Quantcast
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

A blunderbuss-load of errata

No query too obtuse, no question too droll, no answer too useless

Is it a bigger waste of time to knit a sweater for a chicken or crochet socks for your cat?
Is it a bigger waste of time to knit a sweater for a chicken or crochet socks for your cat?

Nothing warms my heart in the dead of winter more than the random questions y’all propound upon me throughout the year. I refuse to believe you’re just messing with me. Instead, I think of this as an adventure we go on together, exploring the strange worlds of obscure jokes and ironic humor. I save them up, compile a blunderbuss-load of errata, and answer them all at once. What will you all think of next?

  • Dear Hipster:
  • Who invented the mic drop?
  • — Sara
  • Dear Hipster:
  • When was the high-five invented?
  • — Dennis
  • Dear Hipster:
  • Which came first, the shimmy or the shake?
  • — Anna
  • Dear Hipster:
  • Is hockey the soccer of winter, or is soccer the hockey of summer?
  • — Elvis

OKAY! [cracks knucks] Let’s do this.

They say, or, more accurately, one dude on Salon.com says, Eddie Murphy invented the mic drop. I don’t know for sure, but I do know, generally speaking, people abuse the heck out of the mic drop. I’m looking at you, random Instagrammer who thinks your Sunday brunch earns you a mic-drop emoji. Trust me, nothing could be further from show-stopping. NEXT!

Back in the day, when the first bro emerged from the primordial keg party, he extended his hand upwards, shielding his eyes from the harsh light of day, which hurt his hangover and was a total bummer. The second bro, having likewise abiogenerated himself from the primeval bash, witnessed his brother’s skyward-facing palm and could not help but crush it in celebration of the number of Natty Lights they collectively demolished the night before. Thus, the high-five was born. NEXT!

Trick question. A shimmy is just a shake with sex appeal. Can’t fool me. NEXT!

I fail to see anything wasteful about knitting chicken sweaters or cat socks. I mean, what self-respecting hipster wouldn’t prioritize these magnificent activities over the crappy stuff — like paying taxes and getting root canals — that mainstream people always seem eager to do? Although, if I may put on my business-consultant trousers for a second, I’d advise potential petware yarncrafters to note the thriving Etsy market for chicken sweaters. There’s a lot of competition out there. NEXT!

Finally, let’s just say hockey is curling with more fights, and soccer is just warm, bouncy curling with fewer fights. In the cosmic scheme of things, everything is just curling when you strip away the pomp and circumstance, the six-figure salaries, the private jets, and the locker-room antics.

Well, that’s all the randomness we have time for today, kids, but don’t hesitate to send your inquiries. In this life, there’s no query too obtuse, no question too droll, and no answer too useless to augment the world’s reserve of hipster knowledge.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

What a teachers union has done to Gompers

29 teachers laid off in June, re-hired in July
Next Article

Morgan Freeman as an extraterrestrial diplomat

You know the aliens have seen The Shawshank Redemption
Is it a bigger waste of time to knit a sweater for a chicken or crochet socks for your cat?
Is it a bigger waste of time to knit a sweater for a chicken or crochet socks for your cat?

Nothing warms my heart in the dead of winter more than the random questions y’all propound upon me throughout the year. I refuse to believe you’re just messing with me. Instead, I think of this as an adventure we go on together, exploring the strange worlds of obscure jokes and ironic humor. I save them up, compile a blunderbuss-load of errata, and answer them all at once. What will you all think of next?

  • Dear Hipster:
  • Who invented the mic drop?
  • — Sara
  • Dear Hipster:
  • When was the high-five invented?
  • — Dennis
  • Dear Hipster:
  • Which came first, the shimmy or the shake?
  • — Anna
  • Dear Hipster:
  • Is hockey the soccer of winter, or is soccer the hockey of summer?
  • — Elvis

OKAY! [cracks knucks] Let’s do this.

They say, or, more accurately, one dude on Salon.com says, Eddie Murphy invented the mic drop. I don’t know for sure, but I do know, generally speaking, people abuse the heck out of the mic drop. I’m looking at you, random Instagrammer who thinks your Sunday brunch earns you a mic-drop emoji. Trust me, nothing could be further from show-stopping. NEXT!

Back in the day, when the first bro emerged from the primordial keg party, he extended his hand upwards, shielding his eyes from the harsh light of day, which hurt his hangover and was a total bummer. The second bro, having likewise abiogenerated himself from the primeval bash, witnessed his brother’s skyward-facing palm and could not help but crush it in celebration of the number of Natty Lights they collectively demolished the night before. Thus, the high-five was born. NEXT!

Trick question. A shimmy is just a shake with sex appeal. Can’t fool me. NEXT!

I fail to see anything wasteful about knitting chicken sweaters or cat socks. I mean, what self-respecting hipster wouldn’t prioritize these magnificent activities over the crappy stuff — like paying taxes and getting root canals — that mainstream people always seem eager to do? Although, if I may put on my business-consultant trousers for a second, I’d advise potential petware yarncrafters to note the thriving Etsy market for chicken sweaters. There’s a lot of competition out there. NEXT!

Finally, let’s just say hockey is curling with more fights, and soccer is just warm, bouncy curling with fewer fights. In the cosmic scheme of things, everything is just curling when you strip away the pomp and circumstance, the six-figure salaries, the private jets, and the locker-room antics.

Well, that’s all the randomness we have time for today, kids, but don’t hesitate to send your inquiries. In this life, there’s no query too obtuse, no question too droll, and no answer too useless to augment the world’s reserve of hipster knowledge.

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Morgan Freeman as an extraterrestrial diplomat

You know the aliens have seen The Shawshank Redemption
Next Article

Thai Joints rule in the Heights

Pick up or delivery, Thai fans have it good on Adams Avenue
Comments
3

I think the big Etsy pet market is dog attire. And do the dogs really like it?

Feb. 28, 2018

I've never seen a doggo who looked happier in his bandana than without on. Just sayin.

March 7, 2018

Right. Dog clothes are for the dog owners' pleasure, not their dogs.

March 7, 2018

Sign in to comment

Sign in

Art Reviews — W.S. Di Piero's eye on exhibits Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Best Buys — San Diego shopping Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits City Lights — News and politics Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Famous Former Neighbors — Next-door celebs Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town Here's the Deal — Chad Deal's watering holes Just Announced — The scoop on shows Letters — Our inbox [email protected] — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Of Note — Concert picks Out & About — What's Happening Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Pour Over — Grab a cup Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer News — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Set 'em Up Joe — Bartenders' drink recipes Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Sports — Athletics without gush Street Style — San Diego streets have style Suit Up — Fashion tips for dudes Theater Reviews — Local productions Theater antireviews — Narrow your search Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Waterfront — All things ocean Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close