Quantcast
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Elliot Smith, Death Cab for Cutie, and an obscure, Milwaukee-based alternative hip-hop artist walk into a bar...

Make me laugh, or groan

Elliot Smith: slow and sad.
Elliot Smith: slow and sad.

Hey Hipster:

I haven’t heard a good hipster joke in a dog’s age. Make me laugh, or perhaps groan as the case may be.

— Bernie

I don’t know about all-out laughs, but if you want some groans, I have groaners the likes of which this world has never before been forced to hear. Never let it be said I didn’t wait until somebody affirmatively asked me to force these majestically terrible hipster jokes on all of you. On the bright side, with a large, turkey-themed holiday coming up, you can all take these jokes with you to amuse various drunk uncles and tipsy aunts.

Q: Why did the sweet little old lady need to push the button on her LifeAlert system during a tearful performance of “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” at the Death Cab for Cutie concert?

A: Because she fell and broke her hipster.

Q: What do you call a hipster who drinks too much complimentary box wine at a gallery opening and starts telling guests the featured artist is like “a poor man’s Banksy, but, you know, after he sold out”?

A: An Uber.

Q: What do you call a gymnast who thinks glitter is too mainstream, and who only performs slow, sad routines to Elliot Smith songs?

A: A flipster.

Q: What do you call an exotic dancer who thinks glitter is too mainstream, and who only performs slow, sad routines to Elliot Smith songs?

A: A stripster.

Q: How do you get a hipster’s head out of the clouds?

A: Take away his vape.

A hipster walks into a bar. He orders whatever nobody’s having.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Obscure, Milwaukee-based alternative hip-hop artist.

Obscure, Milwaukee-based alternative hip-hop artist who?

Exactly.

A young woman brought her hipster boyfriend to Thanksgiving dinner so he could meet her parents for the first time. The woman’s mother knew her daughter and the boyfriend had been living in a trendy, urban area, and the boyfriend worked at a restaurant where everything was made in-house, and where the servers were in the habit of sitting down at guests’ tables to take orders. The mother hoped to impress her daughter and the new boyfriend, so she went all out creating a hipster Thanksgiving feast. She brined the turkey in fair trade spices, local sea salt, and organic maple syrup. She made red eye gravy using coffee from a local, small-batch roaster. Rather than buying a premade pumpkin pie, she bought and processed fresh pumpkins for the filling. She handmade pie crusts using organic lard instead of shortening, and she made mince pie from an 18th-century recipe she discovered on a trendy blog. When everybody sat down to eat, the hipster boyfriend touched nothing but mashed potatoes and gravy. The mother was absolutely distraught, because she had spent hours rolling out pie crusts, marinating the handmade mince in brandy, pureeing pumpkin for the filling, and monitoring the turkey as it swam in its brine. After the meal, while the boyfriend was busy telling his girlfriend’s father about why he didn’t follow American football, but he thought rugby was pretty cool, the mother pulled her daughter aside and asked her if the boyfriend had hated her cooking, because he barely ate anything. “Oh, I’m sure he would have liked it,” the daughter replied, “but he won’t eat anything baked in a conventional oven.”

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

Corner Chicken spices up East Village

Tajima team embraces San Diego’s hot chicken moment
Next Article

Pandemic dating smalltalk

Stop talking about current events to the extent they concern public health in any way shape or form whatsoever
Elliot Smith: slow and sad.
Elliot Smith: slow and sad.

Hey Hipster:

I haven’t heard a good hipster joke in a dog’s age. Make me laugh, or perhaps groan as the case may be.

— Bernie

I don’t know about all-out laughs, but if you want some groans, I have groaners the likes of which this world has never before been forced to hear. Never let it be said I didn’t wait until somebody affirmatively asked me to force these majestically terrible hipster jokes on all of you. On the bright side, with a large, turkey-themed holiday coming up, you can all take these jokes with you to amuse various drunk uncles and tipsy aunts.

Q: Why did the sweet little old lady need to push the button on her LifeAlert system during a tearful performance of “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” at the Death Cab for Cutie concert?

A: Because she fell and broke her hipster.

Q: What do you call a hipster who drinks too much complimentary box wine at a gallery opening and starts telling guests the featured artist is like “a poor man’s Banksy, but, you know, after he sold out”?

A: An Uber.

Q: What do you call a gymnast who thinks glitter is too mainstream, and who only performs slow, sad routines to Elliot Smith songs?

A: A flipster.

Q: What do you call an exotic dancer who thinks glitter is too mainstream, and who only performs slow, sad routines to Elliot Smith songs?

A: A stripster.

Q: How do you get a hipster’s head out of the clouds?

A: Take away his vape.

A hipster walks into a bar. He orders whatever nobody’s having.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Obscure, Milwaukee-based alternative hip-hop artist.

Obscure, Milwaukee-based alternative hip-hop artist who?

Exactly.

A young woman brought her hipster boyfriend to Thanksgiving dinner so he could meet her parents for the first time. The woman’s mother knew her daughter and the boyfriend had been living in a trendy, urban area, and the boyfriend worked at a restaurant where everything was made in-house, and where the servers were in the habit of sitting down at guests’ tables to take orders. The mother hoped to impress her daughter and the new boyfriend, so she went all out creating a hipster Thanksgiving feast. She brined the turkey in fair trade spices, local sea salt, and organic maple syrup. She made red eye gravy using coffee from a local, small-batch roaster. Rather than buying a premade pumpkin pie, she bought and processed fresh pumpkins for the filling. She handmade pie crusts using organic lard instead of shortening, and she made mince pie from an 18th-century recipe she discovered on a trendy blog. When everybody sat down to eat, the hipster boyfriend touched nothing but mashed potatoes and gravy. The mother was absolutely distraught, because she had spent hours rolling out pie crusts, marinating the handmade mince in brandy, pureeing pumpkin for the filling, and monitoring the turkey as it swam in its brine. After the meal, while the boyfriend was busy telling his girlfriend’s father about why he didn’t follow American football, but he thought rugby was pretty cool, the mother pulled her daughter aside and asked her if the boyfriend had hated her cooking, because he barely ate anything. “Oh, I’m sure he would have liked it,” the daughter replied, “but he won’t eat anything baked in a conventional oven.”

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

More on Orange County vs. Del Mar fair money

What Ed Bedford thinks of Governor Newsom
Next Article

No longer a David, Stone Brewing recast as a Goliath

The foe of big beer tangles with small breweries over trademarks, including a local IPA
Comments
0

Be the first to leave a comment.

Sign in to comment

Sign in

Art Reviews — W.S. Di Piero's eye on exhibits Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Best Buys — San Diego shopping Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits City Lights — News and politics Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Famous Former Neighbors — Next-door celebs Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town Here's the Deal — Chad Deal's watering holes Just Announced — The scoop on shows Letters — Our inbox [email protected] — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Of Note — Concert picks Out & About — What's Happening Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Pour Over — Grab a cup Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer News — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Set 'em Up Joe — Bartenders' drink recipes Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Sports — Athletics without gush Street Style — San Diego streets have style Suit Up — Fashion tips for dudes Theater Reviews — Local productions Theater antireviews — Narrow your search Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Waterfront — All things ocean Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close