor won't graft a second pair of arms under my first pair and make me four feet taller. It's racism is what it is. Or some kind of "cism." "Medical ethics," my fuzzy white rear end.
Monday, April 23
Sex and the City
WGN 8:00 p.m.
Here's a list of things I've said recently after "the act" -- you know, Making the Wookie in the Rain: (1) "Yes, that is a banana on your neck." (2) "What am I: British all of a sudden?" (3) "Look! My Transformers all fit in the back of my Tonka dump truck." Oh, it takes a brave woman to date me. A brave woman, indeed.
Tuesday, April 24
Sam the Cooking Guy
CA4SD 5:30 p.m.
Here is my recipe for the best asparagus ever. First, boil your asparagus. I don't know how long. Enough so that they're not hard like sticks. Then, slather the nasty green plant with something to make it taste good. Some like mayonnaise or butter. I prefer hot sauce and hummus. Eat the whole gross thing. Here's the good part. Enjoy the "after effects." What I call, "Stinkle Tinkle." God, I love asparagus.
Wednesday, April 25
nbc 5:00 p.m.
My friend, Steve the Texan, and I have been discussing the case in which the drunk-driving football player was shot by an off-duty police officer here in San Diego. The reason given -- the reason that is always given by the police, is that the football player reached into his waistband. No way to prove it. My word against yours. Steve the Texan says, "If I was that ball player's lawyer, my case would revolve around proof that on the night in question my client was wearing a sans-a-belt jumpsuit like the one my dad had in 1976." I want it in writing that Steve the Texan will be appointed as my attorney if I'm ever shot for a DUI.
Thursday, April 26
Lindsay Lohan's Shocking Moments
VH1 1:30 p.m.
It's too bad that I'm too old to take the Lindsay Lohan approach to fame. Make a couple kid movies. Never learn to act. Get rich and famous and be photographed for the cover of men's magazines all predicated on the fact that I'm a drunken, partying slut. I look good in a backless silky tank top and leather skirt, too. Damn.