Mike Madriaga 11:30 a.m., June 18
100 Worst Album Covers of All Time
Where oh where to start - the guy's giant pointy elf shoes? The mysterious brown liquid seeping out from between the girl's legs and onto the floor? The Beep Beep poster with inexplicable ocean motif? The hemorroid donut mounted on a wall with garden trellis?
If Love Ain't Nothin' But a Business, guess who just declared bankruptcy?
Gene Simmons' Family Jewels - in an alternate HELL DIMENSION! Why do they make their women dress as couches that someone threw up on?
More creepy than mere words can accurately convey..."Ma, He's Making Eyes At Me...thanks a lot for dressing me like Barbie Benton and making me fellate this mic..."
"How'd you like a little taste of Devil's Food, baby?"
The Monkees really haven't aged well.
The true WTF here isn't the greasy suit or villainous 'stache - it's the tiny flagpoles with full-size flags that make him even more MONDO midget...
All the green grass in the world isn't gonna make this dork crew look any cooler - hey, in the lower right corner, isn't that "Newman" from Seinfeld?!
"Let's get that photo I took of the pervert stalker hiding in the bushes and make it our album cover...."
Sears must've been having a sale on those suits!
You laugh, but you should hear this soulful mama belting out "These Boots Were Made For Walking" and "Hard Day's Night"! You'll laugh even harder...
And this is AFTER he pimped his ride!
What makes this so WTF isn't the clothes - it's the medieval dungeon they look so comfortable in...
And OTHER skiing songs?!?!?! That first one killed the dude!!
Okay - so you're saying bongo players only date hookers?? Or that hookers prefer bongo players? And what's with the no-panties look (is that Britney's mom)? The whole thing seems geared for people who HATE beatniks.
Some "party" - I'd swear I saw a Hieronymus Bosch painting of Hell that looked just like below...
Oh yeah, these two kids TOTALLY rock. I can't imagine any teen wanting to be seen with such a dorky looking album, and what parent would ever buy this for their kids, when the music apparently makes their sons do the Riverdance and float away, while their daughters' shoes vanish and their dresses fly up? BTW, WTF is "FULL COLOR" high fidelity (unless yer on LSD)??
If you think about it, that's pretty impressive, to be able to hula-hoop with no hands AND no neck!!
Not sher why, but these two may be the scariest people I've ever seen...
'Kay, I'm down with rockabilly blasters 'bout sex, lust, fightin', Martians, more sex........but FROGS?!?!
First of all, being a "turntable slave" sounds more like a deviant sexual practice than something to brag about. Also, shouldn't "ZIP" appear in the spot where "ZAP" is placed?? Finally, if the best COVER rhymes this guy can come up with is "Zip Zap Rap" and "Devastatin' Dave/turntable slave," how good can his actual rapping be??
"I'm dreeeeeeeming of a piiiiiimp Christmas...." Man, back in the '70s they let anybody on TV make a music record! Scott Baio, John Travolta, Kristy McNichol, the Brady Bunch, Laverne and Shirley, Shatner, Spock..."Huggy Bear" was the colorful pimp on the Starskey & Hutch TV show. Seems a sure bet this one came out AFTER co-star David Soul had an actual hit record with "Don't Give Up On Us, Baby."
TV show themes were big in the '70s too, and many compilations came and went, but this one below has to be the worst cover of the lot. Nobody resembles the actual performers, except Farrah's hair - bionic Steve Austin looks like porn star John Holmes, Lamont Sanford has morphed into Jesse Jackson, and what the hell is Special Agent Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks doing on Hawaii 5-O?!
Uh, so you're saying this music makes cats scream?
Wow, how'd they get a picture of Shakira's feet???
Betcha didn't know that acid jazz artists cooked up their own acid?
WHAT is this a "Sound Track" TO?!
Doesn't look like SHE's enjoying the Sounds of sax..."No sax tonight, dear, I have a headache..."
A Christmas WTF - so much weirdness here, from the rubber chicken and sausages on the tree (?!) to kids' longjohn underwear serving as Xmas stockings, and the fact that Santa is climbing in-or-out of a European bathroom bidet!!
"An Ed Gein Xmas"?! NObody invites this guy over for the holidays any more.
And you thought those old Schoolhouse Rock cartoons were the birth of math rock --
Donny Osmond's uncirculated "Butcher cover" ----
Talk about shooting your mouth off!
