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I guess it really was that bad. That mean, that direct. I know it kept me awake on and off for the first 10 years, but I managed to medicate it away. Long enough to get some sleep anyway. And here we are 40 years down the line, at the same party, in a place we used to surf all those years ago before.

And both of us alone. Divorced, tan, still in board shops and flip flops, still wearing our hair a little too long, and behaving a little too much like teenagers, even at our age. No fear, we said, no fear when she asked me if I loved her – no conscience-no thought really. Just the lust, and the release, and what’s for dinner.

I forgot about you, our friendship, I just forgot. You remember how it was, she was just a girl to me, and I never knew how you felt until after she jumped off the bridge that night. The look in your eyes, the pain, the loss, the damage that can never be repaired, and I couldn’t meet your eyes, not then, and not for the last 4 decades and I’m not even sure you know what happened.

With me and her I mean. All these years and I never told you You never questioned why I left town unexpectedly the next week, why I was always busy when you called, why I left your messages, unanswered, blinking lights on a machine.

That’s why I'm here, today, that’s why I had to come back when I heard you were sick, why I had to ask you for your forgiveness. I paused, taking a long breath and letting the cool air from the fan dry a droplet of sweat running down my neck. I heard a sigh and raised my eyes to his face, and saw he was gone.

Him too, I thought, I’ve killed them both. I felt a sense of relief and I stood up and stretched. I had admitted my mistake and cleared my conscience- I’d followed the twelve steps on this one. Now what?

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4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
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