Quantcast
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Cheeky imponderables

Should I stay or should I go?

Hipster Imponderables
Hipster Imponderables

Let’s get the New Year rolling with some cheeky imponderables, shall we?

Dear Hipster:

What is the difference between cashing in and selling out?

— Dan

It’s like the difference between making your dreams a reality and trading in your dreams for someone else’s. More pointedly, when the world discovers your coolness, and wants to pay you for it, you’re cashing in; but if you’re piling on to someone else’s coolness hoping for a piece of the pie, you’re selling out.

Dear Hipster:

How do you tell whether people are laughing with you or laughing at you?

— Lauren

If you don’t get the joke, it’s all too often the latter.

Dear Hipster:

Should I stay or should I go?

— Joe

That depends almost entirely on whether or not you brought your own beer.

Dear Hipster:

How many hipsters can dance on the head of a pin?

— Devin

The average pin holds ‘n’ hipsters where n = ((t)(y) - 1) / x.

In the equation, ‘t’ represents the time you heard about the underground party. ‘y’ represents the number of people who heard about the party before you did, and ‘x’ marks the spot where the band started playing Lynyrd Skynyrd covers instead of their original tunes because some asshole yelled “Play Freebird!” at the top of his lungs.

Dear Hipster:

What was before the Big Bang?

— Eve

Whatever it was, there’s some insufferable hipster out there who has been “over it” ever since matter started expanding outward from a super-condensed gas state, coalescing into the known universe over the course of a fourteen-billion year cosmic ray-fueled bender. If you listen carefully to the cosmic microwave background, you can faintly hear a nonplussed voice whispering about how “pretty much everything after Singularity” is too mainstream.

Dear Hipster:

What happens if an unstoppable hipster meets an immovable, mainstream basic bro?

— Larry

They collaborate on a pop-up “experience” where you can get Michelob Ultra micheladas, do some CrossFit, and listen half-ironically to that Disturbed song that goes “ooh wah ah ah ah!

Dear Hipster:

If a hipster barber charges $45 to shave a hipster who doesn’t shave himself, but he charges $48 to shave a hipster who does shave himself, then what does the barber charge himself for a shave?

— Ed

Trick question. He gives himself the “industry discount,” and trades for a quart of handmade kombucha and a copy of his mixtape.

Dear Hipster:

If a starving hipster can only choose between a roast beef sandwich and a ham sandwich to prevent his death by starvation, but he’s not eating gluten and/or on a keto diet, which sandwich does he choose?

— Brad

Simple. He eats both sandwiches, suffers intolerably, pens a heartfelt jeremiad to the unavailability of breadless lunch options in his local urban community and publishes it in the local alt-weekly, attracts funding through a carefully orchestrated Kickstarter campaign, develops a line of artisan lettuce wraps, sells the idea to Starbucks, profits enormously, and ultimately produces a short biopic called That’s a Wrap! How One Man’s Lettuce Vision Changed America.

Some might call it cheating, but I call it “thinking outside the box.”

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

Mexico after the millenium

Smuggling, TJ nightlife, deported, TJ as hip destination, can't stop thinking about TJ, cross-border kidnapping
Hipster Imponderables
Hipster Imponderables

Let’s get the New Year rolling with some cheeky imponderables, shall we?

Dear Hipster:

What is the difference between cashing in and selling out?

— Dan

It’s like the difference between making your dreams a reality and trading in your dreams for someone else’s. More pointedly, when the world discovers your coolness, and wants to pay you for it, you’re cashing in; but if you’re piling on to someone else’s coolness hoping for a piece of the pie, you’re selling out.

Dear Hipster:

How do you tell whether people are laughing with you or laughing at you?

— Lauren

If you don’t get the joke, it’s all too often the latter.

Dear Hipster:

Should I stay or should I go?

— Joe

That depends almost entirely on whether or not you brought your own beer.

Dear Hipster:

How many hipsters can dance on the head of a pin?

— Devin

The average pin holds ‘n’ hipsters where n = ((t)(y) - 1) / x.

In the equation, ‘t’ represents the time you heard about the underground party. ‘y’ represents the number of people who heard about the party before you did, and ‘x’ marks the spot where the band started playing Lynyrd Skynyrd covers instead of their original tunes because some asshole yelled “Play Freebird!” at the top of his lungs.

Dear Hipster:

What was before the Big Bang?

— Eve

Whatever it was, there’s some insufferable hipster out there who has been “over it” ever since matter started expanding outward from a super-condensed gas state, coalescing into the known universe over the course of a fourteen-billion year cosmic ray-fueled bender. If you listen carefully to the cosmic microwave background, you can faintly hear a nonplussed voice whispering about how “pretty much everything after Singularity” is too mainstream.

Dear Hipster:

What happens if an unstoppable hipster meets an immovable, mainstream basic bro?

— Larry

They collaborate on a pop-up “experience” where you can get Michelob Ultra micheladas, do some CrossFit, and listen half-ironically to that Disturbed song that goes “ooh wah ah ah ah!

Dear Hipster:

If a hipster barber charges $45 to shave a hipster who doesn’t shave himself, but he charges $48 to shave a hipster who does shave himself, then what does the barber charge himself for a shave?

— Ed

Trick question. He gives himself the “industry discount,” and trades for a quart of handmade kombucha and a copy of his mixtape.

Dear Hipster:

If a starving hipster can only choose between a roast beef sandwich and a ham sandwich to prevent his death by starvation, but he’s not eating gluten and/or on a keto diet, which sandwich does he choose?

— Brad

Simple. He eats both sandwiches, suffers intolerably, pens a heartfelt jeremiad to the unavailability of breadless lunch options in his local urban community and publishes it in the local alt-weekly, attracts funding through a carefully orchestrated Kickstarter campaign, develops a line of artisan lettuce wraps, sells the idea to Starbucks, profits enormously, and ultimately produces a short biopic called That’s a Wrap! How One Man’s Lettuce Vision Changed America.

Some might call it cheating, but I call it “thinking outside the box.”

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Two poems by Julia Wehner

A reminder of how richly good it is to feel, and to live
Next Article

Oceanside – eclecticism reigns

Oceanside Blvd. beach rip-rap, Fire Mountain incursion, airport death, growing up in Camp Pendleton housing, Oceanside Pier, Samoan gangs, Saint Malo, harbor vs. surfers
Comments
0

Be the first to leave a comment.

Sign in to comment

Sign in

Art Reviews — W.S. Di Piero's eye on exhibits Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Best Buys — San Diego shopping Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits City Lights — News and politics Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Famous Former Neighbors — Next-door celebs Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town Here's the Deal — Chad Deal's watering holes Just Announced — The scoop on shows Letters — Our inbox [email protected] — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Of Note — Concert picks Out & About — What's Happening Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Pour Over — Grab a cup Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer News — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Set 'em Up Joe — Bartenders' drink recipes Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Sports — Athletics without gush Street Style — San Diego streets have style Suit Up — Fashion tips for dudes Theater Reviews — Local productions Theater antireviews — Narrow your search Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Waterfront — All things ocean Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close