Quantcast
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

How Your Capsule-Review Sausage Gets Made: Godzilla

A peek behind the curtain!
A peek behind the curtain!
Embiggened!

I usually leave the sparring to my partner Scott Marks — he’s got more spleen, and better references, besides. But it’s a slow news week, and I’m feeling spunky. Godzilla came out last Friday, and it’s making lots of money, so it must be good. But I didn’t much care for it. Here’s my review:

"Family is all that matters. Well, that and uncovering foreign conspiracies."

“Why do you want to see Godzilla? Is it to see an embiggened update of the famous radioactive lizard? Is it to hear a tweaked, booming, maybe-recognizable version of the famous squeal? Is it to see the big guy breathe his famous nuclear fire? Then step right up! Is it to see awesome monster battles and catastrophic urban destruction? To experience vicarious terror as tiny humans cower and perish before the onslaught of nightmarish natural forces? Well, there’s some of that, I guess. Is it to nod in appreciation over an updated exploration of nuclear anxiety in the wake of Fukushima? To delight in the perfectly pitched performances of fine actors like Bryan Cranston and Ken Watanabe in an old-fashioned monster movie? Um, not so much. Anyway. Godzilla is now the only alpha predator besides man who doesn’t eat what he hunts. But somehow he still exists to restore the balance to nature — even if that means saving humanity and its practice of nuclear fission. Bonkers and boring. Oh, well. At least there’s a nice lesson about the importance of family.”

First Google Image result for "Easiest job in the world."

And here’s a comment from Michael Eric Carlson that got 14 likes on Facebook: “Matthew Lickona can lickona my balls. Two thirds of your review were questions...you have the easiest job on the planet and your [sic] awful at it, congrats.” John Koser (10 likes) chimed in with “One of the fucking worst reviews I have ever read. You don’t even offer any legitimate criticism in this ‘review.’“ Thanks, fellas!

"Godzilla" is actually a Hanna-Barbarian word that means "terrible lizard movie."

How did I come to produce such a lousy review? Glad you asked. I go to a lot of screenings, and it’s super-duper rare for an audience to applaud in the middle of a film. For Godzilla, they applauded twice. For a terrible movie filled with terrible scripting and terrible acting and terrible plotting and oodles of stupid exposition and scads of pointless, stupid moments. Amazing!

Monster battles!

Well, I thought, they must be getting what they came for. So that’s how I pitched my review. Hence the questions that so irked Mr. Carlson. I wanted to let people know that they’d get their iconic moments of Godzilla action but that the battles and carnage were so-so and the acting and story were just bad and dumb, respectively.

"Our bad reviews and pointed criticisms are useless against it!"

About the dumb story: I didn’t want people to simply take my word for it, so I gave an example from the movie. Godzilla is held up as a force of nature, an alpha predator who can be counted on to keep things in balance. Sort of the way lions cull the antelope herds, I guess. But it’s a funny sort of predator who doesn’t eat what he hunts. Instead, Godzilla seems to act more like a defender of humanity, even though he and his prey have existed since long before humans walked the Earth.

Hey there, Chernobyl pig! Bet you wish there'd been a radiation-eating bug around in your day, huh?

Oh, and the nature that Godzilla exists to keep in balance? I wonder how it felt about Chernobyl, or Fukushima, or the BP oil-rig disaster, or the Exxon Valdez, or nuclear test bombing, or any of the other things humanity has done to the planet. If your mission in life was to preserve the balance in nature, who would you go after: a couple of gigantic bugs who just want to make babies or the species that melted the polar ice caps, chopped down the rain forest, and perforated the ozone layer? I’m a lousy environmentalist, but why does Godzilla hate the bugs and not the people? If anything, the bugs are restoring the balance — by eating all our nuclear waste. As I said, bonkers.

Video:

Godzilla: Asia Trailer [HD]

As for “boring” — well, it’s an assertion, I admit. But a number of my fellow critics agreed. “Strangely unthrilling.” — Daily Mail. “Even the most spectacle-hungry viewer is going to get bored.” — Independent. “Bloated and often boring.” — People. “Appreciation of a movie like this requires an almost morbid degree of connoisseurship, which may, in practice, be hard to distinguish from bored acquiescence.” - The New York Times. The list goes on.

And I wasn’t kidding about the lesson on the importance of family. Bryan Cranston’s character, who has abandoned his role as grandfather in order to prove his theories about a government cover-up, tells his son that protecting his family is all that matters.

Isn’t that nice? He learned something!

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

Music follows nature – the Moldau, Central Asia's steppes, the Alps, the Appian Way , cliffs of Cornwall

We find Siegfried resting under a linden tree
A peek behind the curtain!
A peek behind the curtain!
Embiggened!

I usually leave the sparring to my partner Scott Marks — he’s got more spleen, and better references, besides. But it’s a slow news week, and I’m feeling spunky. Godzilla came out last Friday, and it’s making lots of money, so it must be good. But I didn’t much care for it. Here’s my review:

"Family is all that matters. Well, that and uncovering foreign conspiracies."

