Mein affable hosts, Alex and Nikki.

“We’re eating British tonight, alright?” says Annie in that voice of hers.

It’s been a hard day. We’ve been working together. Both beat. She’s my friend. You’d think she was my wife. But hey, she’s Scottish. ’Nuff said. Tonight, though, she’s like a pilgrim with a purpose. I follow her up some steep steps behind India Street. “Where da heck?” I mutter.

“We’re visiting a little bit of home,” she says. “Mine, anyway.” At the top, I follow her through the back entrance of a building with no signs. We snake along a passage, then kinda burst into a bar crowded with patrons. They’re all nursing beers, but also jotting down notes onto paper pads.

“OK. Moving on. What was the battle fought between Robert The Bruce’s spider and Bannockburn?” This isn’t the exact question. Not by a long shot. But like all of them, it is about Scotland.

Now part of every British pub’s offerings: chicken curries like this.

“Yesterday was Robbie Burns day,” says Annie. “Our poet laureate. Everybody knows Robbie Burns. Yesterday we ate a haggis in his honor.” Whew. Missed that privilege by an inch. “And today, they have a quiz, about ‘the Bard,’” she says.

A man in a kilt waits a moment, then picks up a microphone. “Okay, what was the name of the farm that The Bard, Robbie Burns, and his brother farmed in Scotland?”

“So easy. Mossgeil Farm.” This is Annie, to me.

The Man in the kilt waits for everybody to stew over that one. Then it’s on to them next question. “What was the greatest victory the Scots had against the Sassanaks - the English?”

“Too easy!” Annie says loudly. “The Battle of Bannockburn.”

“Madam, can you keep it down a bit? You’re spoiling your own chances.”

Next question: “What is the last midnight of any year called, in Scotland?”

“OMG. When are we going to get a decent brain-teaser?” Annie’s on a roll.

My new favorite beer. Yorkshire, just south of Scotland.

“Hogmanay!” Comes from old French. Like “Hoguinané!” “Happy New Year’s Eve!” I swear. This gal is a walking encyclopedia — when it comes to Scotland, anyway. Wonder how much she knows about Scottish food. Or at least British food, because if there is such a thing, here has to be where you’d find it. So now we’re sitting at the bar, staring at the menus. Lawdie. Lotta items. First and maybe only Scottish thing is Scotch Egg, the whole boiled egg in a doughy jacket of sausage meat with cheese and tomatoes and pickled onions. Goes for $8.95.

The really British items have real, and usually naughty, street British names. Cod’s Bollocks is cod, seasoned with chives, onions, potatoes in beer batter ($9.95). Green beans in that beer batter with a jalapeño aioli go for $8.95. And maybe the ultimate British stomach-stuffer, sausage rolls, two in puff pastry, come in a dish by themselves for $9.95. And there’s always the British pub standby, the Ploughman’s Plate, with Gouda, cheddar and stilton, plus a Branson pickle and half a Scotch egg, for $15.95, but it’s good for sharing.

“This night? Colder than a witch’s…OK. It’s as cold as Edinburgh!” says Annie. “I need something hot,” So we cast our eyes about for more British-inspired food: Ah: The Great British Dip. Turns out to be thinly-sliced roast beef on a roll, with horseradish and gravy. Costs $12.95. Or the Big Ben Burger: half-pound patty with grilled onions, sautéed mushrooms, bleu, Swiss or cheddar cheese and a toasted onion bun. Not a bad deal at $13.95. Or hey, what would a British pub be without a Spotted Dick? That’s a dessert, of course. Steamed suet sponge pudding, with dried fruit and gloopy custard, $8.95, and cheap at the price!

Annie’s veggieburger. Looks beautiful. Annie wanted more flavor.

“No way,” says Annie. “I want something healthy and hot.

“Well, A Spotted Dick is hot,” I say.

“Don’t wanna think about it. Oh,” she says, “this will do.” She points to the Vegetarian burger ($11.95). It’s not what you’d think of as Pub Nosh, but it comes with sautéed baby spinach, red bell peppers, and feta cheese. “I was going to go for that other great British dish,” says Annie, “the vegetarian chicken tikka masala, but look at the price difference.” Oh yeah. It’s $19.95. Eight bucks more. I’m paying, so it’s nice to see she has good Scottish instincts.

Me, I decide to go uber-British: Bangers and Mash. Three pork sausages under sautéed onions and gravy, with mashed potatoes and — what else? — peas. Costs $19.95. And these dishes are, honestly, uber-good. Nothing remarkable, but plenty of it. Specially with a bottle of a beer that’s new to me: Samuel Smith’s Organic Chocolate Stout. From Yorkshire in England. Lovely and sweet. And goes so well with the herby taste of the bangers, which are generously large.

Annie, on the other hand, doesn’t have a lot of good things to say about the veggie burger. “No taste!’ she says. “This is Sassenach food! No wonder we Scots fight for independence!” She does, however, go for one of my bangers.

“All right! This is it for the Robbie Burns Quiz night!” says the man in the kilt, Stephen Lundie. His tartan is MacDuff. “Hand in your answer sheets, and the winner will get free tickets for two to the San Diego Scottish Highland Games.”

Annie hands in her quiz sheet. And guess what? Half an hour later, she wins! “Of course,” she says. “I used to be a tour guide in the highlands of Scotland. Know it all like the back of my hand.” There’s a little ceremony: Annie accepts the tickets. While she gets surrounded by admirers, I take a look around. My food was good, and exactly what you’d expect of British food. But, in a way, it’s not about the food. It’s really about the atmosphere. This place is British Pub distilled.

“Here,” says Annie. “I have been to so many Highland Games I could fairly toss a caper myself, all the way to Edinburgh. Honest, I couldn’t face another.” She hands me the tickets.

“So would you come back here?” I ask her.

“Oh sure. But not for a veggie burger. I will come back for the Spotted Dick.” ■

The Place: Shakespeare Pub, 3701 India Street, 619-2990231

Prices: Scotch Egg with pickled onions, $8.95; cod’s bollocks with chives, onions, potatoes, $9.95; green beans in beer batter, $8.95; sausage rolls, $9.95; Ploughman’s Plate (with Gouda, cheddar and stilton, cheeses, Branson pickle, half a Scotch egg), $15.95; The Great British Dip, (roast beef on a roll), $12.95; Big Ben Burger (half-pound patty with grilled onions, sautéed mushrooms, bleu cheese, $13.95; vegetarian burger, $11.95; vegetarian chicken tikka masala, $19.95; bangers and mash (three pork sausages), $19.95; Spotted Dick (steamed suet sponge pudding, custard), $8.95

Hours: 10:30am - 11pm (till midnight Friday; 8am - midnight Saturday; 8am - 10pm Sunday)

Bus: 10

Nearest Bus Stop: Washington and India