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Ask a Therapist: Should I forgive my mother?
She's different now, at least sort of different
Note: the content provided here is not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Content is presented in summary form, is general in nature, and is provided for educational and informational purposes only. Do not delay in seeking the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any concerns you may have regarding a medical, psychiatric, or psychological condition." On to the questions!
Hey Sam:
My mother was a mean, angry alcoholic while I was growing up. She’s different now, at least sort of different. She wants me to forgive her, but I am having a hard time forgiving, and part of me doesn’t actually want to. What should I do?
C.M., Pine Valley
First, I want to acknowledge the valid resentment and reservations around this relationship. I think every child has a right to an attentive and protective enough parent. Responsible parents make active efforts to ensure their child’s safety in body and mind, even if they can’t do this perfectly.
This doesn’t mean all parents have equal resources or circumstances that would ensure their success in meeting their responsibility. And yet, parents are accountable in the end for what they did and what they failed to do while their children were under their care. In my opinion, being raised by an alcoholic means being raised by someone with a harmful means of managing an underlying untreated mental illness. Often those most harmed are the vulnerable children living in the wake of the addict.
Your question leads me to wonder: is the fact that there is a part of you that wants to forgive an indication that you value forgiveness, and feel you should forgive if you could? You also mentioned some resistance around forgiveness. Maybe clarifying what forgiveness means and doesn’t mean might be helpful. Does forgiveness mean a change of perspective about the person? Does it mean having a different emotional response to the person? Does it mean having a different kind of relationship to the person? These could be prompts to reflect upon in a journal, on a walk, or in a conversation with someone who is familiar with you and your situation.
Another consideration is the difference between psychologically releasing someone of their debt to you vs. re-initiating a relationship with the person you feel robbed you — and who may be capable of doing it again. You say your mom has changed, at least to some degree. The degree of change is important. It should probably affect your choices about how you want to conduct your relationship with her — if you have one at all.
What I will say is this: forgiveness and reconciliation are two distinct things. Forgiveness can be one-sided. You can forgive someone who isn't even sorry for what they've done. Reconciliation, on the other hand, generally involves the willing participation of both parties. Most people who I’ve worked with who have experienced profound forgiveness have gotten there through profound empathy for the perpetrator of the harm they have suffered. You can imagine that this is no small feat, especially in cases of serious neglect, cruelty, or abuse. And yet, I’ve seen it.
In the case of your mother, you can now look at her — an adult looking at another adult — and ask yourself, What could have driven a woman like this to drink so much? Also, How did becoming a parent, even if they thought it was a great gift, make things even more overwhelming for this person?
You mentioned that some part of you does not want to forgive. I don't know if it's true in your case, but it's easy to imagine wanting someone to suffer for making us suffer. Some people I’ve seen who have endured harm from a vindictive perpetrator have found that it was helpful to come to terms with the most vindictive parts of themselves — which, again, is very hard. There’s a reason for the popularity of the aphorism, “To err is human, to forgive is divine." Also for the aphorism, "There but for the grace of God go I." Forgiveness asks us to ask hard questions. Would I have done better in the situation of the person I’m not forgiving? How was some part of them just trying to survive?
It’s easy to say that flawed or abusive parents should never have had children, but nobody can know how difficult parenting is before they do it. It is frightening to contemplate, since we all owe our existence to our parents, but I think some people, perhaps even many people, would say they would not have become parents if they knew how difficult it would be, and that parenting revealed to them some of the most challenging parts of themselves.
Here's something you might be interested in.
Ask a Therapist: Should I forgive my mother?
She's different now, at least sort of different
Ask a Therapist: Should I forgive my mother?
She's different now, at least sort of different
Note: the content provided here is not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Content is presented in summary form, is general in nature, and is provided for educational and informational purposes only. Do not delay in seeking the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any concerns you may have regarding a medical, psychiatric, or psychological condition." On to the questions!
Hey Sam:
My mother was a mean, angry alcoholic while I was growing up. She’s different now, at least sort of different. She wants me to forgive her, but I am having a hard time forgiving, and part of me doesn’t actually want to. What should I do?
C.M., Pine Valley
First, I want to acknowledge the valid resentment and reservations around this relationship. I think every child has a right to an attentive and protective enough parent. Responsible parents make active efforts to ensure their child’s safety in body and mind, even if they can’t do this perfectly.
This doesn’t mean all parents have equal resources or circumstances that would ensure their success in meeting their responsibility. And yet, parents are accountable in the end for what they did and what they failed to do while their children were under their care. In my opinion, being raised by an alcoholic means being raised by someone with a harmful means of managing an underlying untreated mental illness. Often those most harmed are the vulnerable children living in the wake of the addict.
Your question leads me to wonder: is the fact that there is a part of you that wants to forgive an indication that you value forgiveness, and feel you should forgive if you could? You also mentioned some resistance around forgiveness. Maybe clarifying what forgiveness means and doesn’t mean might be helpful. Does forgiveness mean a change of perspective about the person? Does it mean having a different emotional response to the person? Does it mean having a different kind of relationship to the person? These could be prompts to reflect upon in a journal, on a walk, or in a conversation with someone who is familiar with you and your situation.
Another consideration is the difference between psychologically releasing someone of their debt to you vs. re-initiating a relationship with the person you feel robbed you — and who may be capable of doing it again. You say your mom has changed, at least to some degree. The degree of change is important. It should probably affect your choices about how you want to conduct your relationship with her — if you have one at all.
What I will say is this: forgiveness and reconciliation are two distinct things. Forgiveness can be one-sided. You can forgive someone who isn't even sorry for what they've done. Reconciliation, on the other hand, generally involves the willing participation of both parties. Most people who I’ve worked with who have experienced profound forgiveness have gotten there through profound empathy for the perpetrator of the harm they have suffered. You can imagine that this is no small feat, especially in cases of serious neglect, cruelty, or abuse. And yet, I’ve seen it.
In the case of your mother, you can now look at her — an adult looking at another adult — and ask yourself, What could have driven a woman like this to drink so much? Also, How did becoming a parent, even if they thought it was a great gift, make things even more overwhelming for this person?
You mentioned that some part of you does not want to forgive. I don't know if it's true in your case, but it's easy to imagine wanting someone to suffer for making us suffer. Some people I’ve seen who have endured harm from a vindictive perpetrator have found that it was helpful to come to terms with the most vindictive parts of themselves — which, again, is very hard. There’s a reason for the popularity of the aphorism, “To err is human, to forgive is divine." Also for the aphorism, "There but for the grace of God go I." Forgiveness asks us to ask hard questions. Would I have done better in the situation of the person I’m not forgiving? How was some part of them just trying to survive?
It’s easy to say that flawed or abusive parents should never have had children, but nobody can know how difficult parenting is before they do it. It is frightening to contemplate, since we all owe our existence to our parents, but I think some people, perhaps even many people, would say they would not have become parents if they knew how difficult it would be, and that parenting revealed to them some of the most challenging parts of themselves.
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