For the Watch.
I have one friend who is an unstoppable force of TV and movie spoiling. He even spoiled the Game of Thrones finale for me! Unacceptable! He claims that he is powerless in the matter, that the spoilers just slip out, but I can’t abide this anymore. How do I pre-empt his spoiling behaviors and still remain friends with anything to talk about?
— Patrick, Old Town
Easy. Repeatedly stab him in the stomach while muttering, “For the Watch.”
But seriously, you’d think spoilers would be no big deal, considering the 2011 UCSD study that seemingly proved people enjoy stories more, not less, when they know the plot twist ahead of time. Yet, despite the fact that science tells us we all unknowingly want to know Vader is Luke’s father, people continually avoid TV and movie spoilers like the diseased offspring of post-apocalyptic sub-humans. And the more vehement our outcries against movie spoilage, the greater becomes the temptation for would-be spoilsports.
The simple solution to your problem is to transcend spoilers. Just as the hipster rises above the petty concerns of the mainstream, you must achieve a zen state of pop cultural awareness. If you tap into the sublime power of hipster detachment, you will be free to enjoy your favorite shows because they won’t matter quite so much. After all, what is there to spoil if you are already over it before you even know what it is? Few have the will power to ultimate hipster nonchalance, so you should always be prepared to cover your ears and belt out the chorus to Radiohead’s “No Surprises” as an emergency anti-spoiler countermeasure. I’m told it’s foolproof. I’ve also heard that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.