10 a.m., Feb. 20
Marines Recall Fake Gays to Active Duty
Longtime readers of SD on the QT may recall the case of the so-called Fabulous Four, two male-male Marine couples who got married during 2008's "Matrimonial Follies." (The term refers to the brief period between June and November of that year when the state issued marriage licenses to same-sex couples prior to the passage of Proposition 8.)
The marriages were deemed a violation of the military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy regarding homosexuality, and the couples were dishonorably discharged from the Marines. While the four men sought to avoid the subsequent media frenzy, their otherwise sterling service records and handsome physiques made them literal poster children for the growing opposition to DADT.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell is no more, of course, but in a bizarre turn of events, the Fabulous Four have found themselves recalled to active duty, effective immediately. According to a spokesman for the Marines' Cannon Fodder Corps, the four men were recently found to have entered into sham marriages in 2008 for the sake of avoiding further exposure to combat. "Turns out they weren't gay at all," said the spokesman. "Two of the men, Barry Billups and Jackson Hole, have actually gone so far as to enter into male-female marriages in other states. It was legal, since those states don't recognize gay marriage. But legal or not, you don't hoodwink the United States Marine Corps and get away with it. We've got a nice, cozy valley in Afghanistan picked out where they can all bunk up together. It'll be like the honeymoon they never had."