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Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes. — Gloria Naylor

Like a good amateur psychologist, when I encounter a hot mess of a woman I immediately look to her father. More often than not, women with low self-esteem and self-destructive tendencies (from hookers to housewives) have dubious dads. Maybe he wasn’t around and Mom had a confusing variety of “special friends.” Perhaps he was around too much, in an abusive and destructive way. Point is, a young girl’s relationship with her father shapes her self-respect and the way she will relate to men later in life. Therefore, I am confident that it is by no coincidence that my three sisters and I are strong women with healthy and rewarding relationships. As an adult, I count myself among the especially fortunate daughters who are able to appreciate their dads as both father and friend.

A few weeks ago, my father and I attended a baseball game for the first time together. My dad is not the overtly masculine type. He prefers Andrew Lloyd Webber to the Rolling Stones, red wine to Budweiser, and Desperate Housewives to ESPN. If someone were to whisper “grand slam” in his ear, the first and only thought to enter Dad’s mind would be his preferred breakfast. So when he asked me to clear out a Thursday afternoon and join him at the ballpark, I correctly presumed that Dad, who is frugal to the core, must have scored some free tickets.

After we’d finished marveling at how crowded it was for the middle of a weekday (didn’t any of these people have jobs?), Dad explained that even though he had no interest in the sport, this was the first of two games he would be attending in June. The tickets to the first game were given to Dad (and just about everyone else in the section) as a token of thanks for his work as a volunteer ambassador at the airport. His second visit to the ballpark would be funded by the Make-a-Wish Foundation, in appreciation of Dad’s work as a wish granter. If it weren’t for his volunteer work, my father would never have seen the inside of Petco Park. “Not bad, eh?” he said, brandishing the two $43 ticket stubs at me. “See, baby, I spare no expense,” he added, an apt and oft-repeated joke of his.

After Dad’s booming rendition of the “Star-Spangled Banner,” the game began. The crowd cheered and booed as we looked on, confused. It wasn’t until white fireworks shot into the bright blue sky that we figured someone must have scored a home hit or shot a run, or whatever it’s called. I asked Dad to interpret the letters and numbers on the scoreboard for me; I could tell by his meandering answer that he was as clueless as me, so I called him out. “You don’t know, do you? Well, let’s ask—”

“I could never ask anyone in this place that question,” he said in earnest.

“Good point,” I said, noting the multitude of Padres-emblazoned shirts and hats, the fervor in the faces of other spectators. We were like a couple of “suppressive persons” who’d inadvertently wandered into a Scientology convention. Best to keep our ignorance on the DL.

During the second inning, a representative of the airport handed us a $5 certificate. Dad was beside himself when, after we’d worked our way up the line for some lunch, he learned it was two-for-one hot dog day. To finagle something sweet and crunchy, I launched an assault of creative accounting and fancy fiscal rationalization — if we combine the certificate and two-for-one hot dog deal, then that $6 bag of Cracker Jack really only costs a dollar! We returned to our seats with a few drinks and a bag of stale nostalgia and carried on a two-hour conversation while, in the background, the Padres clobbered the Dodgers.

As complicated as he may seem with his dueling “government war-gaming” and “new-agey Kumbaya singing” personalities, my father is really a simple man who takes the greatest pleasure from the smallest things. Snaking a rock-star parking space can keep him grinning for weeks (it is not rare for me to receive a phone call from Dad recounting his recent coup in some notoriously crowded area, like downtown or Balboa Park). On Father’s Day, all Dad wanted was to have some distraction-free time with his progeny and play Wham-O’s Trac Ball, the rackets and ball for which he’d been carrying around in the trunk of his car since the last time we played one year ago.

Time was tight — Jane and Heather had to split their Dad’s Day celebrations between their own dad and the fathers of their children. Representing Dad’s brood, Jenny and I (the childless daughters who had the morning free) joined Dad at his church, where every year on that special day all fathers are asked to stand and be acknowledged. After we cheered and clapped for Dad, Jenny and I sat back, flanking our father, and listened to the guest speaker — a Zen Buddhist who spoke of his drug addiction and subsequent quest for his perfect path to enlightenment.

My dad is modest and self-deprecating. He won’t tell you he volunteers for Make-a-Wish without first explaining his selfish motives for doing so; he will wait until he is sure you fully understand the vast extent of his ignorance before he proceeds to display any knowledge. But there is one area in his life about which he will boast without feeling compelled to offer any disclaimers in advance, and that is his God-like ability to create life.

“I have partaken in the unique process in the universe of creation,” Dad said, after I’d asked him to name something cool about being a father. The sky was clear, the air was warm, and a refreshing breeze was blowing over us as Jenny set out the food on a cement table at Presidio Park. Keeping in line with Dad’s preferences, lunch was basic and familiar — turkey, cheese, and mustard on rolls, Doritos, and Chips Ahoy cookies. “Just think,” Dad continued, gesturing toward his four grandchildren, who were playing quietly on the sunlit grass. “If it weren’t for me and your mother, none of you would be here. It’s freakin’ magic.”

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jim87vette July 3, 2008 @ 9:14 a.m.

I'm jelous and so happy for you barb.Although my Dad wasn't a bad guy he seemed more involved with other things when we were kids (sports).I wish we would of had more talks and time together nothing complicated just time, even if it was two people sitting on the grass leaning against each others backs. You have something ssecial and thanks for sharing with us. My Mother and I are very close but me and my Dad meh not so close.He doesnt understand the concept but still I love him and except him as being who he is but I cant sometimes wonder about the "what if"?


NinaNaNaNa July 3, 2008 @ 8:59 a.m.

Without overanalyzing or being too cheesy, that was just precious. Thanks for sharing!


Barbarella Fokos July 3, 2008 @ 3:48 p.m.

Thank you, Nina! I'm more than happy to share, and delighted that you enjoy my doing so.


Barbarella Fokos July 3, 2008 @ 3:51 p.m.

Jim, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad to hear that you are close with at least one of your parents. Best, Barb.


peaceloveandverbs July 8, 2008 @ 12:13 p.m.


Another wonderful piece. I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your father, trying to envision they way my life might have been if I had had a loving father. How refreshing that you realize how lucky you are and that you don't take it for granted. Your column is the reason I reach for The Reader each week. Keep up the great work.



Barbarella Fokos July 8, 2008 @ 4:56 p.m.

Thank you for the thoughtful words, Peace. I try not to take anything for granted, especially my readers -- I'm honored that you enjoy my column. Best, Barbarella


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