Quantcast
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Hook me up to Cap'n Crunch

One food every day for the rest of my life

 I want to lacerate my gums.
I want to lacerate my gums.

Dear Hipster: If you had to eat one food every day for the rest of your life, what would it be? — Dan

Apparently I’m being forced, most likely at gunpoint or other annihilatory threat, to make such a wretched choice, so, eff it, as the polite kids say. Hook me up that Cap’n Crunch.

Yeah, sure, it’s tempting to pick something ludicrously expensive, like subsisting solely on beluga caviar, black truffles, or black-market foie gras as a means of secretly bankrupting the monster who forced me to select a single form of sustenance for the rest of my days. And yet, it would be a hollow pleasure; hence, the breakfast cereal.

I don’t care that it’s basically freeze-dried corn sugar, utterly bereft of nutritional value and extruded into whimsical shapes in a ruthless bid to win the hearts of children (and the pocketbooks of their parents). I don’t care that I will probably succumb to a fatal insulin coma after just a year or two of the all-cereal-all-the-time diet. I don’t care at all, because if some hypothetical despot is going to force me onto a monotypical boredom diet, I want to lacerate my gums with the razor-sharp edges of Cap’n Crunch. I don’t care whether or not Apple Jacks tasted like apples in the 1990s, I want to race just ahead of the impending sogginess, shoveling little, extruded, processed-food-product hoops, rings, pads, squares, and pillows into my mouth as fast as I can work a spoon.

If I’m going to suffer a forced diet, I’m going out with all the glee of a seven-year-old on Saturday morning with unlimited TV time, a whole box of Cocoa Puffs, and not a care in the world.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

Antebellum: Janelle Monáe’s Moment

If one must remake a movie, make sure it’s a bad one.
 I want to lacerate my gums.
I want to lacerate my gums.

Dear Hipster: If you had to eat one food every day for the rest of your life, what would it be? — Dan

Apparently I’m being forced, most likely at gunpoint or other annihilatory threat, to make such a wretched choice, so, eff it, as the polite kids say. Hook me up that Cap’n Crunch.

Yeah, sure, it’s tempting to pick something ludicrously expensive, like subsisting solely on beluga caviar, black truffles, or black-market foie gras as a means of secretly bankrupting the monster who forced me to select a single form of sustenance for the rest of my days. And yet, it would be a hollow pleasure; hence, the breakfast cereal.

I don’t care that it’s basically freeze-dried corn sugar, utterly bereft of nutritional value and extruded into whimsical shapes in a ruthless bid to win the hearts of children (and the pocketbooks of their parents). I don’t care that I will probably succumb to a fatal insulin coma after just a year or two of the all-cereal-all-the-time diet. I don’t care at all, because if some hypothetical despot is going to force me onto a monotypical boredom diet, I want to lacerate my gums with the razor-sharp edges of Cap’n Crunch. I don’t care whether or not Apple Jacks tasted like apples in the 1990s, I want to race just ahead of the impending sogginess, shoveling little, extruded, processed-food-product hoops, rings, pads, squares, and pillows into my mouth as fast as I can work a spoon.

If I’m going to suffer a forced diet, I’m going out with all the glee of a seven-year-old on Saturday morning with unlimited TV time, a whole box of Cocoa Puffs, and not a care in the world.

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Let the wine make itself

“Let’s get cracking. It’s time for racking!”
Next Article

Nathan Fletcher, wife Lorena Gonzalez, and Ben Hueso roll in dough

Faulconer turns off police access to hidden cameras
Comments
0

Be the first to leave a comment.

Sign in to comment

Sign in

Art Reviews — W.S. Di Piero's eye on exhibits Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Best Buys — San Diego shopping Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits City Lights — News and politics Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Famous Former Neighbors — Next-door celebs Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town Here's the Deal — Chad Deal's watering holes Just Announced — The scoop on shows Letters — Our inbox [email protected] — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Of Note — Concert picks Out & About — What's Happening Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Pour Over — Grab a cup Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Set 'em Up Joe — Bartenders' drink recipes Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Sports — Athletics without gush Street Style — San Diego streets have style Suit Up — Fashion tips for dudes Theater Reviews — Local productions Theater antireviews — Narrow your search Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Waterfront — All things ocean Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close