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C is for Cookie
We weren't allowed many sweets either. If we had soda, it was diet. I'll bet someone makes chocolate cookie dough ice cream.— March 17, 2009 7:38 a.m.
Kill Bill -- Two Bill's, Both Idiots
It is an unfortunate fact of my life that many of friends have had young children for several years now. Including siblings. It's almost like the parents check out when they come over. Ahhh, now I can relax and the kid can destroy someone else's house. It's not just this friend in particular. One time, another friend's little kid was pounding on my cat. The mother kept saying gentle, gentle while the kid kept at it. The cat bit her, and guess what? I was HAPPY! All I could think was "bite her, bite her" and she did. Her crying was music to my ears. I'm working on the calling people on their crap. We women are trained to avoid confrontation. You, on the other hand, seem to have mastered it! And no disrepect at all. I completely admire your ability to stand up to these dimwits.— March 17, 2009 7:35 a.m.
Music Notes...Metallica, Michael Jackson, and a Monkee in the Middle
Whoa, there, big fella - one thing I do know is cars. I grew up with guys wrenching on big block (and small block) V8 Chevys from the sixties. I paid attention. My friends are astounded that I can tell the difference between a '67 and a '68 Camaro (headlights, for one, and the '68 Chevys all sucked), and I know what 411 gears are, what headers are and what a four-barrel is. Not that the opportunity presents itself much, but when it does, watch out! AND when My Cousin Vinny came out, I had already figured out the positraction (or limited slip differential to the initiated) solution to the case before it was even brought up. And I do not have permed hair and wear acid-washed jeans. So there. Take that.— March 16, 2009 6:49 p.m.
Music Notes...Metallica, Michael Jackson, and a Monkee in the Middle
Mmmm. You know your metal. I don't recall indentifying the car. But if I were to guess, I would have guessed a Trans-Am, not a Jag. Ugh! I hated the Cherry Pie song! It used to embarrass me when I was a teenager. But that walkover kicked ass!!— March 16, 2009 5:07 p.m.
Kill Bill -- Two Bill's, Both Idiots
Oh, lord, don't get me started on the kids thing! One time I invited my friend, her husband and their demon seed over. From the time this kid came into my house, he wreaked havoc. Food smeared all over the couch, then outside on the deck he threw his entire plate of food down. Slamming the glass doors to my buffet, slam, slam, slam, slam. He goes back outside, rips off his diaper, and pees in the cat's water dish. Needless to say, most of it goes on the deck. His mother is just sitting there, while I am cleaning up spills, pee that is bleaching my deck, and my furniture. Back inside, he picks up a sausage and squeezes it into someones glass, then drops it in the glass. Grease gets all over everything. My husband runs toward him to grab the sausage, and the dad looks at him and says "what's wrong?". The kid runs back outside. He is covered in filth at this point. His mom picks him up, and dunks him in the hot tub to clean him off! I am beside myself, but these are people that get very angry if you discipline their child. He runs back into the house soaking wet, and the mom in screaming at the husband to watch him, because now she is in the hot tub with a beer. He is yelling back for her to watch him, and I hear my husband yell "X, nooooo!". Then crash. He had pulled a bottle of wine out of the wine rack and threw it on the ground. The mom sighs, and says "I guess we should go." I have never felt so relieved in my life. Everytime that kid would come over, they would let him put his hands in all the food, and he would spit it out all over. They would be oblivious to the fact that our other guests did not want to eat food that his hands were in, over and over. Needless to say, we stopped inviting them over. Is this the new parenting? If we did this as kids, well, I think you know.— March 16, 2009 4:17 p.m.
Escorts & Engagements
Nah, not if they have one iota of self-esteem. Okay, I wouldn't do it. When I was single (and even after I was married and sporting a ring), I had lots of married guys flirt with me at work. Even if I found them attractive, I wasn't about to jump into bed with them. Hopefully this will restore a tiny amount of trust back into you. Not all single women are gold-digging man-eaters trying to steal your husband. Give the guys some credit as well! So if women get muffin-tops, what the hell do you call that enormous thing hanging over most American men's pants? A cake-top?— March 16, 2009 1:38 p.m.
Music Notes...Metallica, Michael Jackson, and a Monkee in the Middle
Magics invited us to look at her Myspace a long time ago. I don't listen to metal, but I can appreciate different genres of music. I loved MTV back in the '80s, and some of the metal bands had THE BEST videos! You spoke of Tawny Kaitan (sp?) recently. Remember that video of her doing the front walkover on the hood of a car? It was for "Sweet Cherry Pie", I think the name of the song was. My boyfriend at the time called it the Hot Cherry Bendover.— March 16, 2009 7:57 a.m.