“Why do you want to see Godzilla? Is it to see an embiggened update of the famous radioactive lizard? Is it to hear a tweaked, booming, maybe-recognizable version of the famous squeal? Is it to see the big guy breathe his famous nuclear fire? Then step right up! Is it to see awesome monster battles and catastrophic urban destruction? To experience vicarious terror as tiny humans cower and perish before the onslaught of nightmarish natural forces? Well, there’s some of that, I guess. Is it to nod in appreciation over an updated exploration of nuclear anxiety in the wake of Fukushima? To delight in the perfectly pitched performances of fine actors like Bryan Cranston and Ken Watanabe in an old-fashioned monster movie? Um, not so much. Anyway. Godzilla is now the only alpha predator besides man who doesn’t eat what he hunts. But somehow he still exists to restore the balance to nature — even if that means saving humanity and its practice of nuclear fission. Bonkers and boring. Oh, well. At least there’s a nice lesson about the importance of family.”

First Google Image result for "Easiest job in the world."

And here’s a comment from Michael Eric Carlson that got 14 likes on Facebook: “Matthew Lickona can lickona my balls. Two thirds of your review were questions...you have the easiest job on the planet and your [sic] awful at it, congrats.” John Koser (10 likes) chimed in with “One of the fucking worst reviews I have ever read. You don’t even offer any legitimate criticism in this ‘review.’“ Thanks, fellas!

"Godzilla" is actually a Hanna-Barbarian word that means "terrible lizard movie."

How did I come to produce such a lousy review? Glad you asked. I go to a lot of screenings, and it’s super-duper rare for an audience to applaud in the middle of a film. For Godzilla, they applauded twice. For a terrible movie filled with terrible scripting and terrible acting and terrible plotting and oodles of stupid exposition and scads of pointless, stupid moments. Amazing!

Monster battles!

Well, I thought, they must be getting what they came for. So that’s how I pitched my review. Hence the questions that so irked Mr. Carlson. I wanted to let people know that they’d get their iconic moments of Godzilla action but that the battles and carnage were so-so and the acting and story were just bad and dumb, respectively.

"Our bad reviews and pointed criticisms are useless against it!"

About the dumb story: I didn’t want people to simply take my word for it, so I gave an example from the movie. Godzilla is held up as a force of nature, an alpha predator who can be counted on to keep things in balance. Sort of the way lions cull the antelope herds, I guess. But it’s a funny sort of predator who doesn’t eat what he hunts. Instead, Godzilla seems to act more like a defender of humanity, even though he and his prey have existed since long before humans walked the Earth.

Hey there, Chernobyl pig! Bet you wish there'd been a radiation-eating bug around in your day, huh?

Oh, and the nature that Godzilla exists to keep in balance? I wonder how it felt about Chernobyl, or Fukushima, or the BP oil-rig disaster, or the Exxon Valdez, or nuclear test bombing, or any of the other things humanity has done to the planet. If your mission in life was to preserve the balance in nature, who would you go after: a couple of gigantic bugs who just want to make babies or the species that melted the polar ice caps, chopped down the rain forest, and perforated the ozone layer? I’m a lousy environmentalist, but why does Godzilla hate the bugs and not the people? If anything, the bugs are restoring the balance — by eating all our nuclear waste. As I said, bonkers.

Video:

Godzilla: Asia Trailer [HD]

As for “boring” — well, it’s an assertion, I admit. But a number of my fellow critics agreed. “Strangely unthrilling.” — Daily Mail. “Even the most spectacle-hungry viewer is going to get bored.” — Independent. “Bloated and often boring.” — People. “Appreciation of a movie like this requires an almost morbid degree of connoisseurship, which may, in practice, be hard to distinguish from bored acquiescence.” - The New York Times. The list goes on.

And I wasn’t kidding about the lesson on the importance of family. Bryan Cranston’s character, who has abandoned his role as grandfather in order to prove his theories about a government cover-up, tells his son that protecting his family is all that matters.

Isn’t that nice? He learned something!

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Mexico after the millenium

Smuggling, TJ nightlife, deported, TJ as hip destination, can't stop thinking about TJ, cross-border kidnapping
Next Article

San Diego Lotharios rejoice at news of mandatory 10 pm nightlife shutdown

Closed Doors = Closed Deals
Comments
1

You have the easiest job! Just say if you liked it! What do you mean you don't like it? Why are you asking questions? JUST SAY YOU LOVE GODZILLA

May 22, 2014

Sign in to comment

Sign in

Art Reviews — W.S. Di Piero's eye on exhibits Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Best Buys — San Diego shopping Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits City Lights — News and politics Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Famous Former Neighbors — Next-door celebs Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town Here's the Deal — Chad Deal's watering holes Just Announced — The scoop on shows Letters — Our inbox [email protected] — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Of Note — Concert picks Out & About — What's Happening Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Pour Over — Grab a cup Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer News — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Set 'em Up Joe — Bartenders' drink recipes Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Sports — Athletics without gush Street Style — San Diego streets have style Suit Up — Fashion tips for dudes Theater Reviews — Local productions Theater antireviews — Narrow your search Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Waterfront — All things ocean Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close