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Ask a Therapist: My husband won't go to therapy!
Even though it's been good for me, and I think it would be good for for him.
Pictured: Alexander the Great. Men will literally conquer the known world instead of going to therapy.
Note: the content provided here is not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Content is presented in summary form, is general in nature, and is provided for educational and informational purposes only. Do not delay in seeking the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any concerns you may have regarding a medical, psychiatric, or psychological condition. On to the questions!
Hey Sam,
My husband refuses to go to therapy. But it’s helped me a lot, and I think it would be really good for him. What should I do?
L.B.
Rancho Santa Fe
Thanks L.B.,
This is a useful question for this column, both because it comes up a lot, and because within it, there are a several matters that are worth digging into.
First, you mention that therapy has been helpful for you. Glad that’s the case. You, of course, have that in common with many other therapy clients. But many millions of people share your husband’s wariness. This reminds me of an old psychotherapy joke.
Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None– the lightbulb has to want to change.
Clearly, a large factor shaping the quality of someones experience “on the couch” is his or her degree of motivation toward and investment in the process.
But back to your husband. You didn’t go into detail about his refusal, but please allow me to consider some common reasons for it.
1. He is scared or uncomfortable. The very thing that makes therapy attractive to you may make it scary or off-putting to him. The idea of going to a room for a 50-minute private meeting where you can open up, talk about anything you need to, get vulnerable, and get into applying whatever the specific skills or approaches your therapist uses… to some, this sounds great. To others, it sounds like a nightmare. Vulnerability takes practice, practice that many of us do not have. True honesty takes practice and courage, too. Men frequently have a concern about seeming weak or in need of help. Happily, this is a concern that can be addressed (in therapy or outside of it). And the act of going to therapy can be reframed — accurately! — as something other than admitting weakness or insufficiency. Many men like projects and tools; maybe it would help him to consider himself a project, and the techniques gained in therapy as tools. But that brings us to reason number two...
2. He believes he is not in bad enough shape to need professional help. Many people regard their own sufferings as real enough, but still not the kind of thing that requires a formal mental health intervention. If you disagree with this perspective when it comes to your spouse, it could be useful to explain why you think the way you do. But take care in your presentation: I suspect that the more clearly you can show that your message comes from loving concern — and not a wish to criticize or control — the better it may be received.
3. He thinks it’s a waste of time, pointless, or unhelpful. I regularly encounter people who have this opinion, despite never having attended a therapy appointment. Or sometimes, they have briefly attended, but never given the process their genuine effort. Has he tried it? If not, maybe start there. Take an experimental approach and give it a few tries. If he has and found it unsatisfactory, it could be worth figuring out why. Could the style and approach of a different counselor make a difference?
A couple more things worth considering:
1. The concept and practice of therapy can encompass an enormous array of theories, interventions, perspectives, and skills. And not all of them are in harmony with one another. You don’t need to be a professional to get a general sense about what sorts of approaches might be helpful for you, and you should feel free to ask about anything you want to know.
2. From a relationship-focused perspective, I believe it’s extremely beneficial for a spouse to demonstrate willingness to change. That is part of what is at issue here — aside from the question of whether or not to attend therapy. A spouse who simply refuses to try things that could make positive changes in a relationship is likely going to be more challenging and disappointing than one who may feel reluctant about a given strategy but is willing to try some alternatives. You don’t want to go to therapy? Understandable. What about considering exercise, sleep and diet changes? Or reading helpful material about whatever it is you’re struggling with? Or finding group support, perhaps by attending a ManKind Project weekend event? Or learning meditation? Or even seeing a psychiatrist? The list could go on.
Here's something you might be interested in.
Ask a Therapist: My husband won't go to therapy!
Even though it's been good for me, and I think it would be good for for him.
Ask a Therapist: My husband won't go to therapy!
Even though it's been good for me, and I think it would be good for for him.
Pictured: Alexander the Great. Men will literally conquer the known world instead of going to therapy.
Note: the content provided here is not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Content is presented in summary form, is general in nature, and is provided for educational and informational purposes only. Do not delay in seeking the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any concerns you may have regarding a medical, psychiatric, or psychological condition. On to the questions!
Hey Sam,
My husband refuses to go to therapy. But it’s helped me a lot, and I think it would be really good for him. What should I do?
L.B.
Rancho Santa Fe
Thanks L.B.,
This is a useful question for this column, both because it comes up a lot, and because within it, there are a several matters that are worth digging into.
First, you mention that therapy has been helpful for you. Glad that’s the case. You, of course, have that in common with many other therapy clients. But many millions of people share your husband’s wariness. This reminds me of an old psychotherapy joke.
Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None– the lightbulb has to want to change.
Clearly, a large factor shaping the quality of someones experience “on the couch” is his or her degree of motivation toward and investment in the process.
But back to your husband. You didn’t go into detail about his refusal, but please allow me to consider some common reasons for it.
1. He is scared or uncomfortable. The very thing that makes therapy attractive to you may make it scary or off-putting to him. The idea of going to a room for a 50-minute private meeting where you can open up, talk about anything you need to, get vulnerable, and get into applying whatever the specific skills or approaches your therapist uses… to some, this sounds great. To others, it sounds like a nightmare. Vulnerability takes practice, practice that many of us do not have. True honesty takes practice and courage, too. Men frequently have a concern about seeming weak or in need of help. Happily, this is a concern that can be addressed (in therapy or outside of it). And the act of going to therapy can be reframed — accurately! — as something other than admitting weakness or insufficiency. Many men like projects and tools; maybe it would help him to consider himself a project, and the techniques gained in therapy as tools. But that brings us to reason number two...
2. He believes he is not in bad enough shape to need professional help. Many people regard their own sufferings as real enough, but still not the kind of thing that requires a formal mental health intervention. If you disagree with this perspective when it comes to your spouse, it could be useful to explain why you think the way you do. But take care in your presentation: I suspect that the more clearly you can show that your message comes from loving concern — and not a wish to criticize or control — the better it may be received.
3. He thinks it’s a waste of time, pointless, or unhelpful. I regularly encounter people who have this opinion, despite never having attended a therapy appointment. Or sometimes, they have briefly attended, but never given the process their genuine effort. Has he tried it? If not, maybe start there. Take an experimental approach and give it a few tries. If he has and found it unsatisfactory, it could be worth figuring out why. Could the style and approach of a different counselor make a difference?
A couple more things worth considering:
1. The concept and practice of therapy can encompass an enormous array of theories, interventions, perspectives, and skills. And not all of them are in harmony with one another. You don’t need to be a professional to get a general sense about what sorts of approaches might be helpful for you, and you should feel free to ask about anything you want to know.
2. From a relationship-focused perspective, I believe it’s extremely beneficial for a spouse to demonstrate willingness to change. That is part of what is at issue here — aside from the question of whether or not to attend therapy. A spouse who simply refuses to try things that could make positive changes in a relationship is likely going to be more challenging and disappointing than one who may feel reluctant about a given strategy but is willing to try some alternatives. You don’t want to go to therapy? Understandable. What about considering exercise, sleep and diet changes? Or reading helpful material about whatever it is you’re struggling with? Or finding group support, perhaps by attending a ManKind Project weekend event? Or learning meditation? Or even seeing a psychiatrist? The list could go on.
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