Almost Factual News Entries for August, 2013


Local condiment company drops DeMaio's name from product in wake of allegations

San Diego Eats CEO: "At this point, would you buy DeMaio Mayo? Just ew." Statement from San Diego Eats CEO Jane Queasy: "Who knows? He may be innocent [regarding claims that he masturbated ...

City Council approves immediate execution of Brittany Killgore's alleged killers

Councilwoman Zapf: "It's time for the bleeding to stop and the healing to begin. Well, our healing, anyway."

In a special emergency session, the San Diego City Council today approved the immediate execution of Louis Ray Perez, 46, ...

San Marcos-based RealDoll manufacturer donates doll to Filner

Abyss Creations CEO: "This has to be a very difficult time for the Mayor. We're guessing that now, more than ever, he needs something to grope." "Look," says Abyss Creations CEO Ina Nimate, "nobody is saying that what Mayor Filner did was okay. But the ...

Apple announces plan to relocate to San Diego

Statement from CEO Tim Cook: "With the removal of Monster Mayor Bob Filner, both the path and the choice are clear: Apple can now grow in San Diego."

It looks like City Councilwoman Lorie Zapf was right. During the Council's meeting on August 23, a meeting which saw ...

Carl DeMaio's phallus files sexual harassment lawsuit against Carl DeMaio

Former Council Member's member: "Carl DeMaio grabbed me and groped me in a public restroom."

The beat goes on...

Emperor Elagabobus announces plan to celebrate final week in office with nonstop orgy

"Provided everything is consensual, absolutely nothing will be off limits. City Hall will be debauched beyond recognition. Come one, come all, starting Monday at 8 a.m."

"On the last day of the month named for the great Emperor Augustus, at five hours past the sun's climax ...

Coming Soon to the San Diego Film Festival: Lynch Mob: the Filner Firestorm

Filner at resignation speech: "The hysteria that has been the hysteria of a lynch mob. I have faced lynch mobs many times before."

Sunroad developer announces plan to name 9-foot Centrum Park easement "Filner Alley"

Statement from Sunroad: "With Filner gone, there shouldn't be any more trouble about our dealings with the city on this ...

Ghost of Richard Nixon holds press conference: "You won't have Bob Filner to kick around any more."

"For 12 weeks, ever since the Frye announcement, you've had a lot of fun. You've had a lot of fun. ...

Remarkably relaxed and happy officers report on Lemon Grove strip club raid

Police psychiatrist report chalks "oddly cheerful" demeanor of investigation's point men up to "post-stress euphoria." Police photo taken during sting operation. Last night, the cops raided Little Darlings Adult Cabaret in Lemon Grove, making ...

EXCLUSIVE! Interview with Pulitzer-Prize winning photographer A. Source

Man who took picture of Bob Filner's Press Secretary Lena Lewis sipping from schlong straw tells the story behind historic photo.

By now, we all know the story: A. Source was attending the Las Vegas bachelorette party for Lena Lewis, Press ...

North Park residents propose alternate design for contested Jack in the Box remodel

"Jack in the Basement" would take drive-through traffic through underground structure, keep remodel "more in tune with neighborhood ethos."

CORNER OF URBAN AUTHENTICITY AND GENTRIFICATION, NORTH PARK - "I'll admit it," says North Park resident/activist/resident activist Kyle Buchanan, "there ...

LEAKED: SDGE draft for first "SDGE-Man" comic

Utility company plans to win hearts and minds (and dollars) with friendly superhero mascot

Episode One: "Solar Wrexus"

A conversation between Mayor Feelner and his latest accuser, a great-grandmother

Don't ask how we got the transcript. At least now we know where that $11,000 went. (click to enlarge)

SDG&E Debuts "SDG&E Man" in effort to improve public image

Utility company seeks to ease outrage over San Onofre debacle, rate increases

"Really," says spokesman, "it's just a matter of shifting perspective. We perform a heroic service for the people of San ...

Report: Silvio Berlusconi eyeing run for San Diego Mayor

Former Italian Prime Minister says he "likes his chances, especially considering the creep who's currently in office."

According to Google, "brancolare" is Italian for "grope." "I may have paid women - even underage women - for sex ...

Existence of Higgs boson particle confirmed

Particle renamed Filner-Higgs boson in honor of Mayor who led to sigma 5 level of certainty regarding the so-called god particle

Large Hadron Collider technician: "We weren't 100% sure the particle existed, but then it started calling for Mayor Filner to ...

In wake of Hooters ban on Filner, Tilted Kilt extends invitation to embattled Mayor

"Past mistakes? We don't give a hoot!"

"The Mayor said he's committed to changing," said The Tilted Kilt Brand Manager Minnie Scertt in a press release. "He ...

In wake of banning Mayor Filner, Hooters restaurant renames itself "Breasts"

Brand Manager Caesar Canz: "Women deserve respect, not slang."

More complete moniker "Breasts 'n Buttocks" rejected because of "possibly unsavory associations for a food-service establishment." "We are here ...

Filner responds to latest accusation

Repentant Mayor pauses intensive counseling session to issue statement: "I'm a Democrat. I was only doing what Democrats have always done to Marilyn Monroe." "Where do you think I learned the Filner headlock?" Responding to charges from Marilyn Monroe impersonator Emily Gilbert that ...

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