Don Bauder 3 p.m., Nov. 23
- Community Blog
Hit Me, I'm a Man, I Can Take It
I just got home from working a 13.5 hour shift, hoping for a nice, quiet evening. After my shower, maybe read a little bit, play with the cat some, or hell, just stare at the walls for an hour or two before I pass out. Instead, what do I get? A group of drunken idiots challenging each other to the game of Hit Me So I Can Prove My Manhood... and Idiocy..
Now, I can be a masochist at times, though mostly the mental kind. In my teens I did some stupid stuff to my body but after a while I realized, yes, pain hurts. So I stopped doing those stupid things. But never did I intentionally challenge my friends that they couldn't hit me hard enough in the chest and cause me to lose my balance. Seriously, I'm not making this up.
Here, let me set the scene for you. Five guys, mid-20s, I'd say, dressed as if they won a shopping spree from Abercrombie & Fitch or Gap. You know, white t-shirt, crisp short sleeve button down shirt (some with a random print, others just a single color or with stripes), khaki pants, just screaming "Hey! Look at me! I'm a douche bag and I can prove it!" And all but one of them is obviously drunk. The one that appears to be sober is either the designated driver or has drank himself into silence. But I'm pretty sure he's sober because he has the same head-shaking reaction as I do. Problem is, he's their friend. Poor guy.
One of them, we'll call him Ring Leader ('cause there's always one in a group) says to all of his friends, "I bet nunna you can hit me in the chest and make me lose my footing." Outside of the Head Shaker, all of them then form a line. Which, by the way, doesn't say much when all your friends line up to punch you in the sternum. Either you need better friends or your clothes aren't the only thing solidifying your douche bagginess.
So Ring Leader gets ready, a stance as if he's about to spar with Ali but his arms slack at his sides. The first guy takes a swing, lands in his chest, and Ring Leader laughs it off, his body only absorbing the hit but his feet not moving. The second guy, the same thing. The third guy, though, we'll call him Slugger, stands as if he's about to box as well. He takes a few deep breaths and very quickly his fist flies to Ring Leader's chest. It's at this point that I grabbed the phone, ready to call for an ambulance. Slugger was no chump. Why Ring Leader challenged Slugger to this is beyond me but I'm pretty sure if Ring Leader were sober, this whole stupid situation would not have occurred. Seriously, Slugger was a big dude.
But Ring Leader, he's a tough guy, even though I could have sworn I saw Slugger's fist try to break through the skin on Ring Leader's back like a damn cartoon. Obviously Ring Leader lost his balance, then he fell to the ground gasping for air. Everyone but Slugger and the Quiet Guy was surprised and went to help Ring Leader up. This, though, was a mistake, as if Slugger and Quiet Guy knew something. Ring Leader was so pissed, after he finally caught his breath and stood up, he said, "Alright a$$hole, this time I'm ready," and serious as if he was hoping Slugger would do it again. There were a few laughs and the Party of Idiots quickly dispersed.
Now, I don't know what goes through someone's head when they challenge people (especially someone the size of Slugger) to hit them as hard as they can in the chest but apparently nothing went through Ring Leader's head because his skull is too thick. Freakin' neanderthals.
All I'm saying is if Ring Leader wanted a challenge, it was obvious all he had to do was to try to not be an idiot. And I say that as kind as possible. Really, I do. Ok, maybe I don't.