Kill Bill -- Two Bill's, Both Idiots
When our friends from Long Beach had their first daughter, she called them "breeders". Not oh, I am so happy for you. Which is what you say pretty much no matter how you feel. It was unreal. Any time someone had something good happen in their lives, she would try to one-up it or discount it as being less important. FYI, she and my husband did not get along. At first she tried to get all cozy with him (that was another thing she did - she would get all touchy-feely with anyone's significant male other, taking them aside for drinks without the girlfriend or holding their hand) but he had her number from the get-go. He could not understand why we were friends with this woman. Once she realized my husband could see through her crap, she became rude and insulting to him. He drove her crazy, because he refused to participate in her attempts to be one of the guys with him. She also grew up in La Jolla, and tried to pass herself off as being some sort of sophisticate, and alluded to the fact that we were somehow inferior. Problem was, she was a phony and my husband was the real deal. He grew up in a relatively affluent household, but he never flaunts it. He just has a dignity about him, and she caught a whiff of that and knew that she was about to be exposed. Funny thing was, I had so many years invested in the friendship, and at first she wasn't like this. I guess maybe it was the first time she actually had a group of girlfriends, and she did not know how to handle it. She was one of those girls that says they get along better with guys and she was always into televised sports and going to baseball games. Now I know why. She was not capable of having female friendships. I have to say that they can be a TON more work than male friendships, but when you get a couple good ones, it is worth the effort.— March 15, 2009 3:30 p.m.
Kill Bill -- Two Bill's, Both Idiots
She got completely bombed at my bridal shower, and this was right after 9/11. She for some reason took 9/11 on as her own personal tragedy, because she had done some training at the World Trade Center the previous year. She went on and on about "her people" and all this crap. She did not know a single person killed that horrible day, but she was just trying to get attention. It was disgusting, especially because we actually knew people whose friends or relatives were killed that day. We did not go on and on about it. Anyway, at my shower, she is giving a speech and has a meltdown, crying about how I am going forward with my wedding in the face of such adversity, sobbing and blubbering. She had to be sat down. It was very awkward for the people that had never met her. The shower was not about her, so she had to make it about her. Any milestone ever reached by one of us was something she was planning to do, but "we stole their thunder". "Oh, we were planning to become engaged, but now you stole our thunder". As you can tell, most of this came to head around the time I got married. For the first time, a lot of attention was focused on me, and she did not like it one bit. She did not want to wear makeup at the wedding. Made a big deal about it, not wanting her hair done either. But it wasn't because she didn't like nice hair and makeup. She wanted to be different and stand out some way. She called me after we picked our wedding party, and wanted me to put her boyfriend in the wedding. Actually create a role for him! I told her my husband has his own friends and brothers and wants them to stand-up for him. She told me to find a place on my side. She was dead serious. This boyfriend is one of those people who had gone to school for 20 years and still does not have a degree, and always had marginal jobs, but she would always tell us to "be sure you say something nice to X" about some stupid hobby of his because he was extremely insecure. He would lose jobs all the time because he couldn't go in and be the boss right off the bat. When he lost his job, he went back to school. (cont.)— March 15, 2009 3:20 p.m.
Kill Bill -- Two Bill's, Both Idiots
One time I had a birthday party at my house. She went on and on about how some important baseball game was on and she and her boyfriend were making a huge acquiescence to come to our party. It was on the rooftop deck, and I look around and half the people are gone. She's got them downstairs in the living room with the game on! When I said something, she retorted that maybe they would all leave and just go watch it at a bar. My guests. My party. Anytime our friends who lived in Long Beach would come visit, they had to stay at their house. When we bought a condo, they started staying with us. This upset her to no end. They introduced us to another couple that had just moved to San Diego, but when the woman and I tried to exchange numbers, she said she would get them for us. Seriously, she would not allow it. We became good friends with this couple after I finally got their number, and they cannot stand her anymore as well. It finally came to head when we were all together at a party and they were as usual hours late. Someone who did not like them was saying what a couple of jerks they were and we all started talking about them! It seemed like everyone actually hated them but we were all afraid to say anything. It was strange, because the average person reading this would have dumped them ages ago. But some people have a knack for getting others to do their bidding, because you think for some reason if you stop hanging out with them you will be kicked out of your group of friends. Once we realized that nobody except the potheads liked them, we gave them the boot. It was great. She was a guest at a wedding a few years back, and she was drunk, of course. I was in the wedding, so I had a little after-party at my house for the out of town guests. Well, they come over, univited, and she is slobbering drunk, and corners me, her and her boyfriend, in a spare bedroom. He starts demanding to know why we are no longer friends, and I let them have it. Everything came out. There is so much more, but I won't bore you. It would take three pages. My friend from Long Beach, who could not make it to the wedding, and had had it out with her a year prior for similar reasons, wishes to this day she had been there to see it and add her two cents as well! Sometimes, friends just suck. Especially the ones that are arrogant to the point of being completely unaware of how obnoxious their behavior is, or that their actions might make someone feel bad.— March 15, 2009 2:31 p.m.