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According to Forbes Magazine, the two most influential celebrities of 2013 are Ope and the dope, with Marty running a distant third.

Orpah and Stevie more influential than the man who added the fountain pen tracheotomy and Johnny Roastbeef to the cinematic lexicon? I'm disgusted with the two of you'se!

Money can't buy brains. "Martin Scorcese?!" Really, Forbs? Look how they makes Him look. Like the monkey minus the organ grinder.

We've all seen Marty's first feature, Who's That Knocking at My Door?, right? (If you haven't, log off The Big Screen and do not return until after committing His entire oeuvre to memory!) You want to talk about command of the medium? His first time out of the gate and there's not a match cut in the entire picture, unlike 1941 and Hook where nothing cuts together.

According to Chicago's WLS-TV, Oprah topped the list based on "major interviews with the likes of controversial athlete Lance Armstrong in the wake of his doping scandal and the late Whitney Houston's family."

Just say 'yes' to cashing in on drug-related interviews -- not only does it translate to ratings gold, there's a spot waiting for you atop Forbes list of 2014's most influential celebrities!

Apart from boosting toy sales, turning movies into theme park rides for the slow-witted, and bringing about the multiplexing of America all in the name of staggered showtimes, what exactly have Spielberg and George Lucas (he came in at #5) influenced? Lucas recently whored out big time by turning his Star Wars franchise over to Disney in exchange for $4 billion. Shouldn't Disney honcho Bob Iger assume Georgie's spot?

Ron Howard (#4) is a different story. Now there's an influential cat. Were it not for Opie Taylor -- the main reason children were initially drawn to The Andy Griffith Show -- I never would have learned how to whistle.


Now that things have soured between Oprah and Dr. Phil., Dr. Oz (#6) has become Harpo Studio's resident court jester. To date, Dr. Oz's biggest contribution to our culture has been legitimizing the use of latex poop as props on daytime TV. A clear path to colo-rectal cleansing is indeed beneficial to modern living, but aside from tapping a few impacted colons, what impact has this man made?

Barbara Walters (is she still working?), Bono (I thought he died skiing), and infomercial yente Suze Orman grabbed the 7, 8, and 9 slots. Based on his captivating performance at last year's RNC, the #10 position went to Clint Eastwood.

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