I think this translates as "Mrs. Bigfoot."
The big WTF here isn't the phallic design, which is funny - rather, it's his SADDLE.
Homeless families need music too --
Judging by the huge erections on those horny trumpets , something's gonna pop, all right...
I frankly don't know WHAT's inside this duo, but I think the guy on the right is shooting dope into his neck with a hypodermic needle!
"A new concept of music, created by sonic vibrations" - too bad the cover looks like a cartoon took a dump on it --- I AM kinda curious about that tune "Twilight Ozone," tho ----
Wow, whoever named this album could see its future!!!
And you thought rappers loved stupid-looking "bling" - how "sophisticated" could this funkmeister have been, if the best chastity belt he could come up with was two elbow patches and a cheap hotel lock?
Played by "Mr. Bones and his Troupe" - uh, maybe he was actually dressed up as a wolfman???
Ahhhh, love at first fight...
Not JUST a spy - a HIPPY spy! A SUPER hippy!!"Spy Guy with the Glass Eye"
Yep, that's one big dame! WTF is with the arrows sticking out of the safari hat?! Who's hunting who out there?
In low-fi, all you get is a slight buzz...note one guy is humping the couch, there's a dead lady behind the sofa, and the guy on the far left has his headphones HOOKED UP TO A GIRL'S ASS!
One man's treasure is another man's WTF -
Ahhh, Joyce - like Cher, she only needs one name. And, like Bjork, she shouldn't be allowed to dress herself.
This WTF cover doesn't scare me as much as the "Special bonus full color activity poster and lyric sheet" --- wait, is that Martin Short/Ed Grimley in an afro???
A tinfoil faux-Barbarella bikini?? The only way to get THIS spaced out was to take the brown acid at Woodstock -
Can anyone tell me why it looks like the bikers are peeing on midget versions of themselves??
The 1970 film What Do You Say to a Naked Lady was actually a spin-off of the Candid Camera TV show, done by Allen Funt for adults only. Originally rated X (I have it on video), the movie catches people reacting in public to, well, a naked lady - how THAT translates to a RECORD ALBUM, only Satan's Sadists can say....
Little Richard Miller, born without arms or legs, plays piano AND bass! The back cover shows the bass draped around his neck, but no indication how he plays it. I actually own this album, and it's very inspirational, but I have to say that the cover - is - just - effin - weird --- are they trying to say he drives the tour bus, too?? If so, did he hit a hydrant, or what?
Geraldine and Ricky, Trees Talk Too - she gives him wood, he gives her splinters -
With the only cover text reading "I'm Gonna Be Raptured," is that the name of the performers, the name of the album, or just a coupla goofy kids trying to start a new catchphrase for kinky sex? And, hey, why aren't they BOTH gonna get raptured?? Which one is getting left behind? I'm betting it'll be the one who paired a green double-breasted blazer with a pink tie and loafers ---
If "Do the Arousal" was an actual dance ala "Do the Twist," well, let's thank gawd it didn't catch on.
Semi-soft squirting thing in Tijuana. Riiiiight -----
Uhhhhhh...words fail me. Make up your own punchline for this one...
An album full of xylophone music - particularly one by Mr-Rogers-On-Crack here - gives me nothing but BAD vibes ----
I do NOT wanna know why that guy in the middle is so effin happy ---
Oh yeah, Bud in a glass - now THAT'S how to seduce a REAL lady! In a trailer park, anyway -------
Mae West, "way out" rock and roller - as far as musical Bad Ideas go, this ranks right up there with Pat Boone's heavy metal album, the New Monkees, and Fleetwood Mac's Rumors followup Tusk (okay, maybe it's not THAT bad) ---
Ah, Bollywood musicals - bugfuggen WTF! Howcum Superman only has one leg??
With a cover THIS WTF, can you imagine how effed up below album itself is? Even if you LIKED ventriloquists, it's an ALBUM, you can't see if his lips move....making this little more than a twisted puppet show (albeit one I'd drive to Alaska to checkout!)
"I've got confidence" - well, obviously, or you wouldn't let someone snap that photo, in those dresses, let alone paste it on your album cover. Note the album title in quote marks, as tho nobody else behind-the-scenes shared their confidence ---
An album cover only Robert Crumb (or John Waters) could love...
