Alcoholism! Child abuse! Anal fetishism! Smoking! Bestiality! Suicide! Opioid abuse! Transgender latrines! White Supwemacy! The cartoons we grew up on were a celebration of evil, a microcosmic cesspool of all of America's ills distilled to seven-minute doses and populated by adorable woodland creatures aimed at hooking impressionable minds.
That is why I am delighted to report that moviegoers — well, make that one moviegoer in England is standing up to a heinous creation — a cartoon that actually goes so far as to endorse allergy bullying. The film to which I refer is, of course, the vile and loathsome Peter Rabbit.
Four stars! What was I thinking? Only a monster would go so far as to endorse a family picture in which a character's anaphylaxis to blueberries is mocked! What kind of message do they think this sends to the film's target audience? It's enough to make one want to shove a gun down a duck's throat and blow its beak into the New Year...or at least the other side of its head.
How insensitive must these filmmakers be? Who does their research? Don't they know that according to the American Academy of Allergy, Asthma, and Immunology there's been "only one reported case of allergy to blueberries." Yet the creatures at Sony Pictures Animation have the audacity to single this person out as a source of mockery. Sad.
If Mr. Spielberg can digitally remove the guns from E.T.: The Extra Testicle, surely the people at Sony Pictures Animation can excise these highly offensive scenes and replace them with clips of Barney the Dinosaur or footage of real-life bunnies rolling in clover, or whatever it is real-life bunnies do.
To that little British waif whose life was forever marred by Peter Rabbit, buck up. This Friday sees the arrival of Early Man, a cartoon that not only extols the evils of fluoridation, there's nothing even remotely discourteous (or entertaining) about it!
As a public service, I submit the following list of offenses gathered from 20 cartoons, the negatives of which should at best be cut into guitar pics or at worst be rated NC-17.