Don Bauder 3 p.m., Nov. 23
Details leaked on Beetlejuice sequel at the VMA's?
C'mon people, you think that suit was an accident? We're through the looking glass here.
Okay, so Miley Cyrus apparently saw Ke$ha get hot and heavy with some furries in her video for "C'Mon" and thought, "Ooh, me too!"
But in the interests if keeping it real, Miley decided to make her public proclamation of her preference for plush petting on live TV, at the MTV Video Music Awards. (Yes, you know this already.)
Much has been made of the fact that after prancing around for a few minutes in her Mouseketeer one-piece, she stripped down to her undies and bent over for Robin Thicke, singer of the big summer hit "Blurred Lines."
Much has also been made of the fact that Robin Thicke looked an awful lot like Beetlejuice, at least in terms of his wardrobe and paunch.
That got me to thinking. What if, instead of a faintly gross onstage hookup between a tongue-lolling 20-year-old former child star and a 36-year-old creeper, this was actually a teaser for the long-awaited Beetlejuice sequel? What if we're supposed to be piecing together aspects of the story from this insane performance? I could be wrong, but does anyone have a better idea?
Right. So. As you all remember, when we last see Beetlejuice, he's getting his head shrunk in the afterlife waiting room after he tries to trick a headshrinker out of his appointment number.
It's clear he needs a new head if he's ever going to be a player again. But whose? Well, consider Beetlejuice's prevailing interest, as manifested in this classic moment in the film:
Hello, ladies! So naturally, he's going to go looking for the head of a ladies man. And who is the ladies man of the moment? Robin Thicke!
Even better, Thicke, with his fondness for using highly potent marijuana to make good girls less concerned about goodness, is just the sort of sleazy operator that would strike Beetlejuice as a kindred spirit.
How does Beetlejuice get Thicke's head? Well, maybe he doesn't. That could get messy. Maybe he just takes over Thicke's body. He does, after all, offer free demon possessions with every exorcism:
And besides, Thicke's body comes with certain...benefits. At least, according to Robin Thicke.
How does Beetlejuice get out of the afterlife and back into our world? Easy. Kirk Cameron summons him by saying his name three times.
Cameron, of course, is a good Christian. He even makes hugely successful movies about being a good Christian (Fireproof). And of course, he is an abstinence advocate. He also played Alan Thicke's son on Growing Pains.
Now, Alan Thicke's real son is famous the world over for getting a good girl to give it up.
Kirk Cameron knows something has to be done, and he hits upon a brilliant plan. Use a demon to beat the devil. If he summons Beetlejuice to possess Thicke and so induce Thicke to make a gross and debauched mockery of himself on national television, then people will see the ugly truth about the sexual philistinism that Thicke preaches. They might even stop watching the VMAs and go to church. It's a dangerous game, but it's so crazy that it just might work! Best of all, Beetlejuice won't even know he's being used as a tool of the godly! All he'll know is that a fit 20-year-old is bent over in front of him and grinding against Beetlejunior.
This is real, this is happening. Don't believe me? Then how do you explain this?
Above: a sandworm from The World Beyond the Door in Beetlejuice. Below, Miley Cyrus getting up close and personal with the backside of one of her fellow performers during her bit.
Note the striped lower extremities. Note the fearsome head. Coincidence? I think not.
That sandworm dancer leads to another clue. Miley's furry army is not as harmlessly sexy as it seems. I mean, check out the robobear she's got carrying her onstage in its belly:
The bear is clearly a Cylon from Battlestar Galactica.
Its close linkage with the Beetlejuice sandworm analogue - they both serve Miley - suggests that The World Beyond the Door in Beetlejuice is in fact a faraway planet.
Let's see now, a faraway planet covered in sand and populated by giant worms...
Yes! Dune! Miley Cyrus is actually Alia Atreides! Think about it! They start out mysterious and sweet and weirdly powerful despite their tender years:
But we all know how it ends for Alia:
In Children of Dune (1976), Alia becomes progressively more devious and power-hungry as she slowly succumbs to Abomination. Falling under the influence of the persona of her deceased grandfather, the Baron Harkonnen, Alia abuses her powers as Regent and becomes a ruthless tyrant. She allows the Baron access to her senses in exchange for his help fighting off the other personalities within her, but his sexual proclivities soon control her, compelling her to engage in sexual acts with one of her aides.
Visual depiction of Baron's takeover of Alia in 3...2...1...
Another clue that Miley is Alia: see that little silver fingertip cover that Alia's wearing? Tell me this isn't a reference to that:
And finally...the big capper: MTV censored Miley's reference to taking Molly (ecstasy). We all know there's a drug reference in there - we've heard the song before, God help us. But this time, we can't hear the name of the drug. It could be anything. Given everything that's come before, isn't the name of the drug obvious? It's the spice!
Um, I think maybe I should quit dropping acid before watching the VMAs. But I really do want a Beetlejuice sequel, even though I know it'll be terrible. I'm weak that way.
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