Holy crap, Sanjaya's dad!!! And Sanjaya inherited his wardrobe AND his bead necklaces!!
Continuing what BEGAN as a bad cover idea, note all the food-themed songs...
Oh, to be a fly on the wall as the photog explained his cover idea to this poor bewildered-looking hard rock band, all of whom have since quit the music biz in shame and embarrasment, like Billy Squier after prancing around in lil' silk jammies for his "Rock Me Tonight" video ---
Speaking of silk jammies ---- there is no noise that this sartorially-challenged crew could ever make that I would be willing to subject my ears to - other than the sound of them being devoured by hungry wolverines ---
Not just a WTF cover, but a helluva WTF-idea for an album! What else could possibly be on this thing besides "Kung Fu Fighting," "The Ballad of Bruce Lee," and maybe an old Hai Karate cologne commercial???
This cover is hideous, but I SOOOOO wanna hear the story of who created it - and wtf?!? I don't even give a crap about what's on the record itself -
Sher, the cover above looks like the result of a bet that started off with "My two year-old could do better than that"....but below gem probably resulted from some drunk guy bragging "I bet I could wipe my ass and make a better cover..."
Those Truth-In-Advertising laws have far ranging impact indeed...
I'm sure this is an inspirational album from a trio of gifted singers, on the Heart Warming label, no less....but it was awfully cruel of the cover photog to put those gawdawful outfits on three blind women....
I have to admit, I'm dying to hear this record! All Lurch did on the Addams Family TV show is grunt and mutter "You Rang?" in that gutteral Tom-Waits-on-Valium voice of his - WTF could possibly be on this record??? And b/w "Wesley"???
Ethel Merman's disco album - you can't make this sh-t up, people.
Brady kids go solo, sometime after Peter's voice stopped breaking but before Marsha found a bra that fits.
"Is that a gun, or are you just happy to see me?" What, no post-coital cuddle??
Everybody has that one wacky Uncle....
What you get when you cross Flesh Gordon with Barbarella and a really stupid Buggles video --
"Hon, we're gonna need a bigger piano!" You'd think this guy would look happier that Decca is releasing his album --
"Hon, we're gonna need a bigger can of Raid!" Is there no end to bugs who wanna be Beatles?
I don't know who deserves to get their ass kicked more - their hair stylist or whoever designed those Evel-Knievel-Brady-Bunch clothes --
Again, what's worse - the clothes or the hair?? And, hey, isn't that Peter Sellers in drag on the right?!
This senior couple just can't let go of their weird Donny Osmond fetish...
Walking OUTLET store, maybe...
Despite the "rated G" logo below the title, I wouldn't touch this album with burlap gloves....wait, it has an instrumental version of "Alice's Restaurant"?? Okay, fire up the turntable...
Yeah, this cover photog was swinging his organ, all right...
If ever an album title fit the performer ---
"Let's draw someone who looks vaguely like John Lennon, and then spill some colored paint on the cover, and maybe people will think it's a Beatles album!"
Rated WTF, too scary for kids OR adults...
"God Isn't Dead" - he's just partying up a storm! Liquor bottles, hypo needles, the peep shadow of a seductive dame - lady, are you preaching or selling?
Either that guitar is gigantic, or that's one tiny effin bobblehead zombie!
Why Easy Rider centerfold painters should never draw album covers...
This cover illustrates how I feel while listening to Lady GaGa -
So he'd rather stroke his loaf (with a swollen red tip) than dance with a dame??
First record ever owned by John Hinkley.
Who cares about young Jack Burns and George Carlin, when there's two gigantic mutant Playmates in the room?!
WTF is this dumbass looking at US?!?! And WTF is the Open Face Sandwich Club?
True fact - nobody appearing on this cover performs on the album. Hey, is that smiling bald guy Eddie Murphy?!
Is that a sweater he's wearing, or his chest hair? Oh, it's a sweater made OUT OF his chest hair...
Ahhh, yes, fun with mental illness.
The scary thing about this is that there actually IS a Confederate Flag iPod...
"So here's my cover idea...this axe-wielding sumo with a seal head dances on holocaust corpses, as a plane flies up his ass..."
Talk about someone who needs to lighten up a little (and I don't mean the shoes and tie) ---
Awright, who the hell REQUESTED Ken?!?! All he needs is one name - and one bad suit. Oh, and a wax wig...
And, just to completely mess with your mind..............
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