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Accused Sex Crimes Detective Responds to Sexual Harrassment Allegations

SPECIAL GUEST COLUMN: Detective Edward Fletes, accused by fellow detective Deborah Burger of creating an "intimidating and hostile work environment charged with offensive sexual comments, slurs, innuendos, emails, [and] photos" within the SDPD Sex Crimes Unit, issues a response. Fletes comments are his own, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of SD on the QT, Walter Mencken, or the San Diego Reader.

Reading over the complaint, I find myself wondering if Detective Burger has ever seen an episode of CSI: Miami. At the opening of nearly every single damn episode, David Caruso makes a joke that is tasteless at best and deeply offensive at worst, often regarding a murder victim. Case in point: "She came down here to drink mojitos and catch some sun," says a cop at the murder scene of a lovely young girl, and Caruso puts on his sunglasses and replies, "Well, it looks like something caught her."

But it's okay, and you know why? Because the man deals with murder victims on a daily basis, which is a horrible way to live. Does it mean that he doesn't care about murder victims? Hell, no. He spends his life hunting down the killers. Rather, it's a defense mechanism, a way to stay sane in the face of insane horror. Further, no less a student of the psyche than Sigmund Freud once wrote that gallows humor like Caruso's serves a crucial psychological purpose: "By making our enemy small, inferior, despicable or comic, we achieve in a roundabout way the enjoyment of overcoming him."

So when I post a photo of a teenager "with her legs spread open and pointing to her genital area with a caption that reads: ''EXHIBIT A' - 'The proof that she was asking for it your Honour,'" am I suggesting that rape is okay? Absolutely not. I am suggesting - nay, asserting - exactly the opposite. I am making my enemy - the sexual offender - 'small, inferior, despicable, or comic,' manifesting the nightmarish absurdity of his mindset.

I work in a sex crimes unit. Trust me, you do not want to know the nasty shit I have to deal with on a daily basis. Shit that I will never be able to unsee. Is some of the humor I use to deal with it also nasty? You bet your ass it is. I make no apologies, except to the public that has to hear about all this. If you're not in the thick of it, of course it's going to sound horrible.

Now, as for the Man Test email. Granted, it was stupid - but hell, so is Real Housewives of New Jersey, and no one is suing the ad wizards behind that one. Supposedly, it "specifically targeted gays and used epithets such as 'fag,' 'FLAMING homo,' 'queer,' 'Gaylord,' 'ass-pirate,' 'dying to tune a meat whistle,' 'pole smoker,' and 'keep that gay shit to yourself!'" Okay, let's hash this out:

Fag - Free-Agent Gay, as in, unattached and ready to party. You could look it up.

FLAMING homo - Homer Simpson once said, "I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming." Yeah, real offensive.

Queer - is this even a thing anymore? I thought the gays had taken this one back.

Gaylord - oh, I'm sorry. Do you mean the first name of Ben Stiller's character in Meet the Parents? If he can make a joke out of it, so can I.

Ass-pirate - again, you could look it up: it's a fetish, like leather daddies, or bears, or furries. There are whole parties where everyone dresses like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean. How do I know this? It's my job.

As for the blowjob comments - um, it's about gays. That's no more offensive than saying a horny straight guy is dying to...well, you can probably imagine it.

I'm not even going to explain "keep that gay shit to yourself." Nobody needs that mental picture.

In conclusion, I guess Christopher Hitchens was right. Women just aren't that funny. It's a pity, because Detective Burger has an awesome rack.

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SPECIAL GUEST COLUMN: Detective Edward Fletes, accused by fellow detective Deborah Burger of creating an "intimidating and hostile work environment charged with offensive sexual comments, slurs, innuendos, emails, [and] photos" within the SDPD Sex Crimes Unit, issues a response. Fletes comments are his own, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of SD on the QT, Walter Mencken, or the San Diego Reader.

Reading over the complaint, I find myself wondering if Detective Burger has ever seen an episode of CSI: Miami. At the opening of nearly every single damn episode, David Caruso makes a joke that is tasteless at best and deeply offensive at worst, often regarding a murder victim. Case in point: "She came down here to drink mojitos and catch some sun," says a cop at the murder scene of a lovely young girl, and Caruso puts on his sunglasses and replies, "Well, it looks like something caught her."

But it's okay, and you know why? Because the man deals with murder victims on a daily basis, which is a horrible way to live. Does it mean that he doesn't care about murder victims? Hell, no. He spends his life hunting down the killers. Rather, it's a defense mechanism, a way to stay sane in the face of insane horror. Further, no less a student of the psyche than Sigmund Freud once wrote that gallows humor like Caruso's serves a crucial psychological purpose: "By making our enemy small, inferior, despicable or comic, we achieve in a roundabout way the enjoyment of overcoming him."

So when I post a photo of a teenager "with her legs spread open and pointing to her genital area with a caption that reads: ''EXHIBIT A' - 'The proof that she was asking for it your Honour,'" am I suggesting that rape is okay? Absolutely not. I am suggesting - nay, asserting - exactly the opposite. I am making my enemy - the sexual offender - 'small, inferior, despicable, or comic,' manifesting the nightmarish absurdity of his mindset.

I work in a sex crimes unit. Trust me, you do not want to know the nasty shit I have to deal with on a daily basis. Shit that I will never be able to unsee. Is some of the humor I use to deal with it also nasty? You bet your ass it is. I make no apologies, except to the public that has to hear about all this. If you're not in the thick of it, of course it's going to sound horrible.

Now, as for the Man Test email. Granted, it was stupid - but hell, so is Real Housewives of New Jersey, and no one is suing the ad wizards behind that one. Supposedly, it "specifically targeted gays and used epithets such as 'fag,' 'FLAMING homo,' 'queer,' 'Gaylord,' 'ass-pirate,' 'dying to tune a meat whistle,' 'pole smoker,' and 'keep that gay shit to yourself!'" Okay, let's hash this out:

Fag - Free-Agent Gay, as in, unattached and ready to party. You could look it up.

FLAMING homo - Homer Simpson once said, "I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming." Yeah, real offensive.

Queer - is this even a thing anymore? I thought the gays had taken this one back.

Gaylord - oh, I'm sorry. Do you mean the first name of Ben Stiller's character in Meet the Parents? If he can make a joke out of it, so can I.

Ass-pirate - again, you could look it up: it's a fetish, like leather daddies, or bears, or furries. There are whole parties where everyone dresses like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean. How do I know this? It's my job.

As for the blowjob comments - um, it's about gays. That's no more offensive than saying a horny straight guy is dying to...well, you can probably imagine it.

I'm not even going to explain "keep that gay shit to yourself." Nobody needs that mental picture.

In conclusion, I guess Christopher Hitchens was right. Women just aren't that funny. It's a pity, because Detective Burger has an awesome rack.

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