“Why would anyone want to come to Amerikkka? Turn back now while you still can!”

As the border crisis deepens and wave after wave of hopeful migrants crashes against Trump’s evil wall, President Biden has taken bold action to address the problem. “It’s clear these folks love America, or at least the idea of America,” he told a hastily-gathered cadre of antifa activists and other malcontents in a special address last week. “But you people live here, enjoying all the benefits they so desperately desire, and you hate America. What I need you to do is talk to them, set them straight, get ‘em on the right track — the one that leads back to wherever they came from. I’d ask you to do it for your country, but you hate your country. So I’m offering to pay you handsomely. Border security is infrastructure, after all. Besides, Portland already knows how you feel. Time to take your act on the road.”

And his stimulus had the desired effect on the unhappy citizens: “America is a fundamentally racist country; it’s systemic, woven into the very fabric of the founding,” said Martyr Washington, addressing a crowd of Hondurans who had walked from their native country to Tijuana in hopes of crossing the border during Biden’s 100-day deportation pause. “People of Color suffer in innumerable ways, some of which they don’t even realize — that’s how bad it is. Any trouble you’re having getting over the border is nothing compared to the trouble you would have if you actually made it in. America must change before it can really make you welcome. And frankly, there’s a danger that it won’t change until it has to — until people like you stop coming in and helping to perpetuate the systems and structures of injustice by participating in American life as it exists today. You have a chance to do some real good here by turning back and so making a statement that America is not worth your time and effort. If you do that, maybe your children will live to see the bright dawn of a new era. Maybe your grandchildren. But really, it’d be better if you didn’t breed at all. Overpopulation is the single biggest contributor to global warming, which is what President Biden says is driving all you people north, anyway.”