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Ballast Point reassures customers following $1 billion sale to Constellation

"Nothing will change."

Well, maybe one tiny thing…
Well, maybe one tiny thing…

Statement from Ballast Point brewmeister Hanz Grabbencoin:

Ballast Point Brewing & Spirits started in the back of a home-brew supply store, and we promise not to forget that, now that we've been bought by the company that owns Corona and Pacifico. It's true that we can now use twenties to mop up spills in the brewery, but like Three 6 Mafia says, "Money Didn't Change Me." The good people at Constellation have assured us that, pending approval by their board of governors, stockholders, brand management team, finance department, marketing department, production consultant workshop, and drinks division manager, we will maintain complete control over our own operations. Yes, we're going to double production, and then probably double it again after that. But we don't see why that should be any cause for concern. Because you can't make too much of a good thing.

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Well, maybe one tiny thing…
Well, maybe one tiny thing…

Statement from Ballast Point brewmeister Hanz Grabbencoin:

Ballast Point Brewing & Spirits started in the back of a home-brew supply store, and we promise not to forget that, now that we've been bought by the company that owns Corona and Pacifico. It's true that we can now use twenties to mop up spills in the brewery, but like Three 6 Mafia says, "Money Didn't Change Me." The good people at Constellation have assured us that, pending approval by their board of governors, stockholders, brand management team, finance department, marketing department, production consultant workshop, and drinks division manager, we will maintain complete control over our own operations. Yes, we're going to double production, and then probably double it again after that. But we don't see why that should be any cause for concern. Because you can't make too much of a good thing.

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Luis Urrea daydreams of San Diego, Oklahoma girl spends summers on Bonair Street

We buy a $120,000 hoiuse in El Cerrito, an incurable eavesdropper, lives of a beautiful girl and a fat boy in San Diego
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Comments
1

As far as satire goes, you didn't make even half of the points you could have made. These corporate takeovers can spawn some real contradictions. Yes, you can "make too much of a good thing" if you fudge your standards at the edges. Ah, Ballast Point, what now?

Nov. 21, 2015

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