Dear Hipster: I have been pondering animals of late. Specifically, I have had large, predatory mammals on my mind. Mostly, I have been thinking about bears and the many ways in which they are probably the most badass of all the animals. But, then I also thought about wolves, which might actually be the most badass animals. Please help, which is more badass, bears or wolves? — Derek
Okay, as super random as this request is, I will play along. Conventional methods of measuring animal BQ (Badass Quotient) often fail to account for hipster priorities. For example, if it were just a matter of determining who would win in a fight, bears come out the clear victor. However, when you consider the matter in terms of sheer howling ability, the wolves have a clear advantage. Unsatisfactory as these methods are, Hipster BQ of any given animal is best measured by gauging the animal’s suitability for display on ironic T-shirts. When displayed in triplicate, howling before a turgid moon, the wolf is the most badass of all the ironic T-shirt animals. Bears just can’t hang.