A nice 63-year-old American stands a better chance of scoring than a 31-year-old loser.

The FAQ page at A Volga Girl: International Bureau of Introductions (www.volgagirl.com): Umm, what?

Beautiful Russian women eager to be your bride!

Oh, cool. But what about that Volga thing? Isn't that a show tune about boatmen or something? Aren't show tunes a little, you know, peculiar?

Don’t be a moron, idiot. “The Song of the Volga Boatmen” is a folk song from the Volga River Valley in western Russia. The song is a recurring theme in The Volga Boatmen, Cecil B. DeMille’s first independently produced, small-scale epic film about the Russian Revolution. DeMille saw the boatmen as “the human mules of Russia”— the abused peasants of an aristocratic state. The Volga, by the way, is the longest river in Europe. The fertile river valley is a major wheat-growing region. It is also the center of a large petroleum industry and is rich in mineral resources, including natural gas, salt, and potash. A lot of the Volga River is frozen a lot of the time.

What does any of that have to do with hot chicks?

We have over 1400 women in our database, and almost all of them are from Togliatti, a city on the Volga River.

Well, what's wrong with Togliatti? Why do all the women want to leave?

Nothing’s wrong with Togliatti. It’s a very special city, with an airport. Before 1964, Togliatti was called Stavropol. The city was founded in 1737; originally it was a fortress built to protect the Russian lands from the raids of Crimean Tatars and Nogai nomads. Later, Stavropol turned out to be located in a flood zone, and the entire city was transported to the left bank of the Volga River. Gorbachev was born on March 2, 1931, in the village of Privolnoye, near Stavropol. His parents were peasant farmers. Presently Togliatti is the largest industrial center of the Middle Volga and has about 800,000 people. Togliatti has five sport complexes, four stadiums, two sport palaces, 139 sport halls, swimming pools with saunas, Nordic skiing trails, yacht clubs, and tennis courts.

Wow, sounds neat, but what if I don't want to come all the way over there just to meet my wife? How long will it take my bride to get here, and do I have to be at home when the mailman comes?

Please, our service requires some commitment on your part. Clients experiencing success have followed some very simple guidelines that we feel you, too, might be able to follow. First, begin by selecting a number of Russian women that interest you from our Main Photo Gallery. Our search engine can be quite helpful in narrowing your preferred criteria. The women profiled here are quite adept at judging character and frequently hold substance of character in higher regard than age. For instance, a nice 63-year-old stands a better chance of scoring than a 31-year-old loser with a pathetic sense of humor. Therefore, feel free to choose ladies that are considerably younger than you are.

So, I just call the one I like best?

We have found that writing many letters to your favorite girl works best. Write as many letters as you possibly can. Here are some tips that my father passed on to me once that I will now share with you: be warm, but not effusive; be charming, but not cheesy; be open and honest, but never, ever tell anyone anything about yourself, such as your name, what you do, or where you live. Also, keep in mind a couple of things: first, you don’t know Russian, and the women reading your letters don’t understand English. Second, any plans to use the Russian mail system should include some thought about how lucky one is feeling on that day. And finally, remember, all women love presents.

Do you think a Russian girl would like a Tony Gwynn bobblehead doll as a present?

It’s our policy to refer all such questions to our gift shoppe, where you will find a variety of classy gifts for any occasion. We sell long-stemmed roses (only $69.50 for 13), assorted floral bouquets (just $25.50 for three chrysanthemum stems and seven Dutch roses), Russian champagne ($13.75, please specify dry, semi-dry, or sweet), emery board 4-packs ($2.95), and pre-paid taxi cards (Togliatti only). Please note that due to a dramatic increase in Russian tariffs, duties, taxes, and surcharges on flowers and sundries, our prices appear to have been steadily increasing.

Nevermind; I can't wait. I'm coming over. How do I get to Togliatti?

Steady, soldier. We encourage you to follow your dreams and desires, but at the same time we encourage all of our male clients to be realistic in their expectations and to anticipate disappointment and failure. Russian women are wonderful, but keep in mind, people